He shall be satisfied

I have been so grateful this holiday season that I have not been in great pain or completely numb or dreading everything related to Christmas. 

I have been fine. Normal. 

That hasn't been the case for several years. 

Honestly, this whole month was mostly fine. Really just fine. And even at some points I felt some genuine excitement and a bit of happiness at the prospect of preparing for Christmas that was totally unexpected and new.

And because of that I feel so much gratitude.  

It is kind of a miracle to me and every night I have been praying to let Heavenly Father know how grateful I am that this whole month has not been one filled with pain and sorrow. 

It has not been full of great joys and impossible highs, but the absence of pain and suffering is its own kind of merciful relief and blessing. And I think maybe the absence of pain this year might be as good as joy.

I did have a sad night recently. I had been out with some couples for a date night and then I made the mistake of watching another movie where the main character's fiance dies and the woman is left alone sobbing in her bed. And that kind of was my undoing to an evening of tears and letting it all out. 

So while the pain wasn't omnipresent this holiday season, there was still some buildup of sad. 

Gratefully I was able to cry it out, to pray, and to read in the scriptures. 

So often they are a balm to my soul.

I read in Mosiah 14 which contains much of the text of Isaiah 53 and was impressed with one idea. 

In times when I get sad and feel heavy I often pray to heaven for relief, asking that Jesus take my heavy burden. I am usually so desperate to offload it I feel relived when the weight is gone, but at other times I feel sorrow that my heavy pain and grief fall upon Him. That He picks it up and carries it so that I don't have to.

But in Mosiah 14 verses 10-11 it states:

10 Yet it pleased the Lord to ^abruise him; he hath put him to grief; when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin he shall see his ^bseed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.

11 He shall see the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied; by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall ^abear their iniquities.

What stood out to me as I read these verses last night was this idea- that when I make His soul an offering for sin (or pain, or grief, or heartache) HE shall see the travail of his soul and shall be satisfied. He- Jesus- will be satisfied when I place my burden on Him and offer up His soul to carry my load. 

Satisfied is an interesting word- not one of great emotion but rather evoking a feeling of balance and justification. It will be worth it to Him- all that He suffered and all that He endured- will balance out for Him when I make His soul my offering. When I use the atonement- the sacrifice- He has offered. His pain will be justified for Him as I use it and apply it to bring relief to my own. 

What greater love, mercy or grace is there than that?

I echo the words of Jacob who declared "Oh how great the goodness of our God who prepareth a way for our escape..."

There is a way for our escape. Right now. Not just after we die or when it is all over but right now today in our immediate need and for our immediate relief. 

Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. I am grateful for the reminder that He is satisfied as I make His soul my offering. That He is not put out our put upon or resentful or anything like it at all. He is satisfied. 

And I know that the same truth applies to you.

God be thanked for the gift of His beloved Son this Christmas season and forevermore. 

Looking unto Jesus

I feel grateful today for the opportunity to attend church meetings and gather with other believers.

We had the chance to hear the primary program- where the children ages 3-11 sing songs and share experiences to build faith. Today was powerful as most of the songs the children sang were about Jesus- that we are trying to be like Him, that there is peace in Him, that we know He lives, that nothing is impossible for Him. 

It was powerful to hear and I just cried as their faith reaffirmed mine. 

I was especially grateful to see Ada and Tommy on the stand singing with all their hearts. I could feel that they really believe in the Savior and that their faith in Him is taking root. 

Then we attended a wonderful Sunday school lesson where we discussed Hebrews 11 and faith. I was so grateful for the comments people shared about their own experiences with faith for how my faith was reaffirmed by hearing other witnesses.

I love the verses in Hebrews 12:1-2 where Paul talks about the result- or what we can do after hearing a "cloud of witnesses." He states, "let us lay aside every weight and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us. Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith..."

So once we have felt our faith affirmed by the experience and witness of others, we can lay aside our sins and weaknesses and patiently run our own race- in doing what God has asked of us individually- while looking to Jesus as the foundation and the end goal of this faith. 

Looking to Jesus can happen in many ways- through prayer, scripture study or attending church. Through ordinances. Through music. Through service. Through seeing the beauty of creation. All of it can draw our minds and hearts to Him. 

And so then when in the race of our own lives, we feel heavy, we feel worn down, we feel we can't go on, we can look to Jesus. We can, as stated in verses 3-4, "consider him who endured such hostility against himself from sinners, so that we may not grow weary or lose heart. In our struggle against sin (or sorrow, or pain, etc.) we have not yet resisted to the point of shedding our blood." 

We have not yet suffered as much as Jesus. We have not yet felt the level of pain that He endured. 

Or stated another way "the Son of man hath descended below them all, art thou greater than He?"

I appreciated similar thoughts that I listened to yesterday from President Eyring's recent conference address.  

In it he speaks about holiness and how one path to increase in holiness is through adversity and repentance. He shares the experience of Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail and Job- how they were sorely tried even though they had been faithful. 

President Eyring states, "You might remember that Job doubted that his greater holiness, gained through greater adversity, had qualified him for greater happiness. It seemed to Job that holiness had brought misery....Yet the Lord gave Job the same correcting lesson He gave Joseph Smith."

He showed Job that He was God and reminded Job of his lowly position in relation to His creator. 

President Eyring goes on, "Then, after Job repented of calling God unfair, Job was permitted to see his trials in a higher and holier way. He had repented.

After Job repented and so became more holy, the Lord blessed him beyond all he had lost. But perhaps the greatest blessing for Job was to have increased in holiness through adversity and repentance. He was qualified to have greater happiness in the days he had yet to live." 

I feel like this is the lesson I often need to learn and relearn as I practice patience.

When I feel worn down or that my load is too heavy or when I ache from repeated bouts with sorrow I can "consider Him who endured such hostility" so that I may not "grow weary or lose heart." 

I have not yet suffered as much as Jesus.  

Hebrews 12: 5-12 finishes this line of thought. Paul reminds us saying "my child, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, or lose heart when you are punished by him; for the Lord disciplines those whom he loves, and chastises every child whom he accepts."  

If we are the children of God- as we so affirm- then we can endure these trials for the sake of discipline- for what child is there whom a parent does not discipline? 

Mercifully Paul states that God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share his holiness. Such discipline (or trial or heartache or pain or testing) may seem painful rather than pleasant at the time, but will yield the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 

And that is the question I was grateful to consider today. 

Am I still willing to be trained through the testing and trials of life to become more holy? To become like Christ? 

I am so grateful for our tangible Savior. He lived here, on this earth, and we have record of Him. He experienced ALL of the things- all of it- so that He can help us and so that He can understand. 

I look to Him and am grateful for the renewal of my strength that has come again from considering Him. 

God's tender mercy

I feel so grateful for the last week- a fabulous general conference to start it off and then a pretty uneventful rest of the week. I was able to do things I wanted to do, work on some big projects, I had time to exercise, the kids and I spent quality time together and I am feeling more replenished.

I appreciate days that allow me to breathe. 

I have tried to be more intentional since the last rough patch. To do things that fill me up and to say no to things that are more draining. I have been able to meditate more and that practice is very centering for me and helps me stay present minded. I also have had time to listen to things during the day- since Tommy is at school each morning I have been able to turn on audio books, the scriptures, conference talks, etc. and listen uninterrupted. It has been wonderful.

I have also been working really hard on a big project- going through Jake's things. 

He and I have always had big storage bins full of our things- childhood art projects, mission letters, college notes and assignments, cards we've received and other collectibles through the years. These have sat for years in each of our apartments, then our Phoenix home and now our Provo home. Untouched and gathering dust. 

In addition I have other documents and collectibles from his adult life- law school and his attorney's office, paperwork from church and our home, travel mementos and football ticket stubs among other things.

Since his death I've felt like it is really important to unearth these things and give our children access to their Dad in this way. 

But the project felt totally overwhelming. 

I have a dear friend who, more than a year ago, offered to just come and sit with me to help me start going through it. She would set a time and that kept me accountable to stick to it. 

It was not something that I always looked forward to doing. It is sometimes hard to see and remember and painful as I am reminded, again, that Jake is not here. 

But it has also been a blessing and a great comfort as I find things that he wrote, as I can hear his voice and remember how he thought, and as I am assured by the constancy of his faith. I have felt strongly that it is important for our kids to have access to him in this way and I have been so grateful to do this for them.

This week was my last big push to get organized and I am so happy with this first effort. 

I have all of his things unearthed, categorized, and in drawers that we can easily open and look through. I made each of our children their own bin and we divided up many physical items that he had or wore or that were important to him that now belong to them. 

I brought the kids into my room last night and showed them where everything is and told them that they have full access any time they want. 

I imagine that right now his papers might not seem that interesting, but as they grow up and have needs of their own or are in certain stages of life I hope that that having some tangible records of what Jake went through in similar experiences will be helpful for them.

And if nothing else it is helpful for me to feel like they have access to it and my lack of organization is not standing in their way. 

This leads me to another thought.

Many of you have been so kind to message me after the new youth initiative was announced, stating that it is so similar to a process Jake used throughout his life to set goals. 

Now, while I think it unlikely that Jake's balancing wheel provided inspiration for the whole church, I do feel especially grateful for one thing.

I long for our kids to know what their Dad would want for them, what was important to him and what he would say to help them in their lives.

And with this new youth initiative,  Heavenly Father has been so merciful to our children. They were given a preview, over 3 years ago, to a program that would be instituted to help them in their growing up years. And they know- each one of them- that their Dad fully believes in and supports this effort.

I could not ask for a more tender way for God to help Jacob be present in the lives of our children than this. I am profoundly grateful that our kids can engage with the new youth program knowing that their Dad believes so strongly in having them set goals to develop spiritually, socially, intellectually and physically and that he led by example. 

I am again a witness of the goodness of God. 

In 3 Nephi 17: 24, after Jesus prayed for the Nephite children it describes that "they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them." 

I sense the reality of the angelic ministration of their father encircling the lives of our children through this tender mercy and am grateful to the Savior for His continued blessings to our family.  

Come ye Disconsolate

Oh thank you lovely friends and family for being so kind to me.

I am sure it is partly ridiculous to splay out my feelings on the internet in writing but for some reason it is very cathartic and helpful for me.

Mostly because of the kind response of people in reaction to my pain.

I wish we could all go around wearing signs across our chests of how we are really doing. We send off cues but they are often hard to interpret and we misread each other so often. It would be nice if we could just have signs saying such things as "I feel miserable" or "I've had a great day" or "I am hurting right now" or "I just need to be alone for a minute" or "I feel so productive today."

Then we could all respond in kind to each other and be more helpful than intuition sometimes allows.

I think that is why it helps me to write it out- so that can acknowledge what my sign would say without actually verbalizing the words.

I am feeling better. The sickness is on its way out the door, I have been sleeping and doing better self-care, we've received so much kindness and support and I have had people to listen and talk me through it. I am grateful to know that although I am on a roller coaster ride the downs won't last forever. They are not permanent anymore.

On Sunday we sang a song at church that I haven't heard very often. It is called "Come Ye Disconsolate" (click HERE to listen to this beautiful rendition). I couldn't even sing as my eyes filled with tears at the beautiful words that were a tender reminder of God's love for me, and for all of us, who at times feel cast down.

1. Come, ye disconsolate, where'er ye languish;
   Come to the mercy seat, fervently kneel.
   Here bring your wounded hearts; here tell your anguish.
   Earth has no sorrow that heav'n cannot heal.
2. Joy of the desolate, Light of the straying,
   Hope of the penitent, fadeless and pure!
   Here speaks the Comforter, tenderly saying,
   "Earth has no sorrow that heav'n cannot cure."
3. Here see the Bread of Life; see waters flowing
   Forth from the throne of God, pure from above.
   Come to the feast of love; come, ever knowing
   Earth has no sorrow but heav'n can remove.

I know that Jesus' love is real. He has compassion for our sorrow. He is filled with mercy and will alleviate our affliction. I believe with all of my heart that His grace overshadows all of the pain of this earthly existence and that in Him we can find true healing. He is, and always will be, the answer.

What goes up must come down

Why do I do this to myself?

Write about things being happy and stable and comfortable and good?

So that when the coin flips and things feel heavy and hard and difficult and bad it feels like the balloon pops and I am plummeting back to the ground.

I am being overly dramatic, but somehow in the last week things have shifted and life feels all muddled again.

I think I set up some unrealistic expectations- I will do this and that and cross things off and get to projects I've been putting off for years- and then real life set in and all of that became impossible. Our kitchen sink needs new valves. Tommy got sick and stayed home for 3 days. I am now also sick with a cold. The sprinkler system is draining down the sidewalk all day long. I might need a new roof. Will my house crack in two and fall off of the mountain....  I've also offered up much of my time to help and host people, volunteer and do good things and serve others and be responsible and contribute and I'm left feeling overwhelmed.

Darn it.

My reservoir is empty.

I can say that is one thing I've learned in these 3 years. I can at least recognize when my tank is out and I have nothing left to give. I was not able to do that for a long time.

But even though I can recognize it I still don't quite know what to do about it. So when I am feeling drained and running on fumes the old feelings- the familiar pain- inevitably comes creeping back in. And I start to wish for the impossible.

I want Jake back.

I want his help, I want his support, I want to be able to talk to him. I want him to take some things off of my plate. I want him to encourage our kids. I want to be able to vent to him. I want to have him hold me and tell me it will be ok.....

And that is something I cannot have.

I know there are so many people willing and able to help.

I know that I just need to ask for their help.

But most of the time I just don't want to. I am so sick and tired of asking for help. Of needing help. So much help....  All I really want is my helpmate back.

I recently found this honest article posted by a friend. The widowhood effect: What it is like to lose a spouse in your 30s. I love it when people can put into descriptive language the indescribable feelings of your heart.

I particularly found this section meaningful today, especially after my light hearted post of last week....

"This is where I am supposed to tell you how I have moved on. We all like pretty endings for young widows .... But I don't believe ... that young widowhood is simply a time gap between a funeral and a remarriage. I think it's about withstanding a blow that fundamentally changes your architecture. Some days, you are wobbly; other days, less so...... I still have days where I lie on the floor and miss him so terribly that I keep repeating, "I want you to come home." It does not happen as frequently as in year one or two but it slays me just the same."

I guess this is me today. Feeling pretty wobbly in my changed architecture.

I do know that it won't stay like this forever. I will again have days and weeks of stability and happiness as I have had in the recent past.

But for now I'm ok to just wobble.

September

The Earth, Wind and Fire lyrics to September started running through my mind as I sat to type-

"Do you remember? The 21st night of September? Love was changing the minds of pretenders, while chasing the clouds away... Ba de ya, say do you remember? Ba de ya, dancing in September... Ba de ya, never was a cloudy day... "

That is how things are feeling around here. The clouds have been chased away and we are definitely dancing in September. It is one of my favorite months.

I just spent nearly 30 minutes sending pictures from the summer to this laptop where I sit and type, but much to my dismay and tech-un-savvy only four of them made it through. I was going to give a comprehensive review of our summer and all the fun we had to preserve it for memory's sake.

Alas, I just don't want to mess with it anymore so here you go.

One picture from summer:

Here I am with Ellie, Ada, Lauren and Tommy at Cedar Breaks in southern Utah. It was awesome.

Suffice it to say we had a great time off from school. We saw tons of friends. We saw every family member. We went to Bear Lake and Zions National Park and Bryce Canyon National Park and Boise, Idaho. We spent time at the pool, the reservoir, the lake, the mountains, girls camp, soccer camps, cross country camp, and had bunches of fun biking, hiking, cooking, eating, talking, staying up late and sleeping in.

All in all it was a great 10 weeks and we played hard for nearly all of them. Near the end of the summer as I started to tire of the constant commotion I had the realization that I was so fortunate- how many of the world's population just get to have fun and see the people they love for weeks on end with few other cares? We are pretty lucky to live in a place where there are so many things to do, to have people who travel to see us and spend time with us and to have the time, energy, help and  means to do some pretty great things.

So if I never get to the details of summer 2019 just know that it was pretty great all around.

Which leads to September and school starting.

Oh school, how I love you! I love the structure, routine and predictability that school provides. I LOVE IT. I mean I really really really LOVE it. Also, as I've said before I love the little break that school gives me from being a double parent 24/7. So I welcome it with open arms.

And this year sweet little Tommy guy started kindergarten so ALL OF OUR KIDS ARE IN SCHOOL!

Again, not to belabor the point but seriously this is big news around here and has really come just in the nick of time. The first day they were all gone I was walking around the house feeling all kinds of feelings- and ALL of them happy ones. I was screaming with excitement. I was overcome with gratitude. I was triumphant with victory. I was dancing with joy. I was so relieved that we made it.

I think this is not just a feeling I have as a widow- I think any stay at home mom who has her last child go to school must feel all of these things....right??? It is a strange end of an era and a beginning of the next chapter. I feel like I mourned it more at the end of last school year- in April and May as I thought about not having a little person around the house all day anymore. And because of that I've felt nothing but JOY and GRATITUDE that I made it. 13.5 years of having a little person constantly in my care all day every day through some pretty difficult years and I made it (there were definitely times where I DID NOT think I could do it).

But here we are! It happened despite all that was against us and somehow our kids are thriving and happy and engaged and dare I say normal. It is a testament to me of the goodness of God who, despite our own weaknesses and the odds stacked against us, is faithful and will see us through. I know it because He has seen me and our children through the great deep and here we are standing on the shores of the other side.

As Paul wrote to the Corinthians:

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

I understood this idea in theory but have now lived it in practice and feel such gratitude to my Father in Heaven who, with this trial, has also made a way for me and our children to bear it. I love Him and feel so grateful for His great mercy that has seen us through.

While I still don't know the full path forward I do feel renewed hope and can see light at the end of the tunnel and stand in awe at all that God has done for me and our children. He is, to the end, forever and eternally, faithful.

Grandma Mary

My Grandma Mary died on Saturday.

She was 92 years old and has been a constant for my entire life.

My first independent memory of my Grandma is when she came to visit us at our house in Orem. I remember that I was assigned to work with her to clean the bathroom and she took to time to show me how to properly clean the sink and wash down the soap dispenser that was usually caked with soap suds and streaks from its many uses. I remember feeling happy that she would spend that time with me and grateful to hear her tips and tricks.

The next memory I have is of a time when my sister and I went to Logan, where our Grandma lived, for a few nights on our own to stay with her. I don't remember where our parents or brothers were but do remember that we got to sleep on the hide-a-bed in her guest room, stay up late watching old rerun shows on Nickelodeon and that she gave us each $5 to walk to the McDonalds near her house and buy a happy meal. It was a grand adventure for me and Claire and I loved being there and having her attention.

Beyond those, most of my memories and interactions with my grandma were in group settings- as we visited her with our family, at Griffin reunions, as she came to our home for baptisms, graduations, and special events and even on one very long car ride to California. In memory I can see my Grandma there- watching everyone around her, directing the work and thinking of how to feed and care for her large extended family. Grandma Mary was not a sit on the ground and play with you sort of grandma and wasn't one given to great verbal expressions of love. But she did show love to us as her grandchildren in ways that we appreciated- she always let us use her TV room when we visited to watch as much Nickelodeon as we wanted. She always had food in her house and showed her love through cooking and providing lovely meals for our benefit. She always had our beds made up when we came to stay with her and took the time to prepare everyone a place to sleep. She wrote me many cards over the years for my birthday and I loved it when, especially in her older years, she would include a $20 for me to buy lunch on her.

I say that most of my memories with my Grandma are in group settings- and that is true up until I moved with Jake and our little Lauren to Phoenix in 2006. We had just finished grad school and Jake had accepted a job in Arizona so we packed up our little family and left both our parents and extended families behind in Utah. Those first few years were hard and lonely as we were hundreds of miles away from our parents and siblings. It sometimes felt like we were alone in the desert.

Alone, that is, except for my Grandma Mary.

She had been a snowbird in Mesa, Arizona with her second husband for many years and after he passed away she married a Scottsdale native and continued to spend the winters in AZ.

And at this stage in my life she became a great blessing to me. When Lauren turned one I remember that we invited my Grandma and her dear husband David (who actually performed our sealing in the Mt. Timpanogos temple) over to have cake and celebrate with us. We always went to her home during the Christmas holiday where she treated us to a lovely dinner and evening playing games. She invited me to bring the girls to her home often and I definitely took her up on it- driving out to her trailer 45 minutes away, spending the afternoon, eating a meal, and then packing up our babies for the drive home. And several times she came out to our home to take me and the girls to lunch and to spend the afternoon with us playing Skip-Bo.

My sister and I visiting Grandma Mary in her trailer with our newest babies

It was such a boon for me to have somewhere to go where I would be taken care of and where someone who loved me would be waiting. She invited us to many a Sunday dinner and never let us bring anything for the meal but took it upon herself to serve us and show her love through her care.

I was grateful to get to know my grandma more during this time and to have so much alone time and interaction with her. Maybe even more than when I was a child. I loved hearing her stories, playing games together, walking around the neighborhood and seeing her care for her husband. I will always remember the love I saw her express as she stood by David's casket at his funeral, touching his hand and kissing his forehead. It was so genuine.  She was not affronted by his dead body but rather continued to show love and care for the tabernacle that housed his spirit to the end. It was an example that I remembered as I stood next to the casket of my own husband and could likewise feel such gratitude for the tabernacle that housed his spirit thanks to her.

My two grandmothers came to AZ for Lauren's baptism and to show their support after Jake's diagnosis.                    Grandma Pat is on the left and Grandma Mary is on the right.

My Grandpa Earl passed away just before I turned 3 years old, almost 35 years ago. He was the love of my Grandma Mary's life and after he died the fire seemed to go out of her. She married two more times, losing each of those spouses to death but always felt a strong connection to my grandpa.  In her final days when she had terrible dementia and was so reduced she could still remember and say "I'm married to Earl Griffin."

Though I am sad and mourn the passing of my grandma my heart also rejoices in her reunion with my grandpa that has been so long awaited. I know what it feels like to wait to be with the one person you love the most and rejoice that her waiting period is over.  She is now with my grandpa never to be separated again. I commend her for making the best of the long wait and understand more fully what their separation cost her.

One time many years ago my grandma and I had the opportunity to go to the temple together. I don't remember where our spouses were or who watched my kids but I do remember being grateful to have the opportunity to serve in the temple with her.  As we attended an endowment session in the Mesa Temple I had a special spiritual experience. We had been standing up and as we were standing I looked over at my grandma next to me. And out of the blue I started to feel the most intense love for her that I have ever felt. I had the direct impression that what I was feeling was the love my Grandpa Earl felt for my Grandma Mary. Although I don't have any memories of him as a child it was as clear as day that he loved her and in that moment I was given to feel a small portion of that love. I don't know if I ever told her about that experience- it was so sacred and personal to me and I didn't know if I could even describe it adequately with words. But it was a witness to me that love does not end with death, that those we loved in life continue on after this world and that the bonds we create with those we love are eternal.

And thinking of my sweet grandma now encircled in the love of my grandpa forever fills me with joy.

A good find

I've been going through documents on our computer lately and came across this talk Jake wrote some months after being diagnosed with GBM. I love reading his words. There is something about written language that helps to convey the essence of a person- their ideas, though processes and personality in such a beautiful way. I love every treasure I find that Jake wrote down and feel grateful that there is more than I thought there would be. He wasn't a prolific writer, but he was sure a good one when the opportunity presented itself.

So without further ado here is Jake's talk. 

"Last October, the prophet encouraged us to “ponder the path of our feet.” Where are we going? Who are we following?

We lived with God as Spirits before we came to the earth. We chose to come here. We wanted to be here because we knew that we would get experience that we could only get while separated from our heavenly parents. We learn from the book of Abraham that we came here so that we could prove ourselves, “to see if [we would] do all the things whatsoever the Lord [our] God shall command [us].”  We must walk as the Savior walked.

As I’m sure you all know, this past year has been a trying one for me and my family. I want to briefly share two things I’ve learned as I’ve battled grade four brain cancer.

First, After the Darkest Night, the Sun Always Rises

One year ago this morning, Jordan called Bishop Smart before the sun came up. This is the kind of wake up call a bishop doesn’t want but often gets. She told him that she’d picked me up from work the afternoon before b/c I thought I might be having a stroke. Faintness and right sided numbness. After a stop at urgent care, I ended up in the emergency room.

In the emergency room, among the many tests, they decided to do an MRI of my head. They found a small mass deep inside my brain. They didn’t know exactly what it was, so they decided to admit me overnight to observe and do more tests first thing in the morning.

Due to logistical problems created by an unplanned emergency and 4 young kids, including a nursing baby, I ended up that night in the hospital alone googling words like “high grade astrocytoma” and “demylenating.” I was supposed to be sleeping. I was beyond exhausted and had just worked a very long week. 

Darkness and dark thoughts set in as I thought about dying or becoming permanently disabled. I tried sleeping but just cried and cried. I was desperately tired. I was relieved when Jordan called around 2 or 3 because she couldn’t sleep either. We wept together as we discussed our children and what could happen to me. More than anything else I wanted to be with Jordan. Hold her. Wipe away her tears. Let her wipe away my tears.

President Monson reminded us: “Jesus walked the path of pain. Consider Gethsemane, where He was “in an agony … and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”  And none can forget His suffering on the cruel cross. . . . Likewise shall we walk the path of pain. We, as servants, can expect no more than the Master, who left mortality only after great pain and suffering.”

But the Savior’s pain and suffering was not eternal.  Three days after he passed away, he was gloriously resurrected. Nor is our suffering eternal. In my case, after the darkest night of my life, two men armed with the priesthood came to be with me. I can still remember the sunlight creeping through the hospital room window that morning and Bishop Smart and Brother Case appeared in their suits, full of compassion and love for me and my family. They had already been by the house and given Jordan a much needed blessing of comfort that I couldn’t give. I don’t remember what was said.  The only thing I remember is that once the priesthood was there, the darkness that I felt throughout the night started to leave. Just like the Lord reminded Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, “thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.” 

The sun always rises after a dark night.

Second, We Have Only One Thing to Learn Here on Earth — To Submit Completely to Heavenly Father

The Lord has blessed us with a lot of stuff. We have families. We have food. We have clothing. We have shelter. We have a wonderful meetinghouse. We have bank accounts. We have jobs. We have bodies. We have friends. All these things, however, we can lose in an instant. 

But there is one thing that God nor anyone else can ever take from us — our free will. We always have a choice as to how we will respond to a challenge or even a blessing. I think submitting my will to God’s will might be the biggest thing I’ve had to learn and relearn over the past year.

One example is after my tumor came back in early August. It was really the first bad news in a long time. From my initial overnight hospital stay to the biopsy in February there was nothing but worst case scenario. It might be an autoimmune disease like MS or it might be a high grade rapidly enhancing brain tumor. Bad news. While we were waiting for the biopsy, the tumor quadrupled in size. Bad news. The surgeon who did the biopsy doesn’t feel like he could safely remove it. Bad news. After we found a surgeon who could take the tumor out, it was nothing but good news. They got the tumor out. Good news. I regained my full faculties after the surgery. Good news. I had a wonderful first scan. Good news. I was back to work and had been rebuilding my case load. I’d just travelled to San Diego to meet a prospective client. Good news.  Our family took a trip to Hawaii. Good news. 

Naturally, I expected the good news train to keep rolling. But it wasn’t to be. I was back under the saw and knife of the operating room in a few days after the August scan showed new tumor growth.

I was sorely disappointed at this setback and decided that part of the reason why it came back was because I was pushing myself too hard.  So, I decided that I would totally check out after I came back from the hospital. I did nothing helpful and just let Jordan do everything. Meals in bed, check. Kids bedtime, check. I withdrew from my family. By the end of the week, I felt horrible. Jordan and the kids were at their wit’s end. I think she felt guilty for feeling that way. As I prepared my Sunday School lesson, I got a prompting that I needed to serve my family. So I woke up early on Sunday and made waffles for everyone and brought Jordan breakfast in bed with a note of appreciation. The feeling in our home changed instantly. Feelings of love and overwhelming joy vanquished the stress and sorrow.

That was a big lesson to me that self-pity and self-indulgence drive away the Spirit while service and love bring the Spirit instantly. As President Monson taught: “As we strive to place Christ at the center of our lives by learning His words, by following His teachings, and by walking in His path, He has promised to share with us the eternal life that He died to gain. There is no higher end than this, that we should choose to accept His discipline and become His disciples and do His work throughout our lives. Nothing else, no other choice we make, can make of us what He can.”

We’ve been first-hand witnesses the Spirit of love and service in this ward and from our friends and family members. Words are impossible to express how much we love all of you and how grateful we are for all that you’ve done for us. I know that God lives and loves us."

April

As usual there is much I want to say but little time and energy to say it.

We made it through the month of April.

The spring generally can be a difficult time for me. There are so many memories of Jacob- his birthday, his many surgeries, and his death that occurred during the springtime. Easter and general conference also bring these memories to the surface and it can be a hard month.

Thankfully I know that now. I know that the month of April is emotional and I can better plan for the ups and downs. They are not exactly predictable and I am still caught off guard by how painful the waves of grief can be but I am not a stranger to them anymore. And I know that they will not last forever.

I was introduced to the ball and box analogy of grief that I found very true and applicable. You can find it here. I do think that my ball has shrunk down so much in size and mostly bangs around the box unhindered. But occasionally it still hits the button and the pain comes roaring back with the same searing intensity and gutting predictability. I had a few painful days this month, but honestly I can say that it was better than the last two years. Although I could not believe it (and kind of hated it when people would say it to me) time really does heal. Years of time DO make a difference.

We had some very happy times. April 4 would have been Jake's 40th birthday and I could not let the day pass without doing something. I LOVE his birthday. I am so glad and grateful that Jacob was born and came into the world. I always will be.

Jake had often told me that he would love to get a BMW for his 40th birthday. And I often shot him down telling him that we couldn't afford such a car and that it was impractical.

As I was bemoaning the fact that he would never get his beemer to a friend she gave me a great idea- she told me to rent a BMW and drive it around all day on his birthday.

So that is just what I did. We found a BMW to rent for the day and I kept it a surprise for the kids. I told them we'd be doing someting Jake had talked about for his 40th birthday but kept them guessing as we drove to Salt Lake that morning for the surprise. We got out of our van and got into the BMW and drove it around for the next 10 hours.

It was amazing!

I am no car person. I always felt like if something has four wheels it is good enough. But after spending the day in that car I am converted to the wonder of a fine vehicle.

We drove 240 miles in one day. We stopped and gave rides to our family members in town- my dad, my mom, my sister and her kids, Jacob's parents, our sister-in-law and her kids. Jacob's brother took it for a spin that night. It was so so fun.

Riding in that car was a true joy and helped the kids and I feel and remember our love for Jake.

We also had a small BBQ party with our family members and some dear friends in our ward. We ate dinner and played games and sang happy birthday while Ada and Tommy blew out candles on a sheet of BYU brownies. It was a happy thing to celebrate Jake's birth and be together. Although my littlest kids may not have their own memories of Jake I am grateful that they can create have new memories of celebrating his birthday that can still help them feel connected to him.

Then came April 23. 3 years since the day Jake died. I'm not going to lie. It was kind of a crappy and horrible day. For all I try and talk myself out of giving much space or attention to his death date it is still pretty painful as the reality that he is gone- and has been now for 3 years- comes crashing down on me.

3 years feels like a really long time.

And I think I start to ache as I propel it into the future.  3 years becoming 13. And then 30. And then 53. It can kind of feel like forever.

Thankfully I was not left alone in my sorrow. People came to my aid- remembering. Calling and texting me messages. Bringing flowers. Hugging me. Listening as I cried. And I got through it. My greatest happiness came when the girls came home from school and saw me tear faced and asked what was wrong. As I told them it was the day Jake died 3 years ago they all said- "Oh yea, I forgot" and I was so grateful. April 23 does not need to be a horrible day for the rest of our kids lives. They ache for him plenty- on days that are meaningful to them. Their birthdays, at their sporting events, when the daddy-daughter son campout is announced. They don't need to have another heavy handed mourning day placed on their already sensitive hearts.

Then on April 24 I spent the day in the temple.

It was a balm to soothe and bind up and restore my fragmented heart. That is Christ's transcendent power offered to us through covenants made in the house of the Lord- the miraculous exchange of sorrow and heartache for peace and joy.

I was joined by wonderful friends and family members as we spent 7 hours doing the temple ordinances in sequence- from baptism to sealings. And I was grateful for other family members far away who participated in temple work at times that suited them best.

There was such a comforting peace as I saw again how the ordinances and covenants work together- literally lifting us from our present state and preparing us for the joy that awaits us in the presence of God. 

And I was also comforted to know that we were doing work in behalf of those who are dead.

Work that they, without physical bodies, cannot do for themselves. My mind was pacified as I heard again and again the phrase who is dead and recognized that I am certainly not the first, and definitely not the last person to lose someone who they love. To mourn and ache during this separation period. I am not so special or unique.

But rather I felt empowered and comforted to know that death has been part of the human story since the beginning. Death is a reality for everyone. And as Paul stated "for since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead" I was again assured of the truth that for Jacob- and for every person whose work we did in the temple that day- and for every person who has ever died- the resurrection is a reality. They will ALL live again. They will have opportunities to progress. They will be empowered through covenant. They will, as Job testified, in their flesh see God.

And that is the greatest miracle of all.

We always have a choice

Here is another talk.

See I told you this blog has become a great repository of my religious ideas and feelings.

I was invited to speak at a stake women's conference in my parent's stake where I grew up and went to church from the age of 6 on.

It was a wonderful opportunity and I was grateful to be able to share with the women who attend that day.

I think I benefited the most in taking time to prepare some thoughts to share and remember again how the Lord has guided and blessed my life.

And to remember Jake and the wisdom of his choices and the use of his agency that still blesses our family today.

We always have a choice.

Marching forward

I wanted to give an update on our family today.

Life is moving along and for the most part I can say that we are feeling happy- settled in Provo, active and engaged in our school and ward, enjoying the outdoors and time with family.  Life is feeling kind of normal again and it is a welcome relief.

Tommy- is 5 years old! How did that happen? He is such a sweet-heart boy who loves to fight and punch and wrestle. He attends preschool at BYU for 4 mornings a week and it is so fun for both him and me! I get to exercise and have a little bit of quiet time and he gets to play and learn and be with friends. Win win.  Tommy is doing the waterford upstart program which is a reading tool offered by the state of Utah and it is thankfully teaching him all the things that I am not. He has some fun little friends and loves to play with them at every opportunity. He was in swimming lessons for a week but then sprained his arm two days ago so he (in answer to his prayers) gets out of swimming this round. Lucky kid. He is going to play spring soccer and I will take him up to ski for the first time this month.

Ada- is 9 years old and in 3rd grade! She continues to be such a gentle and kind person. Ada is a peacemaker in every way and is never the cause of fighting around our home. She decided to play on a competitive soccer team this school year and has learned a lot about the sport through twice a week practices and a fall and soon to be spring season. She continues to love to do art projects and crafts and loves to come home from school and just create something new. Ada is a great little reader and is plowing through the Harry Potter books. She is also getting good at the piano and is willing to practice daily to make it happen. Ada is in  Chinese immersion and although I can't understand a word she says she is doing great and really progressing. Ada has some fun and sweet friends and enjoys playing with her sisters and cousins too.

Ellie- is 11 year old and the youngest beehive in our ward! She was affected most by the recent church advancement change and entered beehives in January after just turning 11 in December. She wasn't sure about it at first but is coming around to the idea. She and Lauren are both beehives together (born at the beginning and end of consecutive calendar years) so that has been fun for them. And she has loved going to the temple to perform baptisms for the dead. Ellie is a lot of fun and continues to love being active. She plays for a competitife soccer team and also participated in a bantam basketball league this winter. She is in ski school as well and has enjoyed some great days of skiing with her 5th grade passport. Ellie is a great little cook and often makes dinner for our whole family- plating the meals beautifully and preparing two or three courses. She has great friends and practices the piano and is continuing to improve.

Lauren- is 13 years old and in the 7th grade! It has been a big year for her to be our first teenager and middle schooler at the same time but she has done so well and is learning the ropes of this growing up life. She is a great example to her siblings and a wonderful help to me. She often asks me what she can do to help and always wants to hear about how my day is going. Lauren has really taken to skiing and had a season pass to Sundance this year. She played rec soccer in the fall and will try another season this spring. She is doing wonderfully well in school and continues to be a voracious reader. So much in fact that we need your best book recommendations! Lauren also is a great babysitter and with her awesome friends ran a summer kids camp that was a very profitable business. She is my built in babysitter at home and it is amazing to have finally arrived! Lauren is a dependable and steady person and reminds me so much of Jake in her comportment and outlook on life.

Jordan- is 38 years old and getting flabby relief society upper arms! Even though I am exercising now there is something about that loosening upper arm skin that can't be stopped. This school year has been really great- I love having my mornings free and clear and appreciate school for being the father of our family. Taking care of the kids without my needing to ask or thank or return the favor. :)  I continue to run 5-10 miles a week and hike two days with friends. I also took ski lessons, got a season pass and have gone over 12 times this winter. Skiing has been so amazing and I've loved going with our girls and having some great days up on the mountain. I was in physical therapy for 4 months with a rotater cuff injury- a side effect of training for a half marathon with a cast but therapy was good in many ways and has encouraged me to attend a weight training class to build muscle.

I also disengaged from Instagram and Facebook. It was off and on through the spring but as of July I don't have either app on my phone and am totally out of the loop. I miss it in some ways- I love hearing about what our friends and family are up to. But I also became such an addict and needed to spend more time living my new life so it was good to step away. I continue to do laundry, buy groceries, pay bills, clean and cook food. I teach four Let's Play Music classes and will see it through until Tommy finishes the program. I loved taking a BYU religion class in the fall and try and read at least one book a month.

I was called as our ward young women's president last November. On the one hand it is is kind of a crazy and horrible idea, but on the other hand I have really enjoyed serving with the other leaders and getting to know the 30 young women in our ward. I definitely love teenagers and feel like they help to keep me young. I also decided to become a hospice volunteer and completed the training and became certified for that this January and look forward to being able to help and be with people who are dying and their family members. I went back to Phoenix in February for a long weekend and got to see some dear friends but otherwise our trip schedule is looking pretty sparse. We'll have some in-state family reunions this summer and hopefully make it back to AZ in the fall but international travel is a no for this year.

Daily life is pretty routine and predictable and that is such a wonderful and blessed thing! I remember years when we only had boring daily life going on how it could get so tiresome-- but now after these 5 whirlwind years of crazy ups and downs in every facet of our lives- boring and predicable is just what we need.

So that's my report.

Thanks to everyone who continues to check in and wish us well and include us in your prayers. I can see more and more how we have been the beneficiaries of the great kindness and compassion of others and it fills my heart to overflowing.

It is by grace that we are saved

The blog has become sort of a dumping ground for any of my religious talks or thoughts or writings. I had the chance to speak in church today and shared thoughts I had prepared for a young women's lesson the previous week.

I love teaching the gospel because of the chance it gives me to study specific doctrines or ideas with a greater purpose. This talk was the result of some time spent studying grace that helped me realize- again- how great Jesus is and how much I really do need Him.

Grace

I am grateful for the chance to speak to you today. Last week I taught the Laurel’s a lesson called “what is grace?” and if they will forgive me for the repetition I would like to pose that question for your consideration.

So- What is grace?

In the dictionary, Grace has many definitions.

It is simple elegance or refinement of movement.

It is courteous goodwill.

Grace is a period officially allowed for payment of a sum due

It is a short prayer of thanks said before or after a meal

And Grace can also be a female name

But what is Grace in the spiritual sense?

The bible dictionary declares that Grace is ...

“A word that occurs frequently in the New Testament, especially in the writings of Paul. The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.

It is through the grace of the Lord Jesus, made possible by His atoning sacrifice, that mankind will be raised in immortality, every person receiving his body from the grave in a condition of everlasting life. It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means.”

So in summary- grace is divine help. Grace is divine strength. Grace is the enabling power of Christ that allows us to make it through this life and eventually gain exaltation in the next.  Grace is not operable alone- it is rooted in, flows from and is effective through Jesus Christ. Jesus has the power to save, to cleanse from sin and to raise the dead and the act of Him doing so (saving us, helping us, enabling us, healing us) is called grace. Grace is the atonement of Jesus Christ in action!

Most of us are familiar with the scripture Nephi penned in 2 Nephi 25:23:

“For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children and also our brethren to believe in Christ and to be reconciled to God. For we know that it is by GRACE that we are saved, after all we can do.”

I don’t know how many times I had heard this scripture and focused so much on the phrase “after all we can do.” But somehow in my study last week a new phrase took hold in my mind- “It is by GRACE that we are saved.”

In a conference talk entitled The Gift of Grace, Elder Uchtdorf shared the following idea: “I am certain Nephi knew that the Savior’s grace allows and enables us to overcome sin. This is why Nephi labored so diligently to persuade his children and brethren “to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God.” After all, that is what we can do! And that is our task in mortality!

Stated differently- we cannot make it through this life on our own. We are all fallen, imperfect and mortal. All we can do will never be enough. We will ONLY be saved through GRACE.

Elder Uchtdorf states, “Salvation cannot be bought with the currency of obedience; it is purchased by the blood of the Son of God.”

So OUR task then is to believe in Jesus Christ and be reconciled to God. To have faith in Jesus and to repent--- that IS what we can do. That is what we can give to receive of His grace.

To share personally, in the 5 years since Jake’s diagnosis people have often asked me how I do it? How have I made it through this experience? How do I have strength? How do I go on? And I have never had an adequate answer to give them. I often stand there dumbstruck with a gaping mouth and a wondering mind.  

But through my study the answer because obvious- I have been saved through grace. It is because of the grace of Jesus Christ that I am still standing, that I have survived incredible pain and loss, that I have hope for the future. The grace of Jesus Christ has given me power and ability to do what I could never have done on my own. That is the blessing, strength and wonder of grace. It really really really is by grace that we are saved.

So how do we draw more of this saving, strengthening and healing power into our lives? How do we rely on the grace of Jesus Christ?

The laurels and I took a field trip as part of our lesson last week to a tree outside of the church building. Since it is time and logistically prohibitive to have all of you stand up and come outside I would like you to picture a tree (or vine) in your mind as I read the following verses from John 15-

1 I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman.

           

2 Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit.

           

4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.

           

5 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.

           

6 If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.

           

7 If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you.

           

8 Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.

           

9 As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you: continue ye in my love.

           

We are the branches. We have no life in ourselves save that it is given to us through the vine- Jesus Christ. Like these branches cut off from the roots of the tree- we can withdraw from Him- In our hearts, in our belief, in our actions. We can cast ourselves off from His nourishing roots. OR we can choose to stay with Him. To remain on the vine. To persist and bear fruit even as we are purged and to always continue in His love.

In October 2017 conference Elder Holland stated “I testify of the grand destiny, made available to us by the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, who Himself continued “from grace to grace” until in His immortality.... I testify that in this and every hour He is, with nail-scarred hands, extending to us that same grace, holding on to us and encouraging us, refusing to let us go until we are safely home in the embrace of Heavenly Parents.”

I also am a witness of the grace of Jesus Christ. I love the Savior. I know that He is real. His grace is available to me, to you and to everyone who will “abide in Him” and it is by His grace that we will, currently and eternally, be saved.