Brush strokes

Sometimes I especially feel and recognize my mortality. 

All the things I cannot do. All the things I have done wrong. All the ways that I fall short. 

My kids went back to school last week (they will go in person for two days and do online for the other 3 days) and in that process of preparing them and finishing up the summer I kind of bottomed out. 

This has happened at the end of every summer and you think I would have been able to anticipate it or figure it out by now. But alas, as a mortal I am resigned to repeat my mistakes and found myself again surprised that things had gotten out of balance and that I had distanced myself from the Lord.

That is an interesting idea. Feeling distant from the Lord. I am a person who prays and reads scriptures every day and goes to church each week and although I was doing that over the summer I still created distance between me and God because it was not always sincere. It became more rote and habitual rather than humble and intentional. And the distance was real.

I was talking to a friend this weekend who described it in such a beautiful way. She said that she has learned that she needs DAILY brushstrokes with the Holy Ghost. Where she puts herself in a place to feel the Spirit and to hear the things that the Lord wants to communicate to her. She described it like feeling a feather run across your arm- it is almost imperceptible it is so light but that the effort of seeking that connection every day is what, like a painting coming together one brush stroke at a time, produces a masterpiece in the end. A painting that is whole and complete and in which every brush stroke combines to make something beautiful. Her analogy is that we are the canvas and need those strokes with the Spirit to make of us what God intends that we become. But we have to choose to do the things that help us feel the Spirit and that help us feel close to Him. 

I looked up a post I wrote a few years ago about Peace. In it I state that my desire was to write those things down for my own reference for later on when, inevitably, I would fall off the cliff and need to remember how to get back up again. 

I was there last week and so needed to take my own advice. To feel peace again. 

So gratefully, as has also happened at the end of every summer I have been able to come to my senses. Through the help of loving friends and family members I could talk out my feelings and in that process realize that all I wanted- all I really needed- was to feel the peace that comes from God. The peace that passeth understanding. All of the anxiety and stress and fatigue and worry did not need to trouble me anymore if I could just feel of His peace.

And that has been the miracle. Beginning last Sunday through today I have been blessed with daily experiences where I have felt of God's love. Where I have reconnected with Him. Where through conversations or messages or scriptures or feelings peace has come as a great gift to my mind and heart. Overwhelming peace. 

I want Jesus the most. I need Him the most. I cannot survive without His assurance and help. And when I do the things that help me feel connected to Him, especially sincerely and with real intent, His mercy overflows and pours down upon me. As President Nelson stated, "When sore trials come upon us, it's time to deepen our faith in God, to work hard, and to serve others. Then He will heal our broken hearts. He will bestow upon us personal peace and comfort." I know that He does this because it has been my own experience over and over and over again. 

A friend shared this amazing song with me last week and I have listened to it probably 50 times already. It is so reassuring and encouraging and true for ALL of us. Come to the table really is His invitation. Take your place beside the Savior. Sit down and be set free. Come to the table.