A good find

I've been going through documents on our computer lately and came across this talk Jake wrote some months after being diagnosed with GBM. I love reading his words. There is something about written language that helps to convey the essence of a person- their ideas, though processes and personality in such a beautiful way. I love every treasure I find that Jake wrote down and feel grateful that there is more than I thought there would be. He wasn't a prolific writer, but he was sure a good one when the opportunity presented itself.

So without further ado here is Jake's talk. 

"Last October, the prophet encouraged us to “ponder the path of our feet.” Where are we going? Who are we following?

We lived with God as Spirits before we came to the earth. We chose to come here. We wanted to be here because we knew that we would get experience that we could only get while separated from our heavenly parents. We learn from the book of Abraham that we came here so that we could prove ourselves, “to see if [we would] do all the things whatsoever the Lord [our] God shall command [us].”  We must walk as the Savior walked.

As I’m sure you all know, this past year has been a trying one for me and my family. I want to briefly share two things I’ve learned as I’ve battled grade four brain cancer.

First, After the Darkest Night, the Sun Always Rises

One year ago this morning, Jordan called Bishop Smart before the sun came up. This is the kind of wake up call a bishop doesn’t want but often gets. She told him that she’d picked me up from work the afternoon before b/c I thought I might be having a stroke. Faintness and right sided numbness. After a stop at urgent care, I ended up in the emergency room.

In the emergency room, among the many tests, they decided to do an MRI of my head. They found a small mass deep inside my brain. They didn’t know exactly what it was, so they decided to admit me overnight to observe and do more tests first thing in the morning.

Due to logistical problems created by an unplanned emergency and 4 young kids, including a nursing baby, I ended up that night in the hospital alone googling words like “high grade astrocytoma” and “demylenating.” I was supposed to be sleeping. I was beyond exhausted and had just worked a very long week. 

Darkness and dark thoughts set in as I thought about dying or becoming permanently disabled. I tried sleeping but just cried and cried. I was desperately tired. I was relieved when Jordan called around 2 or 3 because she couldn’t sleep either. We wept together as we discussed our children and what could happen to me. More than anything else I wanted to be with Jordan. Hold her. Wipe away her tears. Let her wipe away my tears.

President Monson reminded us: “Jesus walked the path of pain. Consider Gethsemane, where He was “in an agony … and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”  And none can forget His suffering on the cruel cross. . . . Likewise shall we walk the path of pain. We, as servants, can expect no more than the Master, who left mortality only after great pain and suffering.”

But the Savior’s pain and suffering was not eternal.  Three days after he passed away, he was gloriously resurrected. Nor is our suffering eternal. In my case, after the darkest night of my life, two men armed with the priesthood came to be with me. I can still remember the sunlight creeping through the hospital room window that morning and Bishop Smart and Brother Case appeared in their suits, full of compassion and love for me and my family. They had already been by the house and given Jordan a much needed blessing of comfort that I couldn’t give. I don’t remember what was said.  The only thing I remember is that once the priesthood was there, the darkness that I felt throughout the night started to leave. Just like the Lord reminded Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail, “thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.” 

The sun always rises after a dark night.

Second, We Have Only One Thing to Learn Here on Earth — To Submit Completely to Heavenly Father

The Lord has blessed us with a lot of stuff. We have families. We have food. We have clothing. We have shelter. We have a wonderful meetinghouse. We have bank accounts. We have jobs. We have bodies. We have friends. All these things, however, we can lose in an instant. 

But there is one thing that God nor anyone else can ever take from us — our free will. We always have a choice as to how we will respond to a challenge or even a blessing. I think submitting my will to God’s will might be the biggest thing I’ve had to learn and relearn over the past year.

One example is after my tumor came back in early August. It was really the first bad news in a long time. From my initial overnight hospital stay to the biopsy in February there was nothing but worst case scenario. It might be an autoimmune disease like MS or it might be a high grade rapidly enhancing brain tumor. Bad news. While we were waiting for the biopsy, the tumor quadrupled in size. Bad news. The surgeon who did the biopsy doesn’t feel like he could safely remove it. Bad news. After we found a surgeon who could take the tumor out, it was nothing but good news. They got the tumor out. Good news. I regained my full faculties after the surgery. Good news. I had a wonderful first scan. Good news. I was back to work and had been rebuilding my case load. I’d just travelled to San Diego to meet a prospective client. Good news.  Our family took a trip to Hawaii. Good news. 

Naturally, I expected the good news train to keep rolling. But it wasn’t to be. I was back under the saw and knife of the operating room in a few days after the August scan showed new tumor growth.

I was sorely disappointed at this setback and decided that part of the reason why it came back was because I was pushing myself too hard.  So, I decided that I would totally check out after I came back from the hospital. I did nothing helpful and just let Jordan do everything. Meals in bed, check. Kids bedtime, check. I withdrew from my family. By the end of the week, I felt horrible. Jordan and the kids were at their wit’s end. I think she felt guilty for feeling that way. As I prepared my Sunday School lesson, I got a prompting that I needed to serve my family. So I woke up early on Sunday and made waffles for everyone and brought Jordan breakfast in bed with a note of appreciation. The feeling in our home changed instantly. Feelings of love and overwhelming joy vanquished the stress and sorrow.

That was a big lesson to me that self-pity and self-indulgence drive away the Spirit while service and love bring the Spirit instantly. As President Monson taught: “As we strive to place Christ at the center of our lives by learning His words, by following His teachings, and by walking in His path, He has promised to share with us the eternal life that He died to gain. There is no higher end than this, that we should choose to accept His discipline and become His disciples and do His work throughout our lives. Nothing else, no other choice we make, can make of us what He can.”

We’ve been first-hand witnesses the Spirit of love and service in this ward and from our friends and family members. Words are impossible to express how much we love all of you and how grateful we are for all that you’ve done for us. I know that God lives and loves us."