Widowing

This weekend I attended the LDS Widows and Widowers Conference.

My dear widowed friend Sarah, who I'd only talked to on the phone flew into town to attend with me and I was so grateful to go with her.

I have to say that the conference was actually very helpful. It was not easy to attend, nor was I thrilled to be a part of this group, but there was something very strengthening in being with people who know this pain and are trying to walk this difficult road.

Several people I've told asked if it was some sort of widowed meat market, but as the women outnumbered the men 10 to one, and the young women outnumbered the young men 50 to 1 I can safely say no. I'm sure you can find what you are looking for, but the organizers specifically work to make the conference a helpful and instructive experience to aid you as you process the loss of your spouse.

I wrote down a lot of notes and appreciated the different presenters, topics and ideas that were shared. There are actually archives of the past conference HERE, so if you weren't able to attend or would like to listen again you have that resource.

I also think that although the conference was specifically designed for widows and widowers, many of the talks shared would be helpful to listen to if you are a family member or close friend, if you have married a widow/er, or if you have lost a child or a father or mother to death. Many aspects of loss are universal and we could all benefit by learning more about the process of grieving.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen spoke at this conference and made the interesting observation that while he was sitting by his spouse on the stand it occurred to him that either one of the other of them would become part of this group some day.  Being separated by death from our spouse is something NONE of us want, but it is a reality that ALL of us will experience.

The most helpful part of the conference for me was meeting, talking to and being with other young widows. We were such a small segment of the group and yet I found great strength in knowing that I am really not alone, that others know this pain, and in learning from their experiences. Meeting and being with these girls was such a gift for me.

It was also interesting to observe that widowhood crosses all segments of life- it is very cross-sectional. There were people of all different backgrounds, ages, employments, locations, experiences, you name it attending the conference and no two experiences were the same.

There is no recipe for what makes you a widow/widower, what keeps you from it, or why it happens. Seeing all of the different people there and knowing that we all have lost a spouse affirms my belief that DEATH JUST HAPPENS. Yes, God knows the timetable of our lives, but he is not orchestrating our destruction. Rather He lets us be subject to the laws of our fallen world. Accidents happen, bodies break, disease infiltrates, breath ceases and people die. It is mistaken to think that some are more equipped, stronger, more capable, or better able to handle the death of their spouse. Or that faith was lacking, miracles were short or some individuals were more needed in heaven than others.

As I looked into the faces of the people in the room I felt great comfort in knowing that the death of our spouse happened to all of us, and in whatever state of mind, heart, economics, age, life experience, relationship, finances, or spirituality we were in Heavenly Father was there to meet us in our brokenness and offer us HIS relief- the relief that comes in and through His Son, Jesus Christ.

Talk after talk seemed to reiterate this view that I am coming to gain for myself. None of us can make it. It is more that any of us can handle. We are not enough and cannot do it on our own. But with the Savior we can move forward and I left with great hope from the words and experiences shared that somehow, sometime, someway my life will have great meaning and purpose and joy again.

ARCHIVE WW CONFERENCE LINK

Blessed peace

After what was certainly a roller-coaster ride month I have felt great peace again the last few days.

I am so so so so so so grateful for peace. 

I don't think that I fully appreciated what a gift it is. I don't think I'd ever felt it in such great measure.

Many people talk about the Savior's promise of peace that passeth all understanding and I had an idea of what that meant. 

But throughout this journey I can cite several instances where a palpable, tangible peace has come to my mind, to my heart and to my soul that under the circumstances- what my literal mind could see and understand and feel- made no sense. 

I now know what the scripture is talking about. That even when you are in the terrible storm, the billowing waves, the tossing sea your heart is at peace and there is a great calm. 

It is a contrast of opposites to have the world swirling around you, out of control and completely upended and yet feel an all encompassing, encircling, enriching peace. 

I only wish it could stay with me all the time. 

In the first weeks after Jake died I believe that peace came as a great gift of grace. I did nothing to deserve it and it was my constant companion.

But somehow over the intervening months as life has normalized and the cares of the day have taken more space in my mind and heart I have had to make more exertion to find that blessed relief. That peace. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I do not think that God works on a formula or has stringent requirements for sending us peace, but I do know that for me, my heart and mind must be open and willing so that I can recognize and receive that help. And that takes work and time and humbling and listening and gratitude and consistent seeking to receive of His peace. 

I do not have a formula, or an exact description of how to obtain that blessed relief. I do know that such great peace comes from the atonement of Jesus Christ and is one of the greatest gifts He can offer us in this life. To exchange pain for peace. To exchange heartache for peace. To exchange sorrow for peace. To offer peace under any circumstance for He alone is The Prince of Peace. 

I can tell you things that help me when I am in the muck and mire to find His peace. This is partly for my own reference later on when, inevitably, I fall off of the cliff and need to remember how to get back up again. 

Remembering is so important. 

These are in no particular order, but are all things that combined, have brought me the Savior's peace even in the pain of loss. 

Prayer

I miss kneeling and praying with Jake every night before going to bed. It was one of my favorite parts of our marriage. I did learn much from hearing him pray though and am often reminded of things he would say or express in prayer and uplifted from the memories. 

I pray what I am really thinking. If I am struggling, upset, mad or envious I express those feelings in my prayers, asking Heavenly Father to meet me where I am and help me search and understand my own heart. 

I find myself praying with more earnestness but also more simply when I am in a particularly dark time. In those prayers I just express my struggle, my heartache or grief, but also remind Heavenly Father (and myself!) of my commitment to stay with Him and of my love for Him and His Son. 

And I always, always, always ask for the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Sometimes that is my only request for the day. 

Temple

Since moving to Provo and living just 5 minutes away from (two) temples I have made it a priority to attend the temple every week. I really can't think of anything better that I could be doing with my time and going regularly to the temple has helped me to keep a better perspective on my challenges.

I am not a big picture kind of girl. I really love details and minutia and organization and can often get so bogged down by the little things that I loose sight of the whole. Jake was so good at the big picture stuff, keeping perspective and having vision. I think that is what made us a good team and I often feel lost without him to pull me out of the muck of little things.

So I go to the temple. Regularly. And EVERY time that I am there I am reminded. Of the big picture. The eternal one. The one that shows us where we came from and why we are here and where we are going and that offers us binding covenants to make ALL of that effective. 

There is nowhere else that I have been that offers me such a grand view of eternity and pulls me from my minutia to view the whole picture. His picture. And being reminded of the whole picture helps me when I'm drowning in the reality of the specks. 

Scriptures

One of the great gifts I've been given in this life is a love for the scriptures. I really is a spiritual gift that I did nothing to deserve or merit, but I am not put off by the scriptures and often find great comfort as I read them. 

I try and read at least a few verses every night before going to bed. I am a night person and my mind is more open and ready to receive when I read the scriptures that way. I usually read cover to cover, but have also studied topically or thematically from the scriptures.  There have been many nights in the last few years where I did not feel like reading. I was too mad or too tired or too sad. And sometimes I didn't. But when I do just open up the books, and read even a verse or two my heart is comforted and I feel more peace.

I just spoke to the youth from church and told them about my experience of reading the Book of Mormon while Jake was sick and how I approached it as a journal- writing down my thoughts, questions, feelings and circling only what meant something to me at the time. And in that process I changed. My heart changed. And I became willing to trust in the Lord no matter the outcome. My circumstances only got worse, but somehow reading the scriptures and experiencing that actual change of heart prepared me, enabled me to face it. There is no other explanation for it. 

Recently, as I started reading the Book of Mormon again these verses in the introduction stood out to me. "The Book of Mormon...puts forth the doctrines of the gospel, outlines the plan of salvation and tells men what they must do to gain peace in this life and eternal salvation in the life to come"

If there is any better place to find instruction on what we must to do gain peace in this life I am unaware of it. The scriptures are a great key to finding peace for me.

Self-care

Doing things to take care of myself has become even more important. When Jake was alive, even throughout his illness, he could see when I was going down and would always give me encouragement to do whatever I needed to do to take care of myself. He would just take over- the house, the kids, the responsibilities so that I could have time to process these great swells of pain. 

But he is not here to help me in that way anymore. So I have to be very contentious in making time and space for myself. I have been very grateful for both mine and Jacob's parents who have come regularly to help me with our kids and give me some very needed time off. Being on the clock ALL OF THE TIME is exhausting. Truly exhausting. So I find people to help and spell me from the weight of parenting 24/7. 

I finally feel more desire/ability to exercise and have gone to a yoga class weekly for a few months and have tried to go on a hike weekly since the weather has improved. It feels really good to move again, be outside and breathe. 

I also do things to pamper myself a little bit, so that life doesn't feel continuously heavy and hard. I get a monthly massage, have my hair done regularly and find enjoyment in occasional retail therapy. For me, getting a new outfit can really boost my mood and help my spirits improve. 

Counseling

I am a 100 percent believer in the benefits of professional counseling. I think that everyone, even those not facing tragic or traumatic circumstances could benefit from speaking with a trained professional, but to those who are really going through something bigger than yourself there are great resources to be found through professional counseling services. 

I started seeing my counselor shortly after Jake was diagnosed, and through the use of technology I am still able to visit with her regularly even though we live in different states. I do not know where I would be without the help that she has given me and the tools she has been able to offer.

I am a great beneficiary of EMDR, a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress as a result of disturbing life experiences and continue to be helped by my counselor through this treatment as I process my grief. I know that my mind has been healed from some distressing experiences and harrowing thoughts because of the counseling I have received. 

Serving

For me, a great antidote to my sorrow and pain is serving others. Luckily I have the ability to serve four little people every day, all day and while the continuity of that service can be draining there is nothing that I would rather be doing. I am grateful that the main focus of my days is on what our children need and how I can care for and nurture them. 

I also have opportunities to serve through the church. I am working in the Primary and serve as one of two Primary choristers who get to teach the children in our ward songs about the Savior and His gospel each Sunday. I am coming to love these sweet children and am grateful for how they have so easily opened their hearts to me and our kids. It is a gift to be with them. 

When I am especially feeling low, it helps me to remember that although I feel shattered there are still things that I can do for those around me. Things as simple as sending a text telling someone thank you for helping me that day, or writing an email to let someone know I was thinking of them or just praying for someone who needs a boost are things that I can do to help others and draw me out of my own pool of self-pity and sorrow. 

Jake learned that especially as he started to loose his physical abilities. There is always something we can do to serve others and that service will, in turn, help our own aching hearts.

Other people

There should be a more eloquent title to write about how I am so often able to find peace, and hope and strength from the acts and love and service and prayers of other people. 

It is impossible to describe, but the ability of dear friends, beloved family members, and even strangers to continue, even a year later, to reach out to me, encourage me, remind me and love me with such intensity and intent has been miraculous.  I cannot thank you enough. Truly, the things you do to share the Savior's love with me and our children are so meaningful and combine to remind us again of His peace. 

In the last month I had numberless interactions with so many of you that gave me strength and courage and helped me to not feel so alone. Each hug, phone call, text message, loaf of bread, visit, postcard, dinner invitation, playdate, email, hike, letter, flower, FB/IG message, prayer and every other correspondence was so needed and appreciated.  I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for such an amazing circle of supporters. We would be lost without you.

I felt such a tangible peace descend on our home on the one year anniversary of Jake's death. It came after days of much grief and pain and was a palpable peace that the kids and I could all feel as a response to so many prayers offered in our behalf. That gift of peace seemed to provide the start of another change of heart for me as I was able to use many of these resources in the last weeks to soften my heart, to bend, to trust God even as I ached for my best friend and husband. 

I've often thought that I know what is best for me. 

I thought (and still often think) that the best thing for me to have in this life is living, breathing, heart-beating Jake. It is what I really want.

But because I can't have that now, because that is not my reality, I am beginning to think that what I need instead, what I can have at this time, what is best for me is Peace.

His Peace. 

The peace that really does pass all understanding. That emanates from the Savior himself and comes in exchange for heartache, for pain, for grief. 

My hope for all of us is that we can find peace- real, tangible, lasting peace in Jesus Christ. As the Savior said, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world."