Hope

2020.

I have so many things to be grateful for.

This holiday season was the best in years, our children are healthy and happy and I have a renewed enthusiasm for life.

I have Hope again.

Over the last few months I have been pondering on the attribute of Hope. There are wonderful talks about the subject and many definitions but the one that resonates the most with me is this: 

"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement. The scriptures often describe hope in Jesus Christ as the assurance that you will inherit eternal life in the celestial kingdom."

I love the idea that Hope is manifest through patient perseverance- continuing to hold on and keep going even when you can't see the end from the beginning.



I think that has been the case for me for several years. To get up each day, to do what I can do and to not give up or quit. Often I thought of that way of living as mere survival, but now I can see it for what it really was- a manifestation of Hope.

I was talking to a dear widow friend last week and we were discussing plans for our summers. As we talked it occurred to me that we were happily talking and planning about things months in advance and when I mentioned it to her we both realized that we are not living in the day to day survival mode of acute grief. We were living in Hope- with good expectations for our futures.



I realized it on the day the kids and I went out for this photo shoot. It was the first time since Jake died that I set up an appointment to have family pictures taken. I was somewhat reluctant because of the obvious missing person in the photos, but as we went and throughout the whole process I did not feel incomplete. Instead, we felt like a family. It felt normal to get family pictures with me and the kids.  Just like the families with both a mom and a dad in their photos- we are still a family and it was a wonderful experience to document and feel the reality of that truth giving Hope to my heart.



Additionally, I have to comment on the great mercy of the Lord in alleviating my holiday/birthday heartache. My Dad gave me a priesthood blessing on what would have been our 15th anniversary last May and in it stated that going forward the holidays/birthdays/celebration days would not be so painful for me anymore. I was pretty skeptical but, with Hope, left room to believe that if the Lord promised it then He could fulfill his promise to me.



And it has been that way through the whole rest of the year. With my, then Ada, then Tommy, then Ellie's birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas the days have not been days full of pain. Rather they have been peaceful days where I've felt increased appreciation for each of our children and the opportunity to recognize and celebrate with them.



It is nothing short of miraculous to me and I feel compelled to recognize the Lord's goodness and mercy in allowing me to feel happiness again on these special occasions and confirming my Hope in Him.

That is not to say that the pain still doesn't come. I would be a fool to think that it's over. I experienced some recurrence of grief and heartache through this holiday season, but it has not been overpowering or monopolized the gratitude and happiness that I've been able to feel as well.

I am also so grateful for the blessing the Lord has given me to serve with the Young Women of our church during the 2019 calendar year. When I was called to be our young women's president a year ago I felt so overwhelmed and though it was a terrible idea.

But in the last 14 months I have seen God continue to bring me back to life through this service opportunity- filling my reservoir with strength and love and perspective that I could not have achieved through my own initiative. He is helping me remember who I am and use the gifts He has given me and it has been a wonderful experience to be filled with the Hope that things will work out for my good. 

Another miracle to me is that our children seem to be thriving. I know they are still in the developmental stage and I don't think we have it made by a long shot- but with the pain of losing their Dad, moving, and starting up a new life it has been incredible to see how far they have come.



They love each other and are so good to me. They pull together and help with so many things at home and enjoy going to school and participating in their kid activities. They are kind and sensitive spirits and continue to have faith that God loves them and is there for them.

They really are such wonderful, interesting, and good people and I count it a great privilege to be their mother.

I also feel grateful for the experiences that both me and the kids have had in feeling of Jake's continued interest in our lives and Hope that those will continue. As President Nelson stated at his daughter Wendy's funeral:

"To her children and grandchildren, President Nelson said: “She can minister to you in what I call ‘parenting through the veil.’ She can see us more clearly through the veil than we see her. We cannot forget her. We do not cease to love her. We are sealed to her by eternal ties. She loves us now more than ever. Her desire for our well-being will be even greater than that which we feel for ourselves. So, dear family, stay tuned.”

As I fasted this last Sunday my desire was to express to the Lord my gratitude for the feeling of Hope that has entered into my heart and to ask that this Hope would continue to grow in the coming year.

During the closing song we started to sing one of my Mom's favorite hymns, "Our Savior's love."  When we got to the second verse I could not sing anymore for the tears that filled my eyes as I felt the Holy Ghost confirm the Lord's recognition of my gratitude and desire for Hope through these words: 

The Spirit, voice

Of goodness, whispers to our hearts

A better choice

Than evil's anguished cries.

Loud may the sound

Of hope ring till all doubt departs,

And we are bound

To him by loving ties.

I am so grateful for Jesus Christ and for the strength I am finding through maintaining Hope in Him. It has been a loooong time in coming and there were definitely days where I did not know if I could ever hope again. But somehow by staying with Him and continuing with patient perseverance this infusion of Hope for my future has returned with the real knowledge that all these things will work together for my good, for Jacob's good and for the good of our children both now and eternally. 

So for 2020 I echo these beautiful words: Loud may the sound of HOPE ring till all doubt departs, and we are bound- me and you and ALL of us- to Him by loving ties.