Ok, this is hard

I relent and will say it out loud, this is hard.

I think we did tolerably well for the first week and even better for the second. But as the new wave of restrictions has come out and the extrovert inside me is feeling the pinch of really not seeing or interacting with people that I love for the continued foreseeable future I will say it.  I'm not a fan.

I do think that there are good things coming from this.

I know that we don't actually have it that bad.

I know that it could be much worse.

And I can see all kinds of opportunities opening up to realign priorities and focus on what really matters.

But the unknown is difficult for me and my planning/forward thinking nature.

And I'm also slowly dying from not seeing people. I love people!!! I need people!!! It is amazing what a few weeks of not being able to gather with people can do to a person. I hope to never take lightly the ability to gather in groups again.

Again, I feel like I have done this in some form before and so I know that I can do it again. But then in other moments I'm just ready to throw in the towel.

This weekend I kind of lost my motivation. I didn't really feel like doing anything. Kindly my oldest pointed out that even when I say "I'm not going to do anything" I actually still do about 5 things which counts as something.

But I was so grateful for my kids. They pitched in, they brought me breakfast in bed, they cleaned the kitchen, they gave me hugs and told me they loved me. It doesn't get better than that.

I loved this article explaining that the discomfort that we are feeling is grief.

Yes, sounds about right.

And is nice to know that we can be gracious and patient with ourselves and with each other.

And I was also grateful for the opportunity to fast and pray for relief from the effects of the pandemic on Sunday. It was clarifying for my spirit and nice to feel like there was something {small} that I could do.

I wrote our young women (my lovely young friends!) a letter and had my kids help tape it to every door and think that this is the prevailing comforting thought that I've had all week from the Words of Mormon verse 7:

"And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come."

I believe that with my whole heart.

The Lord knows. We do not know that is to come- we can't know- but God does. Our Father in Heaven has seen this, every detail and how it will play out and so our only job is to trust in Him.

Tonight the kids and I hiked near our home and as they sat looking out at the view and as I sat watching them I felt so much reassurance and a renewed sense of hope.

I can do this. We can do this. It will really be ok.

Just be still and know that He is God. 

Creativity

I have been so interested to see how many people around us are choosing to cope with all of this change creatively.

Rather than being bogged down by the seriousness and unpredictability of it all, I have seen so many people think of creative, interesting and fun ways to adapt to these restrictions.

Along with the hundreds of hilariously creative memes out there, these manifestations of creativity are fantastic and another testament to me of our shared human ability to be resilient and adaptable in the face of change.

A- We had a young women's leader leave Lauren this incredibly funny note outside under a rock:



B- My brother-in-law made a homespun printing press:

C- The trainer at the Provo Rec class I go to started posting online workouts to do at home, and without hand weights on hand I resorted to syrup.

D- Lauren got busy with her newly acquired collage skills and made this "Tribute to Coronavirus" collage complete with a TP flower vase.

E- Even though Ellie can't meet with her team to practice they all started doing the "toilet paper" challenge to see how many times they could juggle a roll of TP. It has been a fun way for them to stay connected to each other. 

F- My mom decided to read books to her grandkids via Marco Polo and has recorded stories there that the littles can listen to throughout the day.

G- My brother arranged a virtual game night (though I chose to watch a movie with my kid instead) with my family and they had a fun time playing virtually.

These are just some of the things I have witnessed in the last 7 days that have put a smile on my face and made me wonder again at the capacity of human ingenuity.

One of my favorite conference talks is called "Happiness Your Heritage," given by Elder Uchtdorf in 2008. I'll quote some of it below but encourage you to read it as you ponder the time and opportunities you have to be creative during the coming week.

We can do this!

God is with us and is our creator and will continue to guide us along the way.

"I would like to speak about two principles that may help you find a path to peace, hope, and joy—even during times of trial and distress. I want to speak about God’s happiness and how each one of us can taste of it in spite of the burdens that beset us.

The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.

You may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us. The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.

Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty. Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty—and I am not talking about the process of cleaning the rooms of your teenage children.

Nearly a century and a half ago, President Brigham Young spoke to the Saints of his day. “There is a great work for the Saints to do,” he said. “Progress, and improve upon and make beautiful everything around you. Cultivate the earth, and cultivate your minds. Build cities, adorn your habitations, make gardens, orchards, and vineyards, and render the earth so pleasant that when you look upon your labors you may do so with pleasure, and that angels may delight to come and visit your beautiful locations. In the mean time continually seek to adorn your minds with all the graces of the Spirit of Christ.”⁶

The more you trust and rely upon the Spirit, the greater your capacity to create. That is your opportunity in this life and your destiny in the life to come. Sisters, trust and rely on the Spirit. As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."

Self-care

Yesterday was another interesting day.

By the end of last night I was totally drained.

I think with the first day of online school, an earthquake, continuing dismal reports on the spread of the coronavirus and practicing social distancing I felt pretty worn down.

So far the heaviest days for me have been Thursday, March 12 and Wednesday, March 18. I'm sure you have had yours.

My sister made an interesting point- that while during Jake's cancer experience our life changed dramatically, the lives of our family members and neighbors and friends continued on a normal trajectory therefore lending them the ability to help and lift and encourage and strengthen us through our difficult time of need.

The difference now is that we are ALL feeling like our lives are going down the drain. Hopefully not forever, but for the foreseeable future and everyone we know and love is similarly affected. It makes it harder to get the help you need from other people- especially as we shouldn't even be in the same physical spaces as people outside of our immediate families. As a caveat I want to recognize that my personal circumstances are pretty fortunate- I don't work outside of our home, we will continue receive our social security survivors benefit and for now are all in good health with no immune deficiencies.  My heart goes out to so many who are grappling with difficult life situations already that have only been exacerbated by the coronavirus restrictions.

So what can we do?

I haven been feeling that for me, the most important thing I can do at this volatile time is practice good self-care habits. Not self-care in the indulgent way it is often portrayed. But self-care "as a discipline, requiring tough-mindedness and a deep and personal understanding of your priorities."

These are the things that help me the most and I hope that some of them can help you too:

1. Sleep

This amount of unpredictability, change and upheaval is absolutely draining. I am doing so much processing of all of this dramatic change and I feel it in every aspect of my life- in my body, my mind and my spirit. I am tired and am trying to allow myself plenty of time to sleep every night- whether by going to bed earlier or sleeping in or even taking a nap in the afternoon. Getting more sleep is one way to practice self-care.

2. Changing expectations

Along with adjusting my daily routines I have also had to quickly adjust my expectations about what I can feasibly accomplish and what I can leave undone. Previous to the corona virus I had several projects I was working on, a service assignment at church, studying for the GRE and the usual care of home and children. While I can continue to do much of this, I can't continue it in the same way. The last week I've hardly had energy to do anything other than continue to exist. And that is ok and is enough for this point in time. It is an achievement that we are trying to reorder or lives around this change and remembering to be extra gentle and patient with ourselves is another important self-care routine.

3. Scripture study

I need time every day to sit with my scriptures and spend time with the Lord. It is essential to my functioning and happiness and keeps me grounded. I had fallen off of a regular schedule through the winter, but in February I chose to make time each morning to read once the kids left for school. It was such a source of strength each day as I set a timer for 30 minutes and spent time in study.  Now, in this craziness I have decided to find a different block of time each day to keep scripture study a priority. I loved this chapter that I read yesterday and am grateful for the reminder of the nature and mercy of the God I love. We are reading together as a family also, but my individual relationship with God is another way I practice self-care that is sustaining.

4. Meditation

For the last two years I've been able to learn more about the practice of meditation. I have a friend who leads meditation and for a year I would meet with him weekly to practice meditation. It was an important tool in my healing but also provided many benefits to help me learn to settle my mind and find peace within. I have not been as good to continue the practice daily, but once this craziness started I definitely got back on the wagon. There are so many good meditation tools out there and these are some I have used- the insight timer, the I AM yoga nidra app, as well as my friend's meditation website. I recommend taking some time each day to try and breathe and still your mind as another way to practice self-care.

5. Connection

Even though we are not really getting together with other people right now, there are still so many ways that we can connect. This form of connection- through texting, phone calls, face time, Zoom our new BFF, Marc* Polo, Fac*book, Go*gle hangouts, etc. etc. etc.- is critical! We cannot do this alone and we most definitely need each other to get through it. In some ways it has been a blessing to be able to slow down and reconnect with the people that I love. I know it has been nice for our kids as well to see friends, teachers and family members virtually and to feel that they are not alone. So finding a way to virtually connect, converse and share with the people in our lives is another important form of self-care in this crazy time.

6. Being alone

Now that may seem counter-intuitive at a time when we are basically mandated to be at home but in my home I am not alone- I have four lovely, kind and wonderful children who are here with me. 24/7.  And sometimes we need to have time away from each other. I have been so proud of our kids this week. They have taken all of these changes in stride and are working together to make the best of it. But this much "togetherness" is more than any of us are used to in normal life.  So just as we need to connect with each other as a family and connect with family and friends on the outside- we also desperately need time alone. Yesterday I decided that I would institute an "alone hour" where the kids knew that I was off limits. I did not answer their questions, I did not rescue them when they called for a ride home, and I went into my room and locked the door. It helped a lot to just have 60 minutes of time to myself where I was not required to do anything for anyone else.  I think that will be a good self-care routine for as long as this goes on.

7. Exercise

One benefit of this self-quarantine is that we can still go outside and move. I may actually get in the best shape of my life. Yesterday I went on a 20 minute run, did an hour of online yoga and then went on a hike for another hour. It felt awesome and was a productive way to expend some of my nervous energy. There are a lot of physical things we can still do outdoors- go on bike rides, shoot baskets, hit tennis balls, run, hike, kick the soccer ball, etc.  not to mention the many types of indoor exercise available to us- body weight lifting exercises, yoga, jumping jacks, etc. I am especially grateful that it is the middle of March and here in the Northern Hemisphere we are heading into warmer weather and longer days so going outside will only become more accessible. Exercise is a helpful way to practice self-care and break up these long days.


Well those are my ideas for today. I am sure more things will become important in the weeks to come. And I'd love to hear any ideas you have or things you done to help you care for yourself and understand your priorities.

I am grateful that we only need take this one day at a time. It can feel too bleak to think further than that. So today, we got school work done, most have practiced the piano, I wrote up this blog post and we will watch a movie as a family tonight. That sounds like a pretty good day.

COVID-19

Because really, is there anything else to even talk about?

Hello my friends.

I am grateful for a chance to stop everything in its tracks and take a minute to write something here. Bless those of you who continue to check in on us. I sure appreciate it.

Well this has been a crazy week.

Going from doing what was predictable, routine and expected to doing what was unimaginable, unexpected and uncontrollable just a week ago.

Fun!

And to top it off, here in Utah I woke up this morning at 7:09 and felt like my bed was shaking. Initially my drowsy mind thought someone was in my room and I was scared. But then when I opened my eyes and no one was there I instantly thought "earthquake."

And it was. The effects of a 5.7 earthquake about 40 miles away.

For me, in times of stress and a lot of change I usually try and draw on past experiences to make sense of what is currently going on. And the two things that have come to mind most powerfully are 9/11 and Jacob's diagnosis.

On September 11, 2001 I was a BYU student intern living in Washington, DC where Jake and I first met. Many of our cohort had gone to work that morning via car or the metro only to have everything change in a matter of hours. I, along with several other members of our cohort, had come down with a stomach bug the night before so half of our group was sick at home where we sat dumbfounded in front of our TV's watching the twin towers fall.  It was a memorable day, and then week and then months that followed where so many things changed suddenly.

Then we move to January 24, 2014. I go from having a leisurely Friday afternoon at home to taking my husband to the ER where we learn through an MRI that there is a lesion in his brain. Our life changes in an instant and all that was normal, expected and planned is wiped completely off of the slate and we are figuratively at ground zero. Not just for a few weeks or months either. Kind of changing what we had planned, expected and hoped for the rest of our lives.

While this newest experience is not actually the same as either of those experiences in my past, I continue to think of them and draw strength and knowledge from the things I have learned.

Currently, and within a period of a just a few days the kids and I went from living our normal, routine and predictable lives to being home bound with only each other, doing online school, and having all activities, trips, sports, church meetings and events canceled for the foreseeable future.

And it has been a lot to take in.

I think initially you respond with skepticism- "This can't really be happening," or "It won't be that bad." Then you feel the worry. "What does this mean?" and "How much will we be affected? Then you have the frustration. "But I really wanted to go to that [insert one of the many things you can't go to anymore]!"  "I was looking forward to doing [something that definitely involves a gathering of more than 10 people]." Then you feel the sadness. "I wish this wasn't happening" and the inevitable "Why?" Then you finally relent and decide that all you can do is take it a day at a time.

I have learned that in times like this of upheaval and unpredictability you have limited emotional capacity. You really do. There is a specific amount of space you can dedicate to emotions and if you let most of it get absorbed by negative ones you will become drained. This is not to say you need to only be positive (not possible or even good for you!). But you do need to do things that emotionally fill your bucket. We all have different ones- tell jokes, talk to a good friend, hug our children, go outside and breathe fresh air. It is important to set limits on what you can take in and what you are willing to give out and don't let yourself cross those boundaries.

I have also found that even when life seems pretty uncontrollable, there are still things within your control. During Jake's illness I found it very therapeutic to tidy up our house. I wasn't even doing it because I needed things to be clean, but because I needed to have control over some aspect of my new uncontrollable life. And I can tell you that having the floor picked up and the counters cleared really did help me feel better. So evaluate if there are things in your life, even with all of these restrictions, that you can still control. Can you sleep in each morning? Can you decide that there won't be dirty dishes in your sink? Or that dirty dishes are finally allowed? Can you talk on the phone for several hours each day? Just pick a thing or two that you want to do and allow yourself to have control over it. It will help you feel like not all of life is out of your control.

I also believe so much in routine, especially for children. Not only has this amount of change been hard on me, it has been hard to process and experience for our kids. They have had to make a lot of sudden adjustments and they are still trying to understand what is even going on. In times of dramatic change we all crave some level of predictability and order- another way to establish a little sense of control when so much feels uncontrollable. So making a routine became a quick priority for us. We all sat down on Sunday and talked about how we wanted our days to look- what was reasonable and responsible but would still allow for some enjoyment and fun. And then I sat at the computer and typed up our COVID-19 routine. We started it today and things instantly felt better! The kids knew what to expect, what was going to happen and that there would be time for everything- school, chores, exercise, TV and some fun. I also didn't have to field questions for the entire day about what was happening next or why they had to do [something they didn't want to do]. Instead, both they and I knew what to expect, it was typed up and posted around the house so they didn't even need to ask and we all actually had a pretty nice day at home together.

Finally, I think that having a minute to face our mortality (or that of our 60+ year friends and relatives) is actually a good thing. It can help us to remember Who is the real source of our lives. Who lends us breath to live and move and do according to our own wills. It is also good to remind us how frail we really are in this mortal existence and how much we depend on God for all that we have. It can also do the opposite- lead us to harden our hearts, turn our fists heavenward and curse God even as we die. We always have a choice.

I do believe that there have probably been more prayers offered in the last week than there have been in many months. Especially following the National Day of Prayer last Sunday. It is a nice image to think of people, across the entire world, pleading to heaven for help and strength and peace and grace. I like to think that the resurgence of calls heavenward has been very welcome. I do believe that God is at the helm and will continue to provide help and comfort to all who ask Him, no matter the outcome. While He may not miraculously change the course of natural events He can, under all circumstances, give us peace as we go through it.  Christ stated, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." - John 14:27

That has been my own experience and I know that His peace is available to all of us, everywhere.