This last week was a fabulous whirlwind.
I took Lauren on her 12 year old trip to New York, to visit our brother and sister in law who live in Connecticut (Jake's brother) and their sweet little Rosie.
We had a fantastic time, they were wonderful hosts and both Lauren and I came back renewed and grateful for the experience. I'll write more about that if I can get the pictures sorted out.
Then it was my birthday the day after we returned. And boy oh boy were people again kind and loving and good to me. I'm not going to lie. The first birthday after Jake died was horrendous. So terribly painful and exhausting. The second was definitely better. Still very painful but somehow alleviated by the goodness of others. And this year it was a lovely day. No pain. None. It helps that my expectations were also none so I was happily surprised to greet a day full of kind texts, emails, FB posts, flower deliveries, donuts, balloons, decorations, presents and love. Our kids were so darling and were so excited to get me presents and make the day a celebratory experience. My SIL Jenny helped so much in that process and was so kind. I met with friends I love for lunch and talked to dear family members on the phone. My Mom was wonderful to get donuts, balloons and my parents took us to dinner that night. All in all it was a wonderful day and I felt so cared for and loved.
Then the following day I completed a recent goal to hike to the top of Mt. Timpanogos for the first time. Yes, I am an Orem native but somehow hiking to the top of Timp was never anything I was particularly keen on doing. But with my two trusty hiking friends we got it done and it felt like an amazing accomplishment. These sweet friends entered my life at the all time low, and both figuratively and literally pulled me out of bed, got me up and moving and slowly built back my strength and my ability so that standing on the top of that mountain two years later was finally a reality. I am so grateful for them.
And I am one year older.
It has been a very reflective experience turning an age that Jake will never get to be.
38.
It definitely feels so young. So very very young. I remember once when Jake was sick we were with a friend who was about to turn 40. As expected, this friend was both bemoaning the aging process and anticipating all that they hoped for the next phase of their life. I remember that Jake leaned over to me and whispered "lucky."
Yes, they are lucky.
We who get to age, who get to grow old, who get to achieve and experience and live are lucky. Growing old is a gift.
I think I have an atypical sense of aging.
I look forward to it and hope that the years rush by. The thought of turning 40 (and then 50, then 60, and maybe even 70) makes me happy. I have someone I can't wait to get to. But at the same time I realize more than I could before what a gift it is to be alive. To draw breath. To have a body. To make choices and exercise agency.
Somehow I am healed enough to feel like I want to make something good out of the days I have left. I want to use them to learn. To serve. To love. To comfort. To grow. To feel. To increase.
In these days there will most definitely be pain, and heartache, and fear, and loneliness and grief. But lately I seem to welcome much more frequently the wonderful aspects and feelings and experiences of mortality into my daily life. I am grateful that most days really are good days.
And I know that it is ok for the two sides of the coin to co-exist. To feel both happy and sad. To find pleasure amidst pain. To feel peace even in times of distress. And living with these co-existing experiences is making my life and my heart so much richer in the process.
Friday, September 28
Saturday, September 15
Good Men
Many months ago I read a little editorial in the Deseret News that I loved. It was titled Helping men become the positive influence they need to be and you can read the whole article HERE.
The premise of the article was that with the increased incidence of mass shootings and the 'me too' movement, the trend has been to demoralize men for their terrible behavior. While I in no way condone such action by men, I was grateful that the article called raised a call for more good men. That it stated the need, the great need, our world has for men who are good, who are true, who are kind, who are hardworking, who are examples and who encourage the children and women in their lives.
Such men do exist. I know. I was married to one.
Not having a man living in our home, I can see more clearly the essential role that Jacob played in our family. I can see the things he did, the ways he helped, his role in encouraging and teaching and loving our children now more than I ever could when he was alive. What an oxymoron but truism to many things in life. We cannot fully appreciate what we have until it is taken away. Then our eyes our opened and our ability to understand how good it was is increased.
With that understanding I am now more aware of the good men around us. I watch their interactions with their wives. I see how they treat their children. I listen to them talk about their work and church service. I see them help and serve and support in so many ways. And I feel impressed that they are still many SO good men in the world. They go about their lives quietly and without fanfare, but the contributions they are making to the raising generation are critical. They are teaching, loving and encouraging their children and my children through their good choices and their watch care. They are truly trying to emulate the Savior.
The article ends with a quote by Edmund Burke "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." I have every reason to hope that because of the things I see the good men in our life doing for me and our kids- giving priesthood blessings, playing sports with our children, taking them to the temple, watching football games with them, attending their games, listening to our worries, spending time with us and helping out with projects in our home that evil still has its work cut out for it and that good men will, in the end, with He who is goodness personified triumph.
The premise of the article was that with the increased incidence of mass shootings and the 'me too' movement, the trend has been to demoralize men for their terrible behavior. While I in no way condone such action by men, I was grateful that the article called raised a call for more good men. That it stated the need, the great need, our world has for men who are good, who are true, who are kind, who are hardworking, who are examples and who encourage the children and women in their lives.
Such men do exist. I know. I was married to one.
Not having a man living in our home, I can see more clearly the essential role that Jacob played in our family. I can see the things he did, the ways he helped, his role in encouraging and teaching and loving our children now more than I ever could when he was alive. What an oxymoron but truism to many things in life. We cannot fully appreciate what we have until it is taken away. Then our eyes our opened and our ability to understand how good it was is increased.
With that understanding I am now more aware of the good men around us. I watch their interactions with their wives. I see how they treat their children. I listen to them talk about their work and church service. I see them help and serve and support in so many ways. And I feel impressed that they are still many SO good men in the world. They go about their lives quietly and without fanfare, but the contributions they are making to the raising generation are critical. They are teaching, loving and encouraging their children and my children through their good choices and their watch care. They are truly trying to emulate the Savior.
The article ends with a quote by Edmund Burke "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." I have every reason to hope that because of the things I see the good men in our life doing for me and our kids- giving priesthood blessings, playing sports with our children, taking them to the temple, watching football games with them, attending their games, listening to our worries, spending time with us and helping out with projects in our home that evil still has its work cut out for it and that good men will, in the end, with He who is goodness personified triumph.
Thursday, September 13
Catch up
Hello again friends.
It is good to be back.
Tommy started preschool this week and I am relishing a few hours alone in the mornings. I could fill that time doing things- laundry, dishes, cleaning, weeding, money, email, etc. but I really want to be wise in the use of my two free hours per day and use that time to do something that is self-replenishing, rejuvenating and fills up my bucket.
Writing is one of those things so I plan to do more of it.
In recap, we had a good and busy and family/friend filled summer.
It was kind of crazy and the weeks flew by.
The girls were very entrepreneurial and each created a business. Lauren had a "kids club" with two of her friends where they would have kids come to the house for 2.5 hours, and with a theme entertain them, learn and make things with them while the parents got a break. It filled up every week and they made some good coin and learned some great babysitting fundamentals in the process.
Ellie and Ada created a carwash business where they would clean the inside and outside of cars for $5 each. They worked hard and saved up enough to buy a hover-board, after which their motivation to work dramatically decreased although they did keep their car wash commitments to the end. I love the new skills they learned as they can now clean our car as well as the detail shops. :)
Tommy continued to be darling, playing with cars, weapons, legos and dress-ups acting out his favorite scenes from Clone Wars and the Book of Mormon. The war chapters are his definite favorite and any time he has the family night lesson we are acting out a story with a battle between the Nephites and the Lamanites. Luckily there are a few of those.
I felt pretty good through the summer and finished my training for the marathon, after which I've only run a handful of times. I kind of dropped off in the self-care area, so come the end of August I was feeling pretty spent and burned out. Can I say this- taking care of your self if CRITICAL especially when your full time job is to take care of others. This is not a selfish pursuit, but rather filling your bucket gives you reserve to help fill the buckets of others. Thankfully with school starting again (PS. when you are a single parent school becomes the 2nd parent- taking the kids and giving you a predictable break in the day) I've been able to get back to better routines and able to sleep, exercise, read, meditate and even start on a study of the Old Testament and am feeling renewed energy and motivation. Praise heaven.
I can say that when I am physically depleted, mental and emotional depletion are close on its heels and I tend to slide back into the grieving abyss. Thankfully those periods are more brief and less regular than before and I feel like I have some tools to help me climb out of the pit.
Here is my best recap of the summer months. I took very few pictures so you'll have to use your imagination:
June- visit from Phoenix friends, visit from CA Robertson cousins, weekend trip to Rupert to visit my cousins and lots of club time/earning money and soccer practice.
July- Provo freedom festival and stadium of fire, visit from more Robertson cousins, trip to Santa Cruz for the Robertson reunion, trip to LA and San Diego to see my brother and SIL and friends, trip to Phoenix to see friends and swim, soccer tournaments
August- Summer cleaning and house organization, school supply and registration, school clothes/shoes/backpack shopping, organizing and preparing my Let's Play Music classes, school starting, BYU education week, visit from Romney family, fall soccer season starting
And now September is almost halfway over. We have continued with soccer, mutual and activity days and the kids are doing well. I was released from my calling as the co-primary chorister and am now serving as the beehive advisor. It has been a lot of fun and having Lauren in there (and Ellie next year) is exciting.
We have a good morning routine where they help pack their lunches and do a chore while I make breakfast and after school they have time to play, practice piano and make it to a soccer practice. I have been grateful for the cool mornings and the turning leaves that bring on my favorite season- FALL. Weekends are filled with extended family, football games and sports and all in all things are going well and I feel grateful to be in a place where life is predictable, comfortable and enjoyable for all of us.
It is good to be back.
Tommy started preschool this week and I am relishing a few hours alone in the mornings. I could fill that time doing things- laundry, dishes, cleaning, weeding, money, email, etc. but I really want to be wise in the use of my two free hours per day and use that time to do something that is self-replenishing, rejuvenating and fills up my bucket.
Writing is one of those things so I plan to do more of it.
In recap, we had a good and busy and family/friend filled summer.
It was kind of crazy and the weeks flew by.
The girls were very entrepreneurial and each created a business. Lauren had a "kids club" with two of her friends where they would have kids come to the house for 2.5 hours, and with a theme entertain them, learn and make things with them while the parents got a break. It filled up every week and they made some good coin and learned some great babysitting fundamentals in the process.
Ellie and Ada created a carwash business where they would clean the inside and outside of cars for $5 each. They worked hard and saved up enough to buy a hover-board, after which their motivation to work dramatically decreased although they did keep their car wash commitments to the end. I love the new skills they learned as they can now clean our car as well as the detail shops. :)
Tommy continued to be darling, playing with cars, weapons, legos and dress-ups acting out his favorite scenes from Clone Wars and the Book of Mormon. The war chapters are his definite favorite and any time he has the family night lesson we are acting out a story with a battle between the Nephites and the Lamanites. Luckily there are a few of those.
I felt pretty good through the summer and finished my training for the marathon, after which I've only run a handful of times. I kind of dropped off in the self-care area, so come the end of August I was feeling pretty spent and burned out. Can I say this- taking care of your self if CRITICAL especially when your full time job is to take care of others. This is not a selfish pursuit, but rather filling your bucket gives you reserve to help fill the buckets of others. Thankfully with school starting again (PS. when you are a single parent school becomes the 2nd parent- taking the kids and giving you a predictable break in the day) I've been able to get back to better routines and able to sleep, exercise, read, meditate and even start on a study of the Old Testament and am feeling renewed energy and motivation. Praise heaven.
I can say that when I am physically depleted, mental and emotional depletion are close on its heels and I tend to slide back into the grieving abyss. Thankfully those periods are more brief and less regular than before and I feel like I have some tools to help me climb out of the pit.
Here is my best recap of the summer months. I took very few pictures so you'll have to use your imagination:
June- visit from Phoenix friends, visit from CA Robertson cousins, weekend trip to Rupert to visit my cousins and lots of club time/earning money and soccer practice.
July- Provo freedom festival and stadium of fire, visit from more Robertson cousins, trip to Santa Cruz for the Robertson reunion, trip to LA and San Diego to see my brother and SIL and friends, trip to Phoenix to see friends and swim, soccer tournaments
August- Summer cleaning and house organization, school supply and registration, school clothes/shoes/backpack shopping, organizing and preparing my Let's Play Music classes, school starting, BYU education week, visit from Romney family, fall soccer season starting
And now September is almost halfway over. We have continued with soccer, mutual and activity days and the kids are doing well. I was released from my calling as the co-primary chorister and am now serving as the beehive advisor. It has been a lot of fun and having Lauren in there (and Ellie next year) is exciting.
We have a good morning routine where they help pack their lunches and do a chore while I make breakfast and after school they have time to play, practice piano and make it to a soccer practice. I have been grateful for the cool mornings and the turning leaves that bring on my favorite season- FALL. Weekends are filled with extended family, football games and sports and all in all things are going well and I feel grateful to be in a place where life is predictable, comfortable and enjoyable for all of us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)