but for some reason it is just not coming yet. We had a great holiday and took some fun pictures that I want to share.
I feel like there are things I need to say, but I really don't know what.
This week has been hard for me. I think for a confluence of reasons- hormones, reliving scary events from a year ago, ward boundary changes, upcoming MRI appointment, fatigue.
I've spent a few days in the dumps.
I can say that being here for a day or two makes me realize how often I am not here, in the bad place, feeling low. For 80-90 percent of my days I am happy, optimistic, productive, hopeful, grateful.
So thankfully these kind of days are more rare.
But they still occur.
And do you know who best pulls me out, lifts me up, and brings me comfort on these kind of days?
Jake.
I get teary eyed just thinking about him. He is my rock, my go to, my confidant, my comforter.
I called him at work yesterday and told him that I was feeling low. Just hearing his voice and the tenderness with which he spoke to me started to heal my heart.
He took me in his arms when he came home from work and his embrace offered strength, understanding, healing.
Jake is the one {earthly} person who gets what I am going through. Who can understand what I am feeling, the thoughts I battle with, the fears in my heart.
I feel selfish sometimes. He is the one with the disease. I should be taking care of him. But then I remember that we are part of a covenant marriage relationship. Jake. Me. God.
We have committed to care for, serve, lift, encourage, build, trust, support, and love each other. And even and especially when facing cancer we rely on those covenants to strengthen, lift and support us.
When we were newlyweds, I remember my father in law telling me that we would find strength in our marriage that would lift us above anything either Jake or I could offer on our own.
I am learning the truth of that statement.
Marriage is a bedrock for two individuals to lean on for support. It is a bedrock that is build stone by stone, year after year as two individuals keep covenants with each other and with God. It is imperceptibly forged through seemingly mundane days and weeks until it becomes a bulwark of strength and a fortress of protection.
I believe in marriage and I believe in keeping covenants.
And I am grateful to be married to a man who believes in them too.
I love Jake. More than I could ever hope to express. I hate that we are on this road, but I rejoice that we are on it together.
3 comments:
Jord- this is the sweetest, most tender and loving thing I've read in a long time! You are so brave to share your deep, inner most feelings, and I, for one, am better for it. Thanks for being so open and letting us have a peek inside what the rest of us can only imagine and hope to never experience. You and Jake are always in my prayers. Love you!
Thanks, Jord, for such a sweet post. You are a dear wife, totally committed to an eternal marriage and companion. You and Jake are on a course to be together forever, and you deserve each other - completely,without compromise, and worlds without end
I am grateful you guys have each other. My heart aches for all the tough days you have to endure, but grateful that you have each other to draw strength from. Likewise, I draw strength from both of you and your goodness and faith in this struggle.
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