Dating

Let me preface this one by saying that during Jake's illness I read a blog written by Kara T*ppets called Mundane Fa*thfulness. It was such a help to me through those years as her cancer journey was a year ahead of Jake's and I could read about how she and her husband Jason were navigating their trial with so much faith in Christ. 

After Kara died there were a few posts from her husband. I remember one was about when he felt it was time to take off his wedding ring. Another was about dating. And then many months later there was news of his remarriage. 

I often wondered about the backstory and how he got there. I was in his shoes- the spouse left behind- and I was so curious to know what the process was like for him and how he was able to love someone again. 

And so while this is a pretty personal topic to write about I have always believed that if anything I write here can be of use to someone else who is on this journey then I want to share it so that it can bless them and give context as they navigate through their own experience. 

At the beginning of March I decided that it was time for me to go on a date.

"What???" you say. "At the beginning of a worldwide pandemic?!?!?"

"Why yes of course, what better time could there be???" I respond. 

Ha! This, as you know, has been a long time in coming. Jake passed away 4 years ago and I had no interest or even ability to think about dating for a very long time. People had kindly made offers of individuals they knew that I could go out with but my heart could not even take in the thought. In the first year the idea of dating made me literally feel sick inside and like I wanted to vomit. Later it just became scary as I heard about experiences friends were having and that I wanted to avoid. 

In 2018 I broke my left arm playing capture the flag and had to wear a hard cast for 6 weeks. Up until the break I was still wearing my wedding ring but took it off as my fingers started to swell and did not wear it when I had my cast. And once the cast came off I knew that my ring would not go on again. It was time. That was hard and I cried but it also helped me accept the reality- that Jake was dead and that I was not married anymore. 

Then more recently, especially through 2019, my mind and heart started to open up to the idea of companionship again. I recently reread my journal from 2019 and was shocked by how many entries make it clear that I was starting to think about the possibility of having someone new in my life.   I also had many experiences that slowly, line upon line, led me to realize that I was ready to open up my heart and that I was truly healing from my grief. 

And so at the beginning of March I knew it was time and I went on a date. And it was totally fine. All of the fears and horrors I had heard about or imagined did not happen. In fact it was really nice and I enjoyed it. And I have continued to go on dates since that time. While it hasn't made the most sense to start dating during Covid,  I also see that opening the door to another relationship has renewed my hope for the future and made the possible trajectory for the rest of my life seem much more interesting. 

There are several things that I did want to share that have been unexpected but useful for me to learn. 

First, opening the door to dating after it had been so hard shut was a big change for my kids. Huge. It has taken a lot of time for them to sit with it and it evoked feelings that we have needed to talk and cry and work through. My dating is a family experience as their lives are equally affected. I have been grateful that as we did after Jacob's death, we are working through the experience together. I am sure there are still hard times to come, but letting my children express and work through their own feelings about this has been a necessary step in the process.

Second, opening the door to dating has evoked a new type of grief I had not yet experienced. I have missed Jake for years and yearned for his presence, but dating other men has made me realize to a new level that I will never get him back in this lifetime. That even as I have relationships that provide companionship again they will be different from what I had in my marriage to Jake. And so there has been some grieving, again, for the loss of the life that we shared together and for the easy and comfortable way our relationship worked. I have also grieved just having my person who knew me completely and loved me in spite of myself. 

Third, opening the door to dating takes courage. Like a ton of it. And sometimes I have had to ask myself if I've got what it takes. You have to basically lay all of your vulnerable inadequacies out there and hope that you won't get trampled. I am finding that it does help to take a huge bucket of humor along for the ride and appreciate those who, in the dating pool, can also acknowledge that this is the last place any of us wanted to be but here we are so we had better start swimming. That or sit to the side. Or drown. You really don't have many options. 

Finally, opening the door to dating takes time. And the timing for each person is so individual. There was a season when I could not have gone out for the life of me. I was so dead inside and my world was shattered. But slowly healing has come and I have gone from feeling dead, to feeling alive, to wanting to live again and part of that process, for me, has been to open up to the idea of dating and remarriage. 

I know this looks different for everyone. Some people are hurting so much dating immediately seems like a nice way out of the pain. Some people cannot even fathom having a new relationship with someone other than their deceased spouse. And everything in between. There is also a fair amount of work that must be done after your family fundamentally changes. Kids need to be settled and reassured. The surviving spouse needs to find their new normal and work through the pain and associated grief.  And that work is a consecrated effort that takes time and energy and effort and sacrifice. For me, that work took nearly four years to get to where I knew I was in a place to be open to the possibility of a new relationship. The only thing I can say is that I think you know when you are ready because you know it. You just know. 

And so my friends, welcome to the middle aged LDS dating rodeo. Full of twists and turns and bumps and jolts, all of which will helpfully produce the necessary growth and experience in me to develop perseverance. Which, as James encourages, "Consider it pure joy, my [sisters], whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Brush strokes

Sometimes I especially feel and recognize my mortality. 

All the things I cannot do. All the things I have done wrong. All the ways that I fall short. 

My kids went back to school last week (they will go in person for two days and do online for the other 3 days) and in that process of preparing them and finishing up the summer I kind of bottomed out. 

This has happened at the end of every summer and you think I would have been able to anticipate it or figure it out by now. But alas, as a mortal I am resigned to repeat my mistakes and found myself again surprised that things had gotten out of balance and that I had distanced myself from the Lord.

That is an interesting idea. Feeling distant from the Lord. I am a person who prays and reads scriptures every day and goes to church each week and although I was doing that over the summer I still created distance between me and God because it was not always sincere. It became more rote and habitual rather than humble and intentional. And the distance was real.

I was talking to a friend this weekend who described it in such a beautiful way. She said that she has learned that she needs DAILY brushstrokes with the Holy Ghost. Where she puts herself in a place to feel the Spirit and to hear the things that the Lord wants to communicate to her. She described it like feeling a feather run across your arm- it is almost imperceptible it is so light but that the effort of seeking that connection every day is what, like a painting coming together one brush stroke at a time, produces a masterpiece in the end. A painting that is whole and complete and in which every brush stroke combines to make something beautiful. Her analogy is that we are the canvas and need those strokes with the Spirit to make of us what God intends that we become. But we have to choose to do the things that help us feel the Spirit and that help us feel close to Him. 

I looked up a post I wrote a few years ago about Peace. In it I state that my desire was to write those things down for my own reference for later on when, inevitably, I would fall off the cliff and need to remember how to get back up again. 

I was there last week and so needed to take my own advice. To feel peace again. 

So gratefully, as has also happened at the end of every summer I have been able to come to my senses. Through the help of loving friends and family members I could talk out my feelings and in that process realize that all I wanted- all I really needed- was to feel the peace that comes from God. The peace that passeth understanding. All of the anxiety and stress and fatigue and worry did not need to trouble me anymore if I could just feel of His peace.

And that has been the miracle. Beginning last Sunday through today I have been blessed with daily experiences where I have felt of God's love. Where I have reconnected with Him. Where through conversations or messages or scriptures or feelings peace has come as a great gift to my mind and heart. Overwhelming peace. 

I want Jesus the most. I need Him the most. I cannot survive without His assurance and help. And when I do the things that help me feel connected to Him, especially sincerely and with real intent, His mercy overflows and pours down upon me. As President Nelson stated, "When sore trials come upon us, it's time to deepen our faith in God, to work hard, and to serve others. Then He will heal our broken hearts. He will bestow upon us personal peace and comfort." I know that He does this because it has been my own experience over and over and over again. 

A friend shared this amazing song with me last week and I have listened to it probably 50 times already. It is so reassuring and encouraging and true for ALL of us. Come to the table really is His invitation. Take your place beside the Savior. Sit down and be set free. Come to the table. 

Answers in the Scriptures

Hi friends! Summer is almost over and I can't believe it. We have had such a good summer and I have been so grateful for everyone who has helped and shared with us to make it so. It will be good to get back into some sort of routine and schedule but these summer days sure have been relaxing. 

We have started meeting in small groups at church again and I was invited to give a talk this last Sunday. Since this blog is a repository for all of my church talks I figured I might as well post it. As usually happens when preparing a talk, I was the one who benefitted the most and was grateful to remember, again, how often the scriptures have been a resource for me to receive answers and strength from the Lord.

I am very grateful to be with you today. I have missed worshiping together with other saints and feeling the spirit that comes as we gather in the name of the Lord and therefore appreciate having this opportunity, even if it is different than normal, to share with you. 

These are interesting times. Last month I was talking to my grandma who is now almost 91 years old. She lived during WWII and told me that the effects of this pandemic and social isolation have been harder for her than living through a world war. These last months have not been easy for any of us and often we have been left wondering “What do we do?” “How do we move forward?” “What is the best path for me, for my family, for my community?” 

And it can sometimes feel like there are no answers. That our questions go unheeded and unheard. That we are left alone wandering through the wilderness. 

But it does not need to feel this way. We have a resource and a recourse that can give us clarity, that can provide direction, that can help us find purpose and guide each of us- as individuals and as families- in knowing what to do. 

This source can tell us all things that we should do. ALL THINGS! 

So what is it???  What is this amazing source of direction and help and knowledge??? 

It is the scriptures.

The word of God.

Nephi exhorted us to “feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” 

We can know what to do in all things- ALL THINGS- from reading, using and feasting on the scriptures. 

But you may be thinking “come on, really? Really? The scriptures can tell me what to do about how to live during a pandemic? How to help my child who is struggling? What to do with a group of friends that is hard to get along with? How to handle my feelings of doubt and fear? What to do when I feel like the Holy Ghost speaks to everyone but me?” And on and on and on and on. 

Take a minute right now. Think about a question you have or a doubt you are facing or a troubling life situation you do not know how to handle. What is concerning you? 

I want to share three experiences with you where I received critical guidance and help from the scriptures at times where I did not know what to do and hope that these will illustrate how the words and stories of the scriptures really can give us direction in our own lives.

1- I served as a missionary in Venezuela and loved my experience there. Close to the end of my mission it was time to decide when I would come home. At that time (and maybe still today) because of the way an 18 month girl mission fell over the 6 week transfer schedule there was a time gap for sisters coming home. To keep with the transfer schedule you could either come home at an earlier date which meant you would technically serve 3 weeks shy of a full 18 months or you could come home at a later date which would mean you technically serve 3 additional weeks over an 18 month mission. I know that 3 weeks either way does not sound like much, but at the time it weighed heavily on my mind and heart. I loved my mission and didn’t want to “stop early” or feel like I was failing the Lord. The early date would also put me home in the middle of July, with no job and really nothing to do until college started at the end of August. I could realistically stay until the later date and still have two weeks to be home and prepare to start back up at BYU. I had mission friends who were deciding to stay and some who were leaving earlier and I was completely torn. I had prayed and prayed about it for weeks and even asked my zone leader for a blessing as I was having such a hard time deciding. And still nothing came and I did not know what to do. 

As a missionary you study the scriptures daily and it was part of my usual routine. So one day as this decision was still weighing on my mind I was reading the Book of Mormon, in Mosiah chapter 7. This is the story of Ammon (not the missionary) and 16 strong men who went up to the land of Lehi-Nephi to find out about the group of people who had left Zarahemla to inherit that land. As they arrived they were taken and bound by King Limhi, who, along with his people, was in bondage to the Nephites. However, once he discovered that Ammon and his brethren were Nephites from the land of Zarahemla he immediately loosed their bands. And in verse 16 it says “King Limhi commanded his guards that they should bring their brethren into the city, that thereby they might eat and drink and rest themselves from the labors of their journey; for they had suffered many things; they had suffered hunger, and thirst, and fatigue.” 

I remember such a powerful feeling entering my mind and heart as I read those words and I knew in an instant the answer to my concern- I could go home at the earlier date and have time to eat and drink and rest myself from the labors of my mission. I felt completely assured that the Lord knew my heart and had seen my efforts as a missionary and wanted me to choose to go home at the earlier date to have time to rest and recover from my labors. And so I had my answer. I let the office know and never questioned the decision again. I had total peace and assurance that came from reading the scriptures. Little did I know that in those extra weeks at home I would also have time to spend dating Jacob Robertson and eventually take steps towards marriage before we were both at different universities that fall. The Lord was aware though and provided for me in every particular. 

2- Now fast forward 14 years. Jake had been fighting brain cancer for over 2 years and during his last hospital procedure we received the news that the cancer had spread all over his brain and that there were no more treatment options to pursue. Jake was going to die. Even though I knew this day would eventually come, I was devastated and at a complete loss in knowing what to do. I had no experience with hospice care or death and was uncertain about what would happen and how we would get through it. I didn’t know how to help him and do the care that would be required as his body was failing.  A few weeks before this I had finished the Book of Mormon and decided to read the New Testament. 

So shortly after we came home with the bad news and were meeting with the hospice workers to make decisions about Jake’s care in his final weeks of life, I was reading in Matthew chapter 26. In verses 1 and 2 Jesus talks to his disciples and tells them that after the feast of passover he will be betrayed and he will be crucified. He knew that it was coming and that his death was near. And I felt assured that He also knew my dread of anticipating Jake’s forthcoming death. Then the answer of what to do to care for him as he was dying came in verses 6-13. These verses share about how Jesus was with his disciples in Bethany at the home of Simon the leper. And there came a woman with an alabaster box of precious ointment. She poured it on Jesus’ head and when the disciples saw it they were angry and said they could have instead sold it for money to give to the poor rather than have it wasted. But when Jesus heard them he said, “Why trouble ye the woman? For she hath wrought a good work upon me. For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always. For in that she hath poured this ointment on my body, she did it for my burial. Verily I say unto you; wheresoever this gospel shall be preached in the whole world, there shall also this, that this woman hath done, be told for a memorial of her.”

I had a profound confirming witness reading the story of the woman that this was what the Lord wanted me to do as well- to love and care for my husband’s failing body and to consider it a privilege to minister to him for as long as he was still with me. That scripture totally changed my approach to Jake’s physical decline. Those months of caring for him as he was dying were some of the most sacred of my life as I was able to serve him in such a vulnerable time of need and see him through to the end of his days. The scriptures provided a guide to help me handle a situation that I felt totally unprepared to handle and made a very trying experience incredibly sacred and profound. 

3- Just a few weeks ago as I was reading the Come Follow Me assignment I had this thought- “I wonder what the Lord has for me to learn through Covid and these last months?” Then I opened to Alma 32 and read verse 12 which says “I say unto you, it is well that ye are cast out of your synagogues, that ye may be humble, and that ye may learn wisdom; for it is necessary that ye should learn wisdom; for it is because that ye are cast out that ye are despised of your brethren because of your exceeding poverty, that ye are brought to a lowliness of heart; for ye are necessarily brought to be humble.” The idea that leapt out to me was humility.

In that verse Alma glories that the people’s hardships had compelled them to be humble - that they may be wise - and learn wisdom and be brought to a lowliness of heart. They knew that they needed God. That they depended on Him for all that they had and were. 

And as I read this scripture I felt instantly that this was the lesson the Lord wanted me to learn during Covid. To remember how much I depend on Him for my support. For my protection. For a defense and a refuge from the storm. In the preceding months I think I slowly started to think that I could do it alone. That I could handle it. But after reading the scriptures I was gratefully reminded that the Savior really does want me to turn to Him and let him shoulder and carry my burdens. 

In talking to his son Heleman, Alma states three things that the scriptures can do in our lives. They can enlarge our spiritual memory, they can convince us of the error of our ways, and they can bring us to a knowledge of our God unto the salvation of our souls. 

This is the promise and the blessing of regularly reading the scriptures. We may not get answers every time we read or have a profound spiritual experience in every scripture study. But the act of consistently being in the word of God, at critical points in our lives when we need help in knowing what to do, will give us the answers to the questions we seek.

I know this is real. The scriptures have been a source of guidance to me for as long as I can remember. God has spoken to my mind and heart through the words ancient prophets and given me answers at times when, on my own, I did not know what to do.

He can and will do that for you. Read His word and let the reality of His love permeate your life and give you hope and strength beyond your own.