I'll get to Christmas...

but for some reason it is just not coming yet. We had a great holiday and took some fun pictures that I want to share.

I feel like there are things I need to say, but I really don't know what.

This week has been hard for me. I think for a confluence of reasons- hormones, reliving scary events from a year ago, ward boundary changes, upcoming MRI appointment, fatigue.

I've spent a few days in the dumps.

I can say that being here for a day or two makes me realize how often I am not here, in the bad place, feeling low. For 80-90 percent of my days I am happy, optimistic, productive, hopeful, grateful.

So thankfully these kind of days are more rare.

But they still occur.

And do you know who best pulls me out, lifts me up, and brings me comfort on these kind of days?

Jake.

I get teary eyed just thinking about him. He is my rock, my go to, my confidant, my comforter.

I called him at work yesterday and told him that I was feeling low. Just hearing his voice and the tenderness with which he spoke to me started to heal my heart.

He took me in his arms when he came home from work and his embrace offered strength, understanding, healing.

Jake is the one {earthly} person who gets what I am going through. Who can understand what I am feeling, the thoughts I battle with, the fears in my heart.

I feel selfish sometimes. He is the one with the disease. I should be taking care of him. But then I remember that we are part of a covenant marriage relationship. Jake. Me. God.

We have committed to care for, serve, lift, encourage, build, trust, support, and love each other. And even and especially when facing cancer we rely on those covenants to strengthen, lift and support us.

When we were newlyweds, I remember my father in law telling me that we would find strength in our marriage that would lift us above anything either Jake or I could offer on our own.

I am learning the truth of that statement.

Marriage is a bedrock for two individuals to lean on for support. It is a bedrock that is build stone by stone, year after year as two individuals keep covenants with each other and with God. It is imperceptibly forged through seemingly mundane days and weeks until it becomes a bulwark of strength and a fortress of protection.

I believe in marriage and I believe in keeping covenants.

And I am grateful to be married to a man who believes in them too.

I love Jake. More than I could ever hope to express. I hate that we are on this road, but I rejoice that we are on it together.

There are angels in our midst

One year ago Jacob called me from work on a Friday afternoon.

He had experienced a feeling of faintness followed by numbness in his right hand that was very unsettling to him and he wanted me to come and get him from work. 

I got the girls from school, and then we headed downtown to pick him up. He explained what he was feeling and continued to experience the strangeness of it for the next few hours. He knew he needed to seek medical help so he drove to the urgent care across the street. 

They feared that he was having a stroke and advised us to go to the emergency department of a hospital with a neurology department. The Mayo Clinic was the closest to our house so I met him at urgent care and we drove over there. 

They dismissed his symptoms for a stroke, but admitted him to the emergency room to do further testing. During the next few hours his symptoms abated and we watched the Mitt Romney documentary and prepared to be discharged. 

But the emergency room doctor wanted to run an MRI on Jacob's head, just in case. 

And that MRI revealed an abnormality in his brain. 

I don't want to relive the hell we experienced that night, but to say that it was the darkest day of our lives.

The next few weeks we lived in fear and dread as we waited for a biopsy that would confirm his diagnosis of Gliablastoma multiforme, or GBM, a grade 4 brain cancer. 

These events are still raw in my heart and although the edges of remembrance have dulled, calling back these memories still wracks my soul.

Instead, today I wanted to write about and remember the people who were at the forefront of coming to our rescue. The individuals who, without question or hesitation came to us in our hour of need. 

Our dear next door neighbor Teresa was the first one to come over and stay with our girls and our 10 week old baby as we made our way to the emergency room. She came at a moments notice and stayed for hours taking care of our children. 

I called one of my best friends Jenn while we were in the hospital and she immediately volunteered to relieve our neighbor and stay into the late hours of the night with our children. She was here when I came back to nurse Tommy and was the first person I cried to as I grappled with the news of a growth in Jacob's brain. 

We called our parents in the wee hours of the night to inform them of our situation, and then later, around 2 am, when we knew Jacob would be admitted and undergoing further testing we called again asking them to come down. My mom and Jacob's parents bought tickets immediately and were on the plane at 7:30 am to come to us. Just knowing that they were en route and having them sit with us and care for our children through those terrible hours brought peace and comfort that sustained us. We could not have gone through it without our parents by our side.

Near 5:00 am I called three of the members of our ward who have become like family to us. Art and our bishop came within the hour to visit with me, hear of my concerns, and give me a blessing. Then they went to the hospital to sit with Jake, who had been alone and in despair for several hours after I left him at the hospital to attend to our children. They sat with him, talked with him, blessed him, and brought a measure of comfort to him that he desperately needed.

Sharon, my mentor and dear friend, came immediately to our home and held our baby as I got things ready to go back and spend the day at the hospital. Then she stayed through the morning with our girls, caring for them and comforting them as they were concerned with our sudden departure and the fact that their daddy was still in the hospital.

I sit here weeping as I write about these individuals who were there for me, Jacob, and our children. I will love each one of them until the day I die. They are angels on earth who came to our rescue.

I testify of angels, whether seen or unseen, whose purpose is to minister, help, and comfort us in our time of need. Last year on January 24 and 25 we were sustained by the help of these angelic individuals who acted as emissaries of our Father in Heaven.

I know that there are angels in our midst.