COVID-19

Because really, is there anything else to even talk about?

Hello my friends.

I am grateful for a chance to stop everything in its tracks and take a minute to write something here. Bless those of you who continue to check in on us. I sure appreciate it.

Well this has been a crazy week.

Going from doing what was predictable, routine and expected to doing what was unimaginable, unexpected and uncontrollable just a week ago.

Fun!

And to top it off, here in Utah I woke up this morning at 7:09 and felt like my bed was shaking. Initially my drowsy mind thought someone was in my room and I was scared. But then when I opened my eyes and no one was there I instantly thought "earthquake."

And it was. The effects of a 5.7 earthquake about 40 miles away.

For me, in times of stress and a lot of change I usually try and draw on past experiences to make sense of what is currently going on. And the two things that have come to mind most powerfully are 9/11 and Jacob's diagnosis.

On September 11, 2001 I was a BYU student intern living in Washington, DC where Jake and I first met. Many of our cohort had gone to work that morning via car or the metro only to have everything change in a matter of hours. I, along with several other members of our cohort, had come down with a stomach bug the night before so half of our group was sick at home where we sat dumbfounded in front of our TV's watching the twin towers fall.  It was a memorable day, and then week and then months that followed where so many things changed suddenly.

Then we move to January 24, 2014. I go from having a leisurely Friday afternoon at home to taking my husband to the ER where we learn through an MRI that there is a lesion in his brain. Our life changes in an instant and all that was normal, expected and planned is wiped completely off of the slate and we are figuratively at ground zero. Not just for a few weeks or months either. Kind of changing what we had planned, expected and hoped for the rest of our lives.

While this newest experience is not actually the same as either of those experiences in my past, I continue to think of them and draw strength and knowledge from the things I have learned.

Currently, and within a period of a just a few days the kids and I went from living our normal, routine and predictable lives to being home bound with only each other, doing online school, and having all activities, trips, sports, church meetings and events canceled for the foreseeable future.

And it has been a lot to take in.

I think initially you respond with skepticism- "This can't really be happening," or "It won't be that bad." Then you feel the worry. "What does this mean?" and "How much will we be affected? Then you have the frustration. "But I really wanted to go to that [insert one of the many things you can't go to anymore]!"  "I was looking forward to doing [something that definitely involves a gathering of more than 10 people]." Then you feel the sadness. "I wish this wasn't happening" and the inevitable "Why?" Then you finally relent and decide that all you can do is take it a day at a time.

I have learned that in times like this of upheaval and unpredictability you have limited emotional capacity. You really do. There is a specific amount of space you can dedicate to emotions and if you let most of it get absorbed by negative ones you will become drained. This is not to say you need to only be positive (not possible or even good for you!). But you do need to do things that emotionally fill your bucket. We all have different ones- tell jokes, talk to a good friend, hug our children, go outside and breathe fresh air. It is important to set limits on what you can take in and what you are willing to give out and don't let yourself cross those boundaries.

I have also found that even when life seems pretty uncontrollable, there are still things within your control. During Jake's illness I found it very therapeutic to tidy up our house. I wasn't even doing it because I needed things to be clean, but because I needed to have control over some aspect of my new uncontrollable life. And I can tell you that having the floor picked up and the counters cleared really did help me feel better. So evaluate if there are things in your life, even with all of these restrictions, that you can still control. Can you sleep in each morning? Can you decide that there won't be dirty dishes in your sink? Or that dirty dishes are finally allowed? Can you talk on the phone for several hours each day? Just pick a thing or two that you want to do and allow yourself to have control over it. It will help you feel like not all of life is out of your control.

I also believe so much in routine, especially for children. Not only has this amount of change been hard on me, it has been hard to process and experience for our kids. They have had to make a lot of sudden adjustments and they are still trying to understand what is even going on. In times of dramatic change we all crave some level of predictability and order- another way to establish a little sense of control when so much feels uncontrollable. So making a routine became a quick priority for us. We all sat down on Sunday and talked about how we wanted our days to look- what was reasonable and responsible but would still allow for some enjoyment and fun. And then I sat at the computer and typed up our COVID-19 routine. We started it today and things instantly felt better! The kids knew what to expect, what was going to happen and that there would be time for everything- school, chores, exercise, TV and some fun. I also didn't have to field questions for the entire day about what was happening next or why they had to do [something they didn't want to do]. Instead, both they and I knew what to expect, it was typed up and posted around the house so they didn't even need to ask and we all actually had a pretty nice day at home together.

Finally, I think that having a minute to face our mortality (or that of our 60+ year friends and relatives) is actually a good thing. It can help us to remember Who is the real source of our lives. Who lends us breath to live and move and do according to our own wills. It is also good to remind us how frail we really are in this mortal existence and how much we depend on God for all that we have. It can also do the opposite- lead us to harden our hearts, turn our fists heavenward and curse God even as we die. We always have a choice.

I do believe that there have probably been more prayers offered in the last week than there have been in many months. Especially following the National Day of Prayer last Sunday. It is a nice image to think of people, across the entire world, pleading to heaven for help and strength and peace and grace. I like to think that the resurgence of calls heavenward has been very welcome. I do believe that God is at the helm and will continue to provide help and comfort to all who ask Him, no matter the outcome. While He may not miraculously change the course of natural events He can, under all circumstances, give us peace as we go through it.  Christ stated, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." - John 14:27

That has been my own experience and I know that His peace is available to all of us, everywhere.