April

As usual there is much I want to say but little time and energy to say it.

We made it through the month of April.

The spring generally can be a difficult time for me. There are so many memories of Jacob- his birthday, his many surgeries, and his death that occurred during the springtime. Easter and general conference also bring these memories to the surface and it can be a hard month.

Thankfully I know that now. I know that the month of April is emotional and I can better plan for the ups and downs. They are not exactly predictable and I am still caught off guard by how painful the waves of grief can be but I am not a stranger to them anymore. And I know that they will not last forever.

I was introduced to the ball and box analogy of grief that I found very true and applicable. You can find it here. I do think that my ball has shrunk down so much in size and mostly bangs around the box unhindered. But occasionally it still hits the button and the pain comes roaring back with the same searing intensity and gutting predictability. I had a few painful days this month, but honestly I can say that it was better than the last two years. Although I could not believe it (and kind of hated it when people would say it to me) time really does heal. Years of time DO make a difference.

We had some very happy times. April 4 would have been Jake's 40th birthday and I could not let the day pass without doing something. I LOVE his birthday. I am so glad and grateful that Jacob was born and came into the world. I always will be.

Jake had often told me that he would love to get a BMW for his 40th birthday. And I often shot him down telling him that we couldn't afford such a car and that it was impractical.

As I was bemoaning the fact that he would never get his beemer to a friend she gave me a great idea- she told me to rent a BMW and drive it around all day on his birthday.

So that is just what I did. We found a BMW to rent for the day and I kept it a surprise for the kids. I told them we'd be doing someting Jake had talked about for his 40th birthday but kept them guessing as we drove to Salt Lake that morning for the surprise. We got out of our van and got into the BMW and drove it around for the next 10 hours.

It was amazing!

I am no car person. I always felt like if something has four wheels it is good enough. But after spending the day in that car I am converted to the wonder of a fine vehicle.

We drove 240 miles in one day. We stopped and gave rides to our family members in town- my dad, my mom, my sister and her kids, Jacob's parents, our sister-in-law and her kids. Jacob's brother took it for a spin that night. It was so so fun.

Riding in that car was a true joy and helped the kids and I feel and remember our love for Jake.

We also had a small BBQ party with our family members and some dear friends in our ward. We ate dinner and played games and sang happy birthday while Ada and Tommy blew out candles on a sheet of BYU brownies. It was a happy thing to celebrate Jake's birth and be together. Although my littlest kids may not have their own memories of Jake I am grateful that they can create have new memories of celebrating his birthday that can still help them feel connected to him.

Then came April 23. 3 years since the day Jake died. I'm not going to lie. It was kind of a crappy and horrible day. For all I try and talk myself out of giving much space or attention to his death date it is still pretty painful as the reality that he is gone- and has been now for 3 years- comes crashing down on me.

3 years feels like a really long time.

And I think I start to ache as I propel it into the future.  3 years becoming 13. And then 30. And then 53. It can kind of feel like forever.

Thankfully I was not left alone in my sorrow. People came to my aid- remembering. Calling and texting me messages. Bringing flowers. Hugging me. Listening as I cried. And I got through it. My greatest happiness came when the girls came home from school and saw me tear faced and asked what was wrong. As I told them it was the day Jake died 3 years ago they all said- "Oh yea, I forgot" and I was so grateful. April 23 does not need to be a horrible day for the rest of our kids lives. They ache for him plenty- on days that are meaningful to them. Their birthdays, at their sporting events, when the daddy-daughter son campout is announced. They don't need to have another heavy handed mourning day placed on their already sensitive hearts.

Then on April 24 I spent the day in the temple.

It was a balm to soothe and bind up and restore my fragmented heart. That is Christ's transcendent power offered to us through covenants made in the house of the Lord- the miraculous exchange of sorrow and heartache for peace and joy.

I was joined by wonderful friends and family members as we spent 7 hours doing the temple ordinances in sequence- from baptism to sealings. And I was grateful for other family members far away who participated in temple work at times that suited them best.

There was such a comforting peace as I saw again how the ordinances and covenants work together- literally lifting us from our present state and preparing us for the joy that awaits us in the presence of God. 

And I was also comforted to know that we were doing work in behalf of those who are dead.

Work that they, without physical bodies, cannot do for themselves. My mind was pacified as I heard again and again the phrase who is dead and recognized that I am certainly not the first, and definitely not the last person to lose someone who they love. To mourn and ache during this separation period. I am not so special or unique.

But rather I felt empowered and comforted to know that death has been part of the human story since the beginning. Death is a reality for everyone. And as Paul stated "for since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead" I was again assured of the truth that for Jacob- and for every person whose work we did in the temple that day- and for every person who has ever died- the resurrection is a reality. They will ALL live again. They will have opportunities to progress. They will be empowered through covenant. They will, as Job testified, in their flesh see God.

And that is the greatest miracle of all.