Over the summer I read another article in the newspaper that I liked a lot.
It was written after the separation of children from their parents at the Mexican border and commented that when a child is traumatized, the consistent presence of a stable and nurturing parent is the most important factor in how a child overcomes the trauma.
Hence why removing children from their caregivers is such a damaging thing.
But as I continued to read this article I was grateful to see how, for our children, many of the listed suggestions have really helped them work through the trauma of losing their father.
First, I feel profoundly grateful that I am still able to stay home and have as my full time job the care and nurture of our children. That is not something every widow can do and I recognize it as a great mercy from the Lord to me and to our children. Not only did our kids lose their father, but if I had had to start up with full time employment immediately after his death they would have in many respects lost their mother too.
Not everyone knows this, but the social security system is also a sort of "life insurance" system, where some of the taxes you pay go providing benefits to your widow or widower and dependent children upon your death. The introduction of the Survivors Benefits pamphlet states "The loss of a family wage earner can be devastating both emotionally and financially. Social security helps by providing income for the families of workers who die."
Everyone who has ever paid social security tax receives a statement of your approximate payout amounts. Part of that statement (which I had never even paid attention to until Jacob got sick) has a segment that says "If you died today, your dependents would receive $___ per month. Check it out. You and your spouse have a statement and it lists an amount.
Thankfully, since Jacob was the primary wage earner in our family his amount is substantially more than mine. For now that money enables me to stay home and care for our children, as though Jake were working full time bringing home a paycheck each month. There are many ways to be a stable and nurturing parent and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to care for our children and provide stability in their lives by being home with them.
Second, the article notes that "another way to help ramp down the biological response to stress is to quickly re-establish routines." This was something we learned even as Jake was sick and going through treatments. The more we could keep our kids lives consistent and routinized, even as his health was unpredictable and out of control, the more they were able to ride the wave of his illness while having security in their individual lives.
I was kind of fanatical once we moved to Utah to get routines established for our kids (and for me). Everything felt so new and scary and I really felt like creating some sort of predictable routine gave us a baseline of stability that helped us navigate so many new experiences and relationships. Routine is critical for all children, but especially those who have or who are experiencing major trauma in their lives. Having some things be predictable makes it easier to manage the things that cannot be controlled.
Finally, the article states that "once the primary relationship is strong and routines are established, the parent can help the child learn that there is nothing wrong with negative emotions like fear or anger, but that there are positive ways of dealing with them- such as immersing themselves in something they enjoy, such as drawing, reading, playing an instrument or taking part in a sport."
I can say that this is true too. I think some of our neighbors may think I am crazy for shuttling our kids to and fro for lessons and sports practices and games, but more than giving them something to do with their time I really feel like these activities have given our kids a positive outlet for their grief. Grieving takes great energy- it creates great energy- and that energy has to have somewhere to go. I would much rather have our daughter take that energy out on a soccer ball than on her siblings and I have seen how having positive outlets has really helped our kids process their feelings and have a release for their pain.
That said, I also know that our children's emotions will come out, manifest and take work for their entire lives. Many widows that I've spoken to say that their children grieve deeply again during their teenage years or even in college and just watching our kids for two years I can see that we are in it for the long haul. There will continue to be a great need need for conversation, counseling, routine, hobbies, sports and activities, meditation, prayer, building and maintaining a secure relationship with them, and relying on the help of the Savior to walk them through this experience.
Luckily they are some of my favorite humans ever and as long as we can work together, be on the same team, and rely on the merits of Him who is mighty to save, I have great hope that they will survive and maybe even thrive from this experience.
Friday, October 19
Friday, October 12
Jesus the Christ
I've got a few blog posts that I started over the last year and a half but never finished. Although they're not perfect and could use some more work, I want to clear my draft list and will be posting them in the next few days.
So from spring of 2018...
In preparation for my trip to Israel I decided to re-read the book Jesus the Christ by James E. Talmage.
I had read it once previously while on my mission to Venezuela and in this January started to read it again.
It is a very long (793 pages) and thought provoking book and I feel smarter just by being exposed to the language that Talmage uses. The footnotes were also fascinating and I read them at the end of every chapter.
To aid my memory I wanted to record some thoughts and things that impressed me as I read this volume about the Savior.
1. Jesus learned line upon line
In his discussion of the Savior's earthly life, Talmage states that "He came among men to experience all the natural conditions of mortality; He was born as a truly dependent, helpless babe as is any other child; His infancy was in all common features the infancy of others; His boyhood was actual boyhood, His development was as necessary and as real as that of all children. Over His mind had fallen the veil of forgetfulness common to all who are born to earth, by which the remembrance of primeval existence is shut off. His advancement was from one grace to another. He garnered knowledge by study and gained wisdom by prayer, thought and effort. Jesus was all that a boy should be, for His development was undeterred by the dragging weight of sin; He loved and obeyed truth and therefore was free." (p. 111-112)
I am sure that I read this chapter before, but for some reason it struck me deeply that Jesus grew up learning from grace to grace. It gave me comfort that though imperfect and sinful, I can also grow and learn incrementally. It is ok and actually by design that we ALL learn that way. He was a child who had to gain knowledge, skills and abilities. He did not come as a king, but rather through study and experience learned of His kingship and divine mission. He, like us, did not come knowing who He was. Jehovah, Creator of world, God of the Old Testament came as a baby and like all babies and children had to grow, develop and learn about His role and calling in this life.
This produced another thought. What was that like for Him to listen to or read in the scriptures and understand, little by little, who He was and what His divine mission was to be? How did it feel for Him to read the record and then have the overpowering realization that the prophecies of a deliverer, of a Messiah, of one to atone for the sins of mankind were ALL talking about Him? It is impossible for me to even contemplate. I am sure that this realization did not happen in one moment or instance, but rather that He was taught and led and instructed line upon line as to who He was, whose He was, and what He was sent here, at His own offering, to do.
2. Jesus was a Jew
I know this should be obvious, but I think that we sometimes forget that Christ was a Jew. He was born to a Jewish mother and taught and lived the law of Moses and went to synagogue and learned out of the Torah. Talmage states that "Christ had not come to destroy the law, but, as He affirmed at another time, to fulfill it." He came to fulfill the ends of the law that His nation had been observing for years and was truly the Messiah.
3. Before his death, Jesus' disciples did not always understand what He taught
Again, I think this should be obvious, but I did not realize that even the apostles who talked and talked with Christ could not always understand His teachings.
At a critical juncture- when the Savior talked about being the bread of life- that whosoever would eat of the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood. hath eternal life and be raised up at the last day- many of his disciples walked with Him no more. They could not accept Him as the literal Son of God and Savior of the world and fell away. Upon seeing this, Jesus even turned to his 12 apostles and seeing that they were unable to comprehend the meaning of his teachings and asked, "Will ye also go away?" He could even sense that those closest to Him could not understand his teachings and were troubled.
However, Peter's response to this question is SO encouraging. Even though he did not know, did not fully understand he responded "Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life." His answer has given me great hope that even as questions arise in my own life and situations occur that I do not understand, as long as I choose to stay with the Lord and rely on his word I will make it.
4. Even thought He was willing to suffer for us, Jesus was sorrowful and heavy as that time approached
I have heard much about what the Savior suffered and endured for us in Gethsemane and on the cross of Calvary. But reading Jesus the Christ gave me a newfound understanding of how painful it was for the Savior as he contemplated and grew closer to those excruciating events. Each approaching day must have been so long and difficult and agonizing. In my little experience I have had some very hard days and can only use them as a tiny template to imagine His feelings about his approaching battle and suffering.
As Talmage cites Jesus' experience in the final weeks of His life (chapters 31-33) I was struck by how heavy and sorrowful the Savior must have felt. As you read in the scriptures about His lament over Jerusalem, His denunciation of the scribes and pharisees, His final withdrawal from the temple, and His final teachings to the apostles you can tangibly feel how excruciating and heavy He was feeling as He contemplated what was still to come.
5. The apostasy was real
Chapter 40 about the apostasy was a fabulous read.
Really understanding that "the windows of heaven had been shut toward the world so as to preclude all direct revelation from God...and mankind had ceased to know God; and had invested the utterances of prophets and apostles of old, who had known Him, with a pall of mystery and fancy so that the True and the Living God was no longer believed to exist" is paramount to understanding the claim of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints- that God has again spoken to man on earth and that His gospel, including the ordinances and covenants of salvation, have been restored. If the truth was never lost in the first place we would not need a restoration so knowing what the apostasy is and how it has affected our world is critical to anyone hoping to gain a knowledge of God, as He really is, today.
6. The restoration was and is an incremental process
Finally, chapter 41 discusses the process of the restoration and how God brought back truths that had been lost for centuries. I was grateful to remember that all learning is incremental- for the Savior, for individual people, and for the church as a whole and that revelation comes line upon line. I am grateful to belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and for the revelation that is coming through a living prophet today. It has blessed my life immensely and is available for everybody on earth today.
So from spring of 2018...
In preparation for my trip to Israel I decided to re-read the book Jesus the Christ by James E. Talmage.
I had read it once previously while on my mission to Venezuela and in this January started to read it again.
It is a very long (793 pages) and thought provoking book and I feel smarter just by being exposed to the language that Talmage uses. The footnotes were also fascinating and I read them at the end of every chapter.
To aid my memory I wanted to record some thoughts and things that impressed me as I read this volume about the Savior.
1. Jesus learned line upon line
In his discussion of the Savior's earthly life, Talmage states that "He came among men to experience all the natural conditions of mortality; He was born as a truly dependent, helpless babe as is any other child; His infancy was in all common features the infancy of others; His boyhood was actual boyhood, His development was as necessary and as real as that of all children. Over His mind had fallen the veil of forgetfulness common to all who are born to earth, by which the remembrance of primeval existence is shut off. His advancement was from one grace to another. He garnered knowledge by study and gained wisdom by prayer, thought and effort. Jesus was all that a boy should be, for His development was undeterred by the dragging weight of sin; He loved and obeyed truth and therefore was free." (p. 111-112)
I am sure that I read this chapter before, but for some reason it struck me deeply that Jesus grew up learning from grace to grace. It gave me comfort that though imperfect and sinful, I can also grow and learn incrementally. It is ok and actually by design that we ALL learn that way. He was a child who had to gain knowledge, skills and abilities. He did not come as a king, but rather through study and experience learned of His kingship and divine mission. He, like us, did not come knowing who He was. Jehovah, Creator of world, God of the Old Testament came as a baby and like all babies and children had to grow, develop and learn about His role and calling in this life.
This produced another thought. What was that like for Him to listen to or read in the scriptures and understand, little by little, who He was and what His divine mission was to be? How did it feel for Him to read the record and then have the overpowering realization that the prophecies of a deliverer, of a Messiah, of one to atone for the sins of mankind were ALL talking about Him? It is impossible for me to even contemplate. I am sure that this realization did not happen in one moment or instance, but rather that He was taught and led and instructed line upon line as to who He was, whose He was, and what He was sent here, at His own offering, to do.
2. Jesus was a Jew
I know this should be obvious, but I think that we sometimes forget that Christ was a Jew. He was born to a Jewish mother and taught and lived the law of Moses and went to synagogue and learned out of the Torah. Talmage states that "Christ had not come to destroy the law, but, as He affirmed at another time, to fulfill it." He came to fulfill the ends of the law that His nation had been observing for years and was truly the Messiah.
3. Before his death, Jesus' disciples did not always understand what He taught
Again, I think this should be obvious, but I did not realize that even the apostles who talked and talked with Christ could not always understand His teachings.
At a critical juncture- when the Savior talked about being the bread of life- that whosoever would eat of the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood. hath eternal life and be raised up at the last day- many of his disciples walked with Him no more. They could not accept Him as the literal Son of God and Savior of the world and fell away. Upon seeing this, Jesus even turned to his 12 apostles and seeing that they were unable to comprehend the meaning of his teachings and asked, "Will ye also go away?" He could even sense that those closest to Him could not understand his teachings and were troubled.
However, Peter's response to this question is SO encouraging. Even though he did not know, did not fully understand he responded "Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life." His answer has given me great hope that even as questions arise in my own life and situations occur that I do not understand, as long as I choose to stay with the Lord and rely on his word I will make it.
4. Even thought He was willing to suffer for us, Jesus was sorrowful and heavy as that time approached
I have heard much about what the Savior suffered and endured for us in Gethsemane and on the cross of Calvary. But reading Jesus the Christ gave me a newfound understanding of how painful it was for the Savior as he contemplated and grew closer to those excruciating events. Each approaching day must have been so long and difficult and agonizing. In my little experience I have had some very hard days and can only use them as a tiny template to imagine His feelings about his approaching battle and suffering.
As Talmage cites Jesus' experience in the final weeks of His life (chapters 31-33) I was struck by how heavy and sorrowful the Savior must have felt. As you read in the scriptures about His lament over Jerusalem, His denunciation of the scribes and pharisees, His final withdrawal from the temple, and His final teachings to the apostles you can tangibly feel how excruciating and heavy He was feeling as He contemplated what was still to come.
5. The apostasy was real
Chapter 40 about the apostasy was a fabulous read.
Really understanding that "the windows of heaven had been shut toward the world so as to preclude all direct revelation from God...and mankind had ceased to know God; and had invested the utterances of prophets and apostles of old, who had known Him, with a pall of mystery and fancy so that the True and the Living God was no longer believed to exist" is paramount to understanding the claim of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints- that God has again spoken to man on earth and that His gospel, including the ordinances and covenants of salvation, have been restored. If the truth was never lost in the first place we would not need a restoration so knowing what the apostasy is and how it has affected our world is critical to anyone hoping to gain a knowledge of God, as He really is, today.
6. The restoration was and is an incremental process
Finally, chapter 41 discusses the process of the restoration and how God brought back truths that had been lost for centuries. I was grateful to remember that all learning is incremental- for the Savior, for individual people, and for the church as a whole and that revelation comes line upon line. I am grateful to belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and for the revelation that is coming through a living prophet today. It has blessed my life immensely and is available for everybody on earth today.
Wednesday, October 10
I spoke too soon
I am learning about the nature of pain.
Like any normal person, I think in my pre-great hardship life I honestly did almost anything in my power to avoid pain. Or to distract myself from it. Or to ignore it or shut it down.
Then I was introduced to pain of a completely different magnitude.
The kind that you cannot stop, cannot deny, cannot escape. The kind that you must traverse.
I can say that my experience with pain is a learning process and I am definitely still in the middle of the experiment.
It is too unrealistic to think that I will escape special/holiday/celebratory days pain free.
Sometimes the pain comes in anticipation of the event. Sometimes it comes after everything is over and the dust has settled. And other times it occurs right smack in the special event itself. The irony is that you can never know when it will hit, you cannot control it nor predict it and every time it catches you off guard and hurts all the same.
I had a few painful days several days after my birthday. I was sad and again felt for the loss of Jake's physical presence in our lives and missed so very much the ability to communicate with him.
I can say that as you go through the grieving process the pain becomes more manageable. I assume it is like any great wound. At first it is acute, open, raw and gnawing. But as time passes and it slowly starts to heal the festering nature of the wound lessens and it just becomes a dull ache. However, the wound can be reopened and the healing scratched off and the injury revealed anew. And even when a wound is totally healed, if bumped or scratched or torn it can send a sharp pain throughout your body forcing you to remember that it is there. And no matter how much time goes by or how much it is healed a deep wound will always leave a scar.
I reread this post I wrote in a dark time after Jake's death. That was a terrible time and those feelings were raw and consuming. Thankfully I do not feel that heavy, all the time, anymore. I am so grateful to the Savior for the relief from that absolute pain. But the painful feelings definitely come back, in varying intensities and may for many years to come.
The thing I've learned about pain is that it is real. It comes and it hurts and you have to go through it.
I've recently been reading more in the Old Testament and have been comforted by many verses there.
I've loved the books of Ecclesiastes and Job and appreciate the feeling- the depth of pain, sorrow and grief- evident in their words and experiences. I would recommend a reading of them to you, especially if you are experiencing pain right now. They helped me feel like I wasn't alone- like someone understands and like I am not the first person on earth to feel these huge, heavy and sorrowful feelings.
The writer of Ecclesiastes (assumed to be Kind Solomon) feels so sad. His questions- asking why is there nothing new, why does nothing satisfy, commenting that all is vanity and chasing after wind exhibit real human emotion and experience when confronted with the stuff of life. He asks if the increase in wisdom and knowledge also bring an increase in sorrow and I would say yes in some ways. The more we experience and learn the greater our capacity to feel both good and bad emotions. We cannot pick up one end of the stick without picking up the other.
And Job.
Dear, wonderful, honest Job.
I had read chapters or verses but never the whole book and the thing I appreciated most was his authentic lamentation over his situation in life. He wished he had not been born so that could have been spared so much pain, he saw no value in his life, he felt like God was against his nature and he loathed living. If you are in a state where you can relate to his feelings you'll find good company in his book.
There are many parts to the story of Job, but the thing that interested me most were the last few chapters. You must read chapters 38-42. After Job has had chapter after chapter to bemoan his lot in life and complain about his station God finally speaks to answer Him. I will quote some verses here because no one can say it better than God himself:
In chapter 38 the Lord answers Job out of the whirlwind and says:
"Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge? Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me."
Job had been lamenting and clamoring to the Lord for a very long time and finally He came to answer him. But the Lord's reply is not apologetic. Instead, it seems as though God has come to the battle, He will meet Job on the field of his complaints and He hopes Job is man enough to take it.
Then for the rest of chapter 38, chapter 39, chapter 40 and chapter 41 the Lord proceeds to ask Job where he has been as for eons God has been acting as God- laying the foundation of the earth, shutting up the sea by dry ground, preparing the snow and the hail in their season, managing the clouds to bring forth rain, giving the animals their strength, abasing the proud, creating and managing the fiercest animal on the planet. Where was Job in all of this? What contribution did he make? Where was his power to conduct God's business? Does Job want to be God?
The answer Job gives, to me, is the climax of the story. Upon seeing and hearing of God's power and greatness and glory, Job is humbled to the dust. Job exclaims in chapter 42, that he now knows that God is God and that all of his former utterances were of things he understood not. Then Job- the guy who lost everything and didn't do anything wrong and was righteous and still loves God- repents in dust and ashes. He repents of wanting to change his lot in life and manage his own situation. He decides that he is ok to let God be God.
I love the scriptures.
I love what they teach me about the Lord, his plan and how he works with his people.
And I love that the Lord is willing to work with me, human as I am, giving me chance after chance after chance to learn to let Him be God in my life.
Like any normal person, I think in my pre-great hardship life I honestly did almost anything in my power to avoid pain. Or to distract myself from it. Or to ignore it or shut it down.
Then I was introduced to pain of a completely different magnitude.
The kind that you cannot stop, cannot deny, cannot escape. The kind that you must traverse.
I can say that my experience with pain is a learning process and I am definitely still in the middle of the experiment.
It is too unrealistic to think that I will escape special/holiday/celebratory days pain free.
Sometimes the pain comes in anticipation of the event. Sometimes it comes after everything is over and the dust has settled. And other times it occurs right smack in the special event itself. The irony is that you can never know when it will hit, you cannot control it nor predict it and every time it catches you off guard and hurts all the same.
I had a few painful days several days after my birthday. I was sad and again felt for the loss of Jake's physical presence in our lives and missed so very much the ability to communicate with him.
I can say that as you go through the grieving process the pain becomes more manageable. I assume it is like any great wound. At first it is acute, open, raw and gnawing. But as time passes and it slowly starts to heal the festering nature of the wound lessens and it just becomes a dull ache. However, the wound can be reopened and the healing scratched off and the injury revealed anew. And even when a wound is totally healed, if bumped or scratched or torn it can send a sharp pain throughout your body forcing you to remember that it is there. And no matter how much time goes by or how much it is healed a deep wound will always leave a scar.
I reread this post I wrote in a dark time after Jake's death. That was a terrible time and those feelings were raw and consuming. Thankfully I do not feel that heavy, all the time, anymore. I am so grateful to the Savior for the relief from that absolute pain. But the painful feelings definitely come back, in varying intensities and may for many years to come.
The thing I've learned about pain is that it is real. It comes and it hurts and you have to go through it.
I've recently been reading more in the Old Testament and have been comforted by many verses there.
I've loved the books of Ecclesiastes and Job and appreciate the feeling- the depth of pain, sorrow and grief- evident in their words and experiences. I would recommend a reading of them to you, especially if you are experiencing pain right now. They helped me feel like I wasn't alone- like someone understands and like I am not the first person on earth to feel these huge, heavy and sorrowful feelings.
The writer of Ecclesiastes (assumed to be Kind Solomon) feels so sad. His questions- asking why is there nothing new, why does nothing satisfy, commenting that all is vanity and chasing after wind exhibit real human emotion and experience when confronted with the stuff of life. He asks if the increase in wisdom and knowledge also bring an increase in sorrow and I would say yes in some ways. The more we experience and learn the greater our capacity to feel both good and bad emotions. We cannot pick up one end of the stick without picking up the other.
And Job.
Dear, wonderful, honest Job.
I had read chapters or verses but never the whole book and the thing I appreciated most was his authentic lamentation over his situation in life. He wished he had not been born so that could have been spared so much pain, he saw no value in his life, he felt like God was against his nature and he loathed living. If you are in a state where you can relate to his feelings you'll find good company in his book.
There are many parts to the story of Job, but the thing that interested me most were the last few chapters. You must read chapters 38-42. After Job has had chapter after chapter to bemoan his lot in life and complain about his station God finally speaks to answer Him. I will quote some verses here because no one can say it better than God himself:
In chapter 38 the Lord answers Job out of the whirlwind and says:
"Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge? Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me."
Job had been lamenting and clamoring to the Lord for a very long time and finally He came to answer him. But the Lord's reply is not apologetic. Instead, it seems as though God has come to the battle, He will meet Job on the field of his complaints and He hopes Job is man enough to take it.
Then for the rest of chapter 38, chapter 39, chapter 40 and chapter 41 the Lord proceeds to ask Job where he has been as for eons God has been acting as God- laying the foundation of the earth, shutting up the sea by dry ground, preparing the snow and the hail in their season, managing the clouds to bring forth rain, giving the animals their strength, abasing the proud, creating and managing the fiercest animal on the planet. Where was Job in all of this? What contribution did he make? Where was his power to conduct God's business? Does Job want to be God?
The answer Job gives, to me, is the climax of the story. Upon seeing and hearing of God's power and greatness and glory, Job is humbled to the dust. Job exclaims in chapter 42, that he now knows that God is God and that all of his former utterances were of things he understood not. Then Job- the guy who lost everything and didn't do anything wrong and was righteous and still loves God- repents in dust and ashes. He repents of wanting to change his lot in life and manage his own situation. He decides that he is ok to let God be God.
I love the scriptures.
I love what they teach me about the Lord, his plan and how he works with his people.
And I love that the Lord is willing to work with me, human as I am, giving me chance after chance after chance to learn to let Him be God in my life.
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