Helping those in crisis

I met two new friends this summer after we moved to Utah.

Both of them are young mothers like me whose dear husbands had GBM brain tumors.

I connected with Valerie and Erica through mutual friends on social media months ago and am so sorry for the pain they, their husbands, their sweet children and their families have endured.

I wish that no one else had to go through this experience.

Valerie's husband Rob passed away on July 22 and Erica's husband Tony just died on December 2, and as I thought about what I could do to help them it brought to mind all of the things our army of friends and family did to help us.

I could never give an exhaustive list of every service and kindness we received. There were too many to ever count, but my gratitude for the love shown to us is inexhaustible.

However, I did want to shed some light, from my recent experience, on some things that are especially helpful to people in times of crisis whether it be financial, marital, familial or medical in nature. I broke them down into four categories:

1) Take care of the basics

2) Anticipate secondary needs

3) Give evidence of your support

4) Pray always

First, take care of the basics.

Anyone in a great crisis can tell you that the last thing they think about is what to eat for dinner, but the reality is that they will need something to put in their mouths each night. Several times we came home from a horrible MRI scan feeling sick about life and worried about the next steps to take and the last thing on our minds was wondering if there was food in our refrigerator.

Each of us need basic things to sustain life on a daily basis. We need food to eat three meals a day. We need clean clothes. We need simple toiletries to bathe and care for ourselves. We need a bed to sleep in, preferably a clean one. We need gas in our car. We need these necessities for ourselves, for our spouses and for any children living in our homes.

Sometimes the most helpful service during a great crisis is when someone can take care of your basic needs. I cannot count the times we received wonderful homemade meals from dear friends, had our laundry washed, folded and put away by family members, had our house cleaned and sheets changed, had food delivered to our house, and our fridge filled. Every time our sister in law walked into our home she just started cleaning. Our beds were made, sheets changed, car filled with gas and cleaned inside and out, and grocery runs completed by others who wanted to help us in our times of great need.

Many of these individuals were on the ground, neighbors who were in close proximity or family members who had come to stay with us in our home. But even if you are not in close proximity to someone, you can still help them with these needs. Gift cards are amazing and can cover basic needs such as meals, groceries and gas. Even if you can't personally deliver a meal you can buy the equivalent value in a gift card, put it in the mail and know that you are really helping someone. Several family members who wanted to help me clean, but were not in the state, paid for a cleaning lady to come to my house twice a month and help with that need. I was constantly amazed by the creativity of people near and far to think of our basic needs for food, shelter, clothing and transportation and take care of those basics so we could focus our time and energy on Jake's health crises.

Second, anticipate secondary needs.

This is slightly different from taking care of the basics and I hope I can illustrate it properly with the following example.

Jake had another surgery in 2015, near the end of our girl's school year. The girls and I always liked to give a teacher's gift to their teachers, but I wasn't even thinking about it with his recovery taking priority. A dear friend called me one day and offered to make the teachers gift for me, as she was already making something for her children's teachers and would not be inconvenienced by making a few more.

I was so grateful for her offer and said yes immediately. Later in the week she brought me a darling gift for the girls to give to their teachers that alleviated my need to spend time making or buying something on my own. I was grateful that she could perceive that my girls would want a gift to give to their teachers, but that I would not have time to pull it together.

Every family has needs beyond those basic to sustaining life. Especially if a family has young children, there are always needs for help with childcare, car rides, sports practices, laundry, reading, cleaning rooms, school assignments, etc. that are part of normal living. In addition, when you are consumed with great stress it is a blessing to still have opportunities to have fun, get out of the house, or attend an event to escape for a moment the ever present trauma of your life.

The most helpful offers were those that were specific, offered in a timely manner, and focused on a certain event or member of our family. Taking the onus off of the individual in crisis to make the plan or orchestrate the help is essential. For example, saying "I want to watch your kids one night this week" is more helpful than saying "I'm happy to babysit" or offering to do laundry every Monday is more helpful than saying "Tell me if you need anything."

A friend offered to drive Lauren and Ellie to and from activity days each week. Another friend offered to tend Tommy every time we went in for Avastin infusions. Another friend sent us hair clippers in the mail when I mentioned that ours were broken. Jake's brother treated us to a CA beach getaway. Another friend offered the use of her home when she learned our family was coming into town. Another friend offered us tickets to a Suns game and free babysitting because they knew Jake loved the NBA. Another friend offered us the use of her cabin when we needed to have a family getaway. Another friend planned and hosted a 36th birthday party for Jake. Another friend sent us money in the mail to pay for our family to go to the movies. Another friend offered to organize all help when Jake went on hospice. Another friend made a beautiful mother's ring for Jake to give to me. My mom offered to buy my funeral dress after Jake died. Another friend offered to paint the walls of our house while we were in Utah for Jake's burial. Another friend invited us to go boating at the beginning of the summer. An extended family member offered to buy the kids and I snow clothes anticipating that since we just came to Utah from Arizona we wouldn't have that kind of gear. And just last week a friend offered her family to come and help me put up my Christmas lights. I could go on and on. 

These are just a few examples of secondary needs that were anticipated over the years of Jake's illness and after his death and seen to by the kind offers of family and friends. We had so many rich experiences as he was sick partly because of the thoughtfulness of others who felt for our plight and wanted to alleviate our suffering in some way.

Three, give evidence of your support.

We all know of people that are in a difficult situation. You can hardly read Faceb**k without seeing a link to support a friend of a friend or a family member who is in a time of crisis. It may seem like a very small thing to leave a comment or note of support, but when linked together those messages become a chain that can help pull you out of a very dark place. At the least they help the one suffering to know that they are not alone. Recently, as I have been grieving in a new and painful way messages of love that I receive on an almost daily basis through email, blog comments, social media, phone calls or texts have been a light in otherwise very dark days. Taking a few minutes to type a note of support and love can do wonders to change the outlook of another person's whole day. 

I cannot count the number of times Jake and I read and reread messages of support. When we were down or struggling we would often turn to our email inboxes, Faceb**k or Inst*gram pages or even open the mailbox and find some encouraging words of love. Additionally, as so many individuals (known and unknown) donated to the fund that my sister set up for our children we were overcome by the kindness of those monetary donations. They are tangible gifts of support that will bless our children's lives in the years to come.

Additionally, even if you do not personally know the individual in crisis, there are words you can say and service you can give to help support the extended family members and close friends of those in the crisis that you do know, so that those individuals can then have the strength to give support to the ones in the middle of the storm. I am so grateful for everyone who supported our parents and each of our siblings and their spouses in word and deed throughout the course of Jake's disease and death. They felt of your love and concern for them and it strengthened them to be able to see our family through many hard experiences.

I wrote previously about what to say to those in crisis. Many times we hold back from commenting or reaching out because we do not know what to say.  This article gives the best advice I've ever read on the subject and I found it to be true in practical application. Comforting words are always appropriate. Sharing your love and support is always welcome. Acknowledging the difficulty of their experience is realistic and honest. Comfort IN. Dump OUT.

Finally, pray always.

I know that many of you who read this blog come from different religious backgrounds, experiences and affiliations.  I know that we do not all pray in the same way. But I also know, in a tangible way, that every prayer offered to God in behalf of Jake, me and our children was heard and answered with a blessing on our heads. 

Many times those blessings were what we wanted- getting good results from an MRI scan, having Jake wake up from brain surgery fully functional and unaffected, being able to take family vacations and make memories with our children, finding a home for our family in Utah.

Other times those blessings were what we needed- finding strength to deliver bad news to our children, feeling calm as he made the decision to go onto long-term disability, getting surgery miraculously scheduled for the following day, finding peace even while facing the reality his death. 

And even if some blessings are still out there, waiting to be realized or answered or bestowed the power of your prayers united us together in the purpose of supplicating God, of calling on His name, of asking for His help. 

I met with a sweet friend of Jake's from high school, who told me that for two years she and her husband and little boys had been praying for Jake and our family. We had never met until just recently, but she said that she felt so much love for me and for our kids and knew that that love was a result of her prayers in our behalf. 

Prayer helps us to love more. To love God. To love our families. To love our friends. To love people we have never even met. It has a unifying, sanctifying, lifting and enriching power in our lives and in the lives of those we are praying for. 

So even when you feel like there is nothing you can do for someone in crisis, remember that you can always, always, always pray. 

And those prayers, together with God's love, mercy, and grace will be enough. 

Love the Brotherhood

I am so grateful for the kindness and love I felt from so many of you after my last post. I really do find solace in writing and appreciate those of you who responded with such care and concern. It means the world to me. 

I am grateful for all of the recorded communication that I have with Jake- through email, texts, video and pictures and find great comfort in having so many ways to remember him. This last week I spent some time reading through old emails we'd written to each other and came across this talk Jacob gave at a church training meeting in 2011. I appreciated reading his thoughts and hope you will too.

Love the Brotherhood

Jacob Robertson

I.         Introduction

It’s good to come here every week and see friends, familiar faces, and get caught up.  It’s good to shake hands.  A convert to the Church once remarked in a fast and testimony meeting, “The Mormons are the handshakingest group I’ve ever met.“ [1]  In our culture, we haven’t adopted the New Testament direction to “[s]alute one another with a holy kiss,”[2]  but in some cultures, like where I served my mission in Spain, exchanging “besos” is common.

So, why do we smile and shake hands so much?  Why are we the handshakingest group?  Arriving at church is like meeting up with a group where there has been inclement weather.  If I’m running inside during a downpour, it seems like there always bigger smile and a bigger “glad you made it.”  When we shake hands with our friends each week we seem to acknowledge glad you’re here, glad you made it another week.  Or, if someone new visits we seem to say, “glad you made it in from the storm, welcome.”  That’s how we should aspire to feel and help everyone to feel.

The storms of life around members of the Church are nothing new.  In ancient times, the apostle Peter gave counsel to a group of Saints in Asia Minor who were weathering the storm of outside persecution and misunderstanding.  Among many inspired words, he wrote, “Honour all men. Love the brotherhood.  Fear God. Honour the king.”[3]

Those are four profound sentences packed in one verse. We are to honor, that is to respect, all persons and our governmental leaders.  We are to fear, or worship, God.  And we are to love the brotherhood.

Today, I want to talk about why I “love the Brotherhood.”  Now, the term “brotherhood” as used in the verse I believe applies to the whole Church, including its investigators and friends.   Indeed, Elder Wirthlin gave a talk a few years ago in which he applied the term “brotherhood” to include the sisters.[4]  But over the next few minutes, I want to specifically focus on loving the brotherhood as it relates to men and the Priesthood.  I’m sure sisters love the Brotherhood of the Priesthood and what it does for the boys and men in their lives.

II.        Why I Love the Brotherhood

So, why do I love the brotherhood?  Well, if this were an Elder’s Quorum Lesson, this is the point where I would toss out that question out for brainstorming, “Why do you love the brotherhood?”  The answers would pour in and be filled with insight from all different perspectives.  The answers would include things I’d never thought of nor could have thought of.  And that right there is the first reason why I love the Brotherhood that I want to talk about.

1.    I love the Brotherhood because the God-given talents, abilities, concern, and inspiration of Priesthood brethren bless my life and the lives of those I care about.

We live in a unique time in world history in that any worthy male member of the Church age 12 and older is encouraged to join the Priesthood.  In joining the Preisthood, we become part of what Peter called “a chosen generation, a royal priesthood.”[5]  Heavenly Father designed his royal priesthood such that the membership varied in age, size, life experience, or just about any other characteristic you could think of.  Heavenly Father made us all different for a reason!  Every priesthood holder has something to give.  Every Priesthood holder has the opportunity to make a unique contribution to this worldwide brotherhood.  Every priesthood holder has duties.  Heavenly Father knows our weaknesses, and he also knows our strengths.

Priesthood brethren have helped me throughout life probably more than I know in both mundane and spiritual ways.  As a youth, my wonderful home teaching companion, who was a high priest, hired me to move furniture at his store when I needed a job even though I was scrawny, maybe 135 pounds soaking wet.  He also wrote me a generous recommendation letter when I applied to college.  Many young men’s leaders shepherded me through the never-easy teenage years.  Good friends and priesthood holders who were older than me honored their priesthood and set the standard for me to follow.  A wonderful man and his family walked away from his business back in the United States to preside over my mission in Spain and helped turn hundreds of boys into men in their service.  Priesthood leaders and brethren in student wards committed to the Cause helped me along through my college years.  Jordan’s dear grandpa sealed us with the Priesthood power in the temple.  It comforts me now to know that home teachers are watching over our family.  These are only a few ways I have benefited from the Brotherhood of the Priesthood.

I’m sure each of us can point to loving, faithful Priesthood holders who have helped us in our spiritual and temporal journey on this earth.  It may have been a father, friend, home teacher, bishop, but we all need help.  We shouldn’t be afraid to call on the talents and abilities of those in the Brotherhood.  God designed it for our benefit.

In addition to the variety of talents and abilities in the Brotherhood, there are three more reasons I love the Brotherhood that come to mind.

2.    I love the Brotherhood because it gives me the opportunity to serve

God reserves his most choice blessings for those who serve faithfully in the Priesthood. Doctrine and Covenants 84:33–38 reads:

“For whoso is faithful unto the obtaining these two priesthoods of which I have spoken, and the magnifying their calling, are sanctified by the Spirit unto the renewing of their bodies.

“They become the sons of Moses and of Aaron and the seed of Abraham, and the church and kingdom, and the elect of God.

“And also all they who receive this priesthood receive me, saith the Lord;

“For he that receiveth my servants receiveth me;

“And he that receiveth me receiveth my Father;

“And he that receiveth my Father receiveth my Father’s kingdom; therefore all that my Father hath shall be given unto him.”

I have felt sanctified and renewed in service.  Some of the deepest joy and sense of worth I have experienced has come through service.  I suspect we would all be amazed if we took a step back and could see as God sees all the service of the people in this room given because of the Priesthood.  To most, it is probably so ingrained that you don’t even recognize much of the service they do.  I know the promise in Doctrine and Covenants 84 is true, and I hope one day to be worthy to see it fully fulfilled in my and Jordan’s lives. 

3.    I love the Brotherhood because my Brothers are Merciful

We all love God and want to serve him and become better people.  We all have foibles and follies.  The more we put ourselves out there, trying to serve, the greater our faults will be magnified.  Indeed, by accepting ordination to the Priesthood, we take on a whole other level of commitment that we will inevitably come up short.  I love how we are taught in the Priesthood not to be critical or judgmental.  We must show one another mercy.

Joseph Smith taught:

“Ever keep in exercise the principle of mercy, and be ready to forgive our brother on the first intimations of repentance, and asking forgiveness; and should we even forgive our brother, or even our enemy, before he repent or ask forgiveness, our heavenly Father would be equally as merciful unto us.” ⁵

“Bear and forbear one with another, for so the Lord does with us. Pray for your enemies in the Church and curse not your foes without: for vengeance is mine, saith the Lord, and I will repay [see Romans 12:19]. To every ordained member, and to all, we say, be merciful and you shall find mercy. Seek to help save souls, not to destroy them: for verily you know, that ‘there is more joy in heaven, over one sinner that repents, than there is over ninety and nine just persons that need no repentance.’”[6]

One of the most touching stories from church history is one of forgiveness by the Prophet Joseph Smith given to William W. Phelps.  In a moment of weakness, Brother Phelps had given false testimony that led to Joseph’s and his brother Hyrum’s lengthy imprisonment in Missouri.  Joseph was deeply hurt that someone he had counted on as a loyal friend had betrayed him.  Some time later, Brother Phelps felt the sting of bitter remorse for the suffering he had caused his dear friends.  I can’t imagine how terrible he must have felt.

Joseph responded by letter, which read in part:  “It is true, that we have suffered much in consequence of your behavior—the cup of gall, already full enough for mortals to drink, was indeed filled to overflowing when you turned against us, one with whom we had oft taken sweet counsel together, and enjoyed many refreshing seasons from the Lord—‘had it been an enemy, we could have borne it. . . . .  “However, the cup has been drunk, the will of our Father has been done, and we are yet alive, for which we thank the Lord. And having been delivered from the hands of wicked men by the mercy of our God, we say it is your privilege to be delivered from the powers of the adversary, be brought into the liberty of God’s dear children, and again take your stand among the Saints of the Most High, and by diligence, humility, and love unfeigned, commend yourself to our God, and your God, and to the Church of Jesus Christ.

“Believing your confession to be real, and your repentance genuine, I shall be happy once again to give you the right hand of fellowship, and rejoice over the returning prodigal.

“Your letter was read to the Saints last Sunday, and an expression of their feeling was taken, when it was unanimously resolved, that W. W. Phelps should be received into fellowship.

“‘Come on, dear brother, since the war is past,

For friends at first, are friends again at last.’”

How great Joseph and William’s joy must have been as they humbly followed the Savior’s counsel by repenting and forgiving.  As I participate in the brotherhood, I truly feel like the Priesthood is there to help save my soul, not destroy it—just as Joseph taught by word and example.  My brethren have been merciful to me and for that I love the brotherhood.

Finally,

4.    I love the Brotherhood because it makes me a better man (husband, father, son, provider, leader).

And by becoming a better man, I’m talking about the same thing that Lehi told his wayward sons as recounted in 2 Nephi 1:21:  “Arise from the dust, my sons, and be men.”  As Bishop Edgely taught:  “A true man is strong enough to withstand the wiles of Satan and humble enough to submit himself to the redemptive powers of the Savior.”[7]  Elder Christofferson taught that a true man works hard, makes the world a better place, treats women well, has integrity, repents, makes sacrifices for others, and thinks of Jesus Christ.[8]  Being a true man is a tall order, one we cannot possibly accomplish without the help of others.  For me, becoming a true man is definitely a work in progress, but I love the Brotherhood of the Priesthood because it helps me on the way.  There are so many good examples of true manliness and opportunities to learn and grow in the Brotherhood.

·      When I sit in Quorum and hear true doctrine taught by our instructors and during the discussion, it makes me want to be a better man.

·      When my wife asks me for a blessing, and I don’t feel up to task but do it anyway and words come through inspiration that are not my own, it makes me want to be a better man.

·      Seeing the example of men whose hands shoot up and sign up sheets filled when we get an assignment to help clean, go to the cannery, or help and Deseret Industries, it makes me want to be a better man.

·      When my Dad drags me to the welfare farm to pick apples it makes me want to be a better man.

·      When my Dad holds family Home Evening every single week, rain, shine, or if he’s the only one who showed up.  It makes me a better a better man.

·      When I meet with home teachers and hear the love and concern they have for their families, it makes me want to be a better man.

·      When I see the young men coming to church and fulfilling their priesthood assignments, it makes me want to be a better man.

·      When I see the love and concern that our Priesthood leaders have for our Ward family, it makes me a better man.

·      When I see members faithfully fulfilling callings given by Priesthood leaders, it makes me want to be a better man.  I am especially grateful for the nursery and primary teachers who have taken and continue to take my three girls under their wings.  I’m sure parents of other children and youth feel the same way.

·      When I hear President Monson teach from the pulpit at General Conference that “Miracles are everywhere to be found when priesthood callings are magnified. When faith replaces doubt, when selfless service eliminates selfish striving, the power of God brings to pass His purposes. Whom God calls, God qualifies.”  It makes me a better man.

I could go on.  Sufficed to say, I love how the Brotherhood inspires me to be better.  I am sure that I am not alone in that.

III.      Closing

In closing, I thank the women of the Church who see the value in the Brotherhood and love it.  I’m grateful to be a part of God’s priesthood and all the good men who are a part of it.  I love the Priesthood and have seen the blessings, just like God promises in the Scriptures.  I have seen the blessings in my life and those whom I have been fortunate to serve.  The Priesthood Brotherhood is truly a key ingredient in God’s plan for our happiness and salvation.

---

[1] Lawrence Giles, “The Mormon Handshake” Ensign, Mar. 1975.

[2] See, e.g., Romans 16:16.

[3] 1 Peter 2:17

[4] Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Band of Brothers” Ensign, Feb. 2008.

[5] 1 Peter 2:9

[6] Chapter 34: The Power of Forgiving," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Smith, (2007)

[7] Richard C. Edgely, “Behold the Man,” Oct. 1999 General Conference

[8] D. Todd Christofferson, “Let Us Be Men,” Oct. 2006 General Conference

There is no going back

I just need to write. The last few weeks have been very hard. It feels like the reality of our new life has slapped me in the face and I find myself yearning for my old life. The one with Jake in it, living in the bright Arizona sun, working out the future we had planned together.

I am 36 years old and feel like my life is over. I know I exist to care for our children, but it seems the meaning, goals, and direction for my life died with Jake. I feel so adrift and lost that it is hard some days to even identify myself.

Maybe that is a product of the loss of your spouse. The Bible instructs Adam to cleave to his wife and that they two would become one flesh. I think Jacob and I did that. We left our father and mother and set out on our own life path- together.  And even with the thoughtful plans that we outlined before his death, talked about and tried to prepare for, there really is no way to prepare for the identity loss that comes with the loss of your partner and spouse. Some days I do not know who I am because so much of me, what I liked, what I wanted, what I did with my time became intertwined with Jacob and he with me. I don’t know how it works in heaven, but does he feel the same way? Like just a half person without me by his side? Some days I selfishly hope so, that it’s not so glorious up there that he just gets on fine without me, not even noticing a difference.

I have appreciated C.S. Lewis’ book “A Grief Observed” for its candid and honest exploration of ones feelings after the loss of a spouse. There is so much truth in his words and I will share many of them here.

He states, “The death of a beloved is an amputation. Getting over it so soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off is quite another. After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies. If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop. Presently he’ll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg. He has ‘got over it.’ But he will probably have recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man. There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different. His whole way of life will be changed. All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off. Duties too. At present I am learning to get about on crutches. Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg. But I shall never be a biped again.” 

I think what kills me, as it did when Jake was sick, is thinking ahead. The future is painful, unknown and bleak. A brother in law once told me that my life would surprise me, but honestly I’m not a big fan of surprises. I cannot imagine what is in store and all I see immediately before me is a great hole where Jake used to be in our lives and me trying to keep our babies from falling into it. I know that our children are my main responsibility, but that alone at times feels heavy and overwhelming and never ending. Parenting isn’t a box you can just check off. It is a day after day pursuit.

I struggle to know what I am supposed to be. I used to be a wife and mother. Then once Jake got sick, in addition to wife and mother I became a nurse, an advocate, an accountant, a therapist, etc. I existed to hold our family together and keep our life functioning under impossible circumstances. We were living a life or death scenario day after day for 27 months. Living that way is terribly difficult, but it was also incredibly clarifying because in a world inundated with distractions we were able to see decisively what matters and what does not. 

And for the last six months after Jake’s death I have had very tangible, real, and consuming things to do. Get our house ready to put on the market, sell our home, pack and move, unpack and move in, settle Jake’s affairs, find new doctors, schools, lessons, and activities for our kids. I have had to do lists pages long and found great purpose in these tangible pursuits.

But a few weeks ago I seemed to cross the last big things off of my lists and opened up a new phase in my life that I can’t yet identify. I am still a mother, but as I have tried to remember how to just be a mother, with nothing else more pressing weighing down on me I find that I can hardly remember that time, what it felt like and what I did. I spoke with another widow friend about her desire to “go back” to who and what she was before her husband died and her identity changed, but she cannot. She is not the same person. There is no going back.  Accepting your new reality is a genuine mental and emotional struggle.  It takes a lot of thought and time and effort and heart changing work to accept your life for what it now is and to know that it will never again be what it was.

Lewis compares himself and his wife to two intersecting circles and finds, “But those two circles, above all the point at which they touched, are the very thing I am mourning for, homesick for, famished for. You tell me 'she goes on.' But my heart and body are crying out, come back, come back. Be a circle, touching my circle on the plane of Nature. But I know this is impossible. I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get. The old life, the jokes, the drinks, the arguments, the lovemaking, the tiny, heartbreaking commonplace.” 

The other night as I lay on the bathroom floor crying, drooling, and groveling on the mat I tried to make an image of what this pain feels like. The only thing that came to mind was having a hand held cheese grater run slowly back and forth across my insides, peeling off in aching layers each fiber of my heart. It is an ache so acutely painful that sometimes I just don’t want to feel it. But then like those ocean waves I have come to know it crashes down on me and I am powerless to restrain it. So it pounds me to pieces, thrashing relentlessly as I am tossed to and fro and end up finally strewn on the beach gasping for air.

And then I just lay there. Once the crying has subsided, and the pain has dispersed, and the ache is contained I just lay there numb and spent and so worn from the process. Dreading when it comes again but knowing that it definitely will.

It’s as if the life I lived completely evaporated from under my feet. Everything I knew is gone- my spouse, my home, my friends, my security and I am in a new place with new people and new responsibilities and sometimes I wake up and think “Whose life is this? It can’t be mine because I do not recognize it.”

I don’t know what is to be done. I think this is just the grieving process. It just is. Reality. The course is set. We had such little control. This is the fallout from the nuclear bomb that exploded in our lives almost three years ago. And no amount of wishing, hoping, praying or pleading can change or hold back the dust that spreads over everything, layering the remnants of our shattered lives.

And so I live in the ashes.

Lewis observed, “For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time,” and “Aren't all these notes the senseless writings of a man who won't accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it?”

Paul similarly stated to the Romans in chapter 8,

16 The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:

 17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.

I know that the only think holding me together, getting me up in the morning, helping me face the day is Christ. I could not do this without Him.  I have been the recipient of His most tender mercies over the last six months, extended to me often by the gracious hands of loving people willing to listen to and follow His promptings. I have never been abandoned, even in the darkest hours. I have clung to the Savior and He has held, cradled and guided me each day since Jacob died.

C. S. Lewis stated, “I need Christ, not something that resembles Him. You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?” 

I am grateful to know, through experience, that the rope Christ offers will and does and will always hold.

He is the sure foundation.

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And I offer Heleman’s plea to his sons as a starting place for all of us, “And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.”

Jordan's brother Andy's talk at Jake's memorial service

Hello everyone. I am Jord’s youngest brother Andy. I want to start today by saying how humbled I am to have the opportunity to speak about Jacob, or Jake as he is known by the Romney family and many of you. He is a man who I love, revere, and respect. I feel unfit for the task of speaking about Jake because no matter what I say my words will not be enough to truly express my respect and admiration for this great man. Today I speak on behalf of the Romney family specifically but also on behalf of everyone here because we all love Jake. He meant so much to each one of us.

Before I praise Jake any further I think it is pertinent to read a paragraph from a letter I wrote to him about two months ago. Talking to him I said, “When people have asked about you or when I have told people about your struggle these last two years I usually preface what I have to say about you by first stating this: Jake was a good guy before any of this happened. I think often times when someone becomes sick, injured, or maimed we pity them and put them on a pedestal.” Then I continued, “I believe in being sensitive to those who are suffering but I also want to be candid in saying that there are times we make someone out to be more than they are, or were, because something unfortunate has happened to them and we feel bad for them. This is not true in regards to you and anything I have to say about you in a positive regard are compliments you were worthy of before you got sick”.

While Jake is technically my brother in law, soon after we met he made me feel as if I were truly his youngest brother and that he was my oldest brother. He spent time with me one on one on multiple occasions. He made me feel cared for and loved. It was through the culmination of these small experiences that I grew extremely close to Jake. I would like to take the time now to recount some of the experiences we had together. I imagine if Jake were still with us he would spend time with his future teenage children in a manner similar to the way he spent time with me as a teenager.

• I remember when Jake consented to buy a snowboard and how happy I was that he was going to get a “ride” of his own. I remember he fell a lot while Jord and I taught him how to snowboard, but true to his innate easygoing attitude about life, he didn’t show frustration and just kept getting up.
• I remember many nights playing FIFA on PlayStation 2 against each other always ending the previous game with the phrase, “Ok, just one more.” I loved when one more would turn into ten more
• I remember playing basketball many times, whether on the village court, various churches, or the blazing hot park near his house in Phoenix. Every time we got together as family we would play with my Dad, Dave, and Richie. I loved playing on Jake’s team and looking his way at the end of another victory to see a subtle straight lipped smile on his face as he raised his eyebrows up and down.
• I have countless memories of watching Cougar games with Jake, be it basketball or football. I will remember watching football games with him at Lavell Edwards Stadium, Rice Eccles Stadium, Romney Stadium, at Notre Dame, at Arizona, at Boise State, at UCLA, and at Mississippi. I will remember the time he was complemented by an Ole Miss frat boy while we walked around the grove in Mississippi for being the only BYU fan that the kid had seen not wearing cargo shorts. I, like my dad Rick, am glad to know that Jake is now in a place where everyone is a Cougar fan.
• I’ll always remember the awesome family trips we have been on to various locations. I will remember all of the times I was able to visit Jake and his family in Phoenix. I will remember reluctantly joining the family on multiple occasions as we took the “polar bear plunge” into Jord and Jake’s unheated pool during the winter months. I will remember all the times I wiped tears from my eyes because I was laughing so hard as we played the game of things together as a family.
• I will remember how Jake instilled a love for Real Madrid in my heart during our FIFA playing days. I will remember the time we were able to go watch Real Madrid play Real Salt Lake in a friendly at Rice-Eccles Stadium.
• I will remember going to Suns games in Phoenix with Jake, back in the glory days of the run and gun offense with Steve Nash.
• I will remember going to Diamond Backs games with Jake, and specifically the game we stayed into extra innings together to watch Paul Goldschmidt hit a walk off home run while Jord and Chelsea went to get the car.
• I will remember times Jake took me to the driving range or putting green and having little competitions to see who could get their ball closer to the pin. I remember that sometimes those outings went longer than Jord liked but that I appreciated that Jake was willing to spend so much one on one time with me (although I am sure he wasn’t sad to bust out his driver or putter for some practice). Often times our excursions would end at the QT or some other gas station to get a treat that we would wash down with an ice cold Dr. Pepper.
• I will remember the time Jake lost the keys to the trailer at my wedding reception causing us to have to store tables and chairs at a remote location for the night. I will remember that later the next day he would find the lost keys, in the back left pocket of his pants.
• I will remember that out of the blue one day Jake wrote my wife Chelsea a letter in which he told her he was proud of her for working hard and going after her dreams. I really appreciated that he wrote her that heartfelt note. I think you can show someone you love him or her by loving those that they love. Jake’s letter to Chelsea did that for me.
• And most importantly I will remember the time I was sealed to my wife in the Los Angeles Temple. That will always be an extra sacred memory for me because my parents and all my siblings and their spouses were in the temple together that day.

With permission from my sister Jord I would like to share a few experiences with you all that she shared with us during a family meeting about 6 weeks ago while we were all together with Jake for the last time.

During the last months of his life Jake had trouble producing language so at our family meeting Jord spoke on his behalf. She told us that from day one of Jake’s diagnosis, he never complained, he was never upset, he never pitied himself, and he never blamed God.

I have marveled at this fact. We live in an ever-changing world filled with people who think that external forces rule their lives. They think that if things don’t go their way it is permissible for them gripe and complain and become bitter. They think that their circumstance causes them to act a certain way and they attempt to assign the accountability of their actions to a third party. Through his example Jake taught me this simple yet profound truth. He taught me that when life's hardest challenges come your way you still have a choice. A choice that is very polarizing. You can curse God or you can love Him. In cursing Him you have nothing but pain, emptiness, darkness, and unsurety. In loving him you will still have pain for a time but it will be soothed through peace and understanding only He can provide. In loving Him you can also obtain a sure knowledge that through his Son you can overcome life’s greatest challenges.

While imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp and after losing his wife there, Viktor E. Frankl later wrote a book entitled Man’s Search for Meaning. In that book he stated, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way.” During his darkest days Frankl concluded that no matter the external circumstance, internally he still had the ability to choose.

Along this same line in The Book of Mormon in 2 Nephi 2:27-28 we read, “27 Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

28 And now, my sons, I would that ye should look to the great Mediator, and hearken unto his great commandments; and be faithful unto his words, and choose eternal life, according to the will of his Holy Spirit.

Jake was a soft spoken and humble man. He was a man of little pretense. He was a man who didn’t muddle in empty words or statements. He lived life with intentional faithful actions. He truly was a “doer of the word” as stated in (James 1:22) and a believer that he was free to “act for himself and not be acted upon” as we read in (2 Nephi 2:26). He understood that despite his diagnosis he still had a choice.

Two months ago on the night the doctor walked into Jake’s hospital room to tell him that his tumor had multiplied and had entered his brain stem, rendering it inoperable, he was able to look my sister in the eyes and tell her that he lived life without any major regrets. He was able to tell her that he was proud of the life he lived. It is Jake’s choices that allowed him to state this with confidence. Choices he made long before his diagnosis. Choices to love God, to follow Him and His Son, and to rely on Christ’s Atonement. Choices to repent and choices to change in order to become a better person. Choices to serve others, a choice to go on a mission, a choice to be worthy of the temple and its blessings, a choice to take my sister there with him to be sealed for eternity. A choice to love his wife and kids and provide for them in every way possible. And ultimately a choice to continue to love God despite being diagnosed with brain cancer.

While cancer is what took Jake, death from cancer is not his final outcome. His final outcome is to be reunited with my sweet sister and their four beautiful children forever because that is what he chose. So when we struggle, when we encounter unfortunate circumstances, and especially in our darkest hours when we feel the weight of our own mortality on our shoulders, may we remember that like Jake, we have a choice. What a legacy his choices allowed him to leave with his wife Jordan, his children Lauren, Ellie, Ada, and Thomas, his family, and his friends.

At this same family meeting my sister Jord spoke to us about how she was caring for Jake as his body continued to fail him. She spoke of how even the simplest tasks were extremely difficult for him. She said that she wanted to be by his side and help him every minute of every day as long as she could. She said how ministering to Jake in his extreme time of need strengthened her bond with him and deepened their love for one another in a way that they had never experienced. My sister was by Jake’s side until his final breath, serving him, comforting him, and letting him know how much she loves him. I feel impressed that if Jake were here himself he would want you all to know how thankful he is to Jord for the service she rendered to him and how intensely he loves her.

In closing I would like to read a portion of my sister’s talk that she gave at Jake’s funeral services in Phoenix on Saturday. I think this ties into the lessons I learned from Jake and illustrates even further how he deliberately made choices to better himself, better those around him, and strengthen his relationship with God. In referencing the wheel divided into four parts that is pictured on your program today my sister said this, “Luke chapter 2 verse 52 is the only verse of scripture that speaks about the Savior’s life from the time that he was 12 years old until he started his mortal ministry at 30. To describe the intervening 18 years there is only one verse and it reads, “And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.”

Jesus Increased.  In Wisdom. In Stature.  In Favor with God.  In Favor with man.

While on Jake’s mission to Madrid, Spain, Harriet Uchtdorf, wife of apostle Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke about this scripture as a guide for living life. Her talk profoundly influenced Jake.

From this scripture he developed what he always called the “balancing wheel”- a tool for developing himself in four important aspects of life. The first is wisdom or intellectual, educational and career pursuits. The second is stature or physical fitness, nutrition, and caring for his body. The third is favor with man or developing and fostering relationships with family, friends, and those around him.  The fourth is favor with God or spiritual development, obedience to the commandments and nurturing his faith. Jake called these categories intellectual, physical, social and spiritual.”

She then concluded her talk by saying that she always told Jake that if she had known all along that this would be their future, she still would have married him. She said that nothing has brought her more joy than being his wife and having Lauren, Ellie, Ada and Tommy with him. And she said that there is nothing she wants more than to be his companion forever, bound through the sealing covenants they made in the temple. She said she is profoundly grateful for her husband who taught her how to live like Jesus and how she hopes to spend all of her days increasing until she becomes like both of them.

I want to echo the words of my sister and say that I too am profoundly grateful for Jake and the choices he made to follow God and the example of His son Jesus Christ, despite this most difficult hardship. His choices have greatly influenced my life. I share this with you all in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.