Bobbie and Dick

Today I wanted to write about two lovely people in my life.

Bobbie and Dick.

More than 16 years ago, I left my family in Orem, Utah to fly to Washington D.C. to work as an intern for a semester of college. I was 20 years old and the time and looking forward to my dream come true of working/living/breathing in life in our nation's capitol.

I boarded the airplane with puffy red eyes and a tear streaked face (this was in the days non-travelers could come to the gate and bid you farewell) after saying goodbye to my family for a few months and sat by a nice looking retired couple.

Immediately, the man noticed that I had been crying and asked me if I was all right. I said yes, and explained that I was leaving to be an intern for a semester in D.C. He asked me where I would be working and listened as I talked about my plans for those few months. He was so kind and interested and I was grateful to have someone to talk to. His wife was sitting near the window reading a book but as the conversation progressed she listened and asked her own questions with an earnest kindness.

We ended up talking almost the whole way across the country and that flight opened up a friendship that has been a blessing in my life ever since. 

Dick and Bobbie were on the flight coming back from visiting their granddaughter in New Mexico, where she was attending college. They said she was about my age, and shared about their family of four children and their grandchildren at the time. 

I asked them about their careers- Dick had been an art teacher and Bobbie taught as well as worked with equestrian horses. In fact, they shared that they lived on some property in Pennsylvania where they boarded horses and had a training ground. I remember asking them about their lives growing up on the east coast, their families, and their interests and hobbies. It was such a wonderful conversation that kept me from wallowing in self pity on what could have been a long and sad flight. They asked all about my interests and college experience and had such encouraging things to share about DC and the surrounding area. I remember thinking what a blessing it was to sit by such a nice couple and feel of their compassion and interest in a no-name twenty something girl leaving home for the first time. 

As we were getting close to land, Dick handed me a slip of paper with his email address and phone number and told me to let them know if I ever needed anything while I was in town. 

And then we got off of the plane, parted ways and said goodbye. 

That could have been it.

But oh what a mercy that it wasn't.

I can't remember the details exactly, but I do remember sending Dick an email to thank both he and Bobbie for being so kind to me on the plane and for their encouragement. He responded within days and asked me how things were going. I wrote back about my job and roommates and thus began a little correspondence with Bobbie and Dick. I remember writing to them every week or so, and every time I wrote they wrote back so the communication continued.

I don't remember how the invitation happened (please say I didn't invite myself!) but after a few weeks I had a lovely invitation for me and a few of my friends from the program to come and spend the weekend at their farmhouse in Pennsylvania. 

One of those friends was Jake.

So we planned the getaway and a few weeks later, me, my two roommates Megan and Whitney, Jake and another guy named Brad from our program set out in Jake's car to spend a weekend with Bobbie and Dick.

We had such a lovely time.

We arrived on Friday night and Bobbie greeted us with the most wonderful homemade dinner. I don't remember the whole menu, but I do remember that she served us the most delicious salmon filet that I'd ever had. We spent the evening eating, listening to music, and visiting with them in their living room. They had two rooms all set up for us upstairs- the guys in one room and us girls in another. They had taken such care to get things ready for us and I was again amazed at their generosity of heart to an almost stranger and her friends who were complete strangers to them. I couldn't believe they would invite us to stay with them and then that they would show us such hospitality. 

Saturday morning Bobbie had a lovely breakfast spread- everything was homemade and delicious and then we walked around their property. It was beautiful and for desert kids we were enthralled with the greenery and the trees. Bobbie showed us the stables and then had her friend Margaret give us a show with one of the horses while we relaxed on some chairs and watched. We left for the afternoon to look around the town and then returned to another amazing dinner, company and enjoyable evening visiting with Bobbie and Dick and learning more about them.

Their home was so lovely and adorned with so many interesting things. Pieces of Dick's artwork, photos of their children, books and keepsakes from their years together, rugs and lamps and blankets weaved, curated and collected with care. I just loved being in their home and seeing the place that they created together. 

(( I must inject here some behind the scenes facts. I actually invited both Jake and the other guy Brad because they were the two boys I was most interested in on our program. And this was a pivotal weekend that turned the tide in Jake's favor. Watching him interact with Bobbie and Dick, seeing him ask them questions, hearing him express thanks for their kindness all while the other kid did none of the above raised him high in my book and set him solidly at the top of my male interest list for the semester. ))

We got off early on Sunday morning, all while thanking Bobbie and Dick over and over for their kindness and hospitality and made our way back to DC.

And from that weekend in the fall of 2001, I never again saw Bobbie and Dick in person until July of 2016. 

Fifteen years.

But somehow the time and distance didn't matter.

I attribute that solidly to Bobbie and Dick and their willingness to let me into their hearts and lives for the intervening weeks, months and years and to continually check in on me, on Jake, on our children and on our life.  

We continued our email correspondence.

While in DC I received my mission call to serve an LDS full time mission to Valencia, Venezuela. 

I wrote about it to Bobbie and Dick. They wrote back and were thrilled for me. 

And they wrote me during my entire 18 month mission.

They are not LDS, but love God and I appreciated their support so much.

When I got home I wrote to them as I started dating, got engaged to and was set to marry Jake the following May. 

They wrote back, expressed their joy, sent us a beautiful wind chime as a wedding present. 

I wrote them as Jake and I attended graduate school and when I got pregnant with Lauren.

They wrote back encouraging words and Bobbie sent us a hand knit white sweater for Lauren.

And our email correspondence continued. 

Mostly Bobbie would check in every few months for an update and I would write back (sometimes much too tardily) with the latest report.

When each of our next children were born Bobbie had a hand knit item in the mail for them. 

And from their births on, Bobbie and Dick have sent each of our children a card, and now a gift that has arrived days early, in time for them to open on their birthdays.

Every child. 

Every year. 

Several years ago Bobbie and Dick moved to northern Idaho to be closer to their children. 

And finally, last year the kids and I were able to drive to their home and spend another weekend with this dear couple that our children had known for years through letters and gifts, but had never met in person. 

It was such a wonderful gift to be with them again.

Although their are in a new location now- the way their house is set up, Bobbie's attention to our accommodations and comfort, Dick's stories and artwork, the amazing food and their love and concern were just as I remembered them from 15 years earlier. 

Jake loved Bobbie and Dick too. He fondly remembered our weekend at their house, and was so touched by how they remembered each of our children on their birthdays. That meant so much to him. He often called them my adopted grandparents and he loved hearing the updates on their lives.

Bobbie and Dick were immediate in expressing their concern for Jake's diagnosis and checked in regularly throughout his illness, sending prayers, thoughts, kindness and love from afar. We knew of their heartbreak as Jake started to decline and I felt buoyed up by their support after his death. 

They were just there, checking in, sending kindness and showing support.

I hope the uneven nature of this relationship is obvious. Bobbie and Dick feel like grandparents to me- continually giving and serving and helping, expecting (and often getting) so little in return.

I have not sent them birthday cards. Or gifts. Ever.

But I also hope that this story highlights what lovely people they are to give so selflessly to a girl who was not in their family, or their neighbor, or in their church community or school.

I was a stranger sitting next to them on an airplane.

They are examples of how showing love, taking an interest, giving service and bestowing kindness to one person can be a force for good in their lives.

Forever.

I wish I could say with words how much this sweet couple mean to me. They have been a constant in years where change was the norm and life was growing and moving and developing rapidly. 

I recently sent Bobbie a picture of Ellie and Tommy holding the birthday presents that she gave them and she wrote back saying, "You are all so special and beloved by us. We are grateful for the "years ago" happening on that plane with your sitting by Dick and then coming to the farm. Truly blessings and meant to be."

I love Bobbie and Dick and am grateful for the miracle of their friendship that I also feel was "truly blessings and meant to be." 

Grief

We got a newspaper subscription, and a few weeks ago I was sad to read an obituary about someone who did not believe that there was "room for grief" in the plan of salvation.

I do not agree. I think grief, like joy or peace or pain or sorrow is a necessary feeling of this mortal experience that teaches us, that hones us, that can help us come to know more about Jesus Christ.

Else why was He a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief?

Recently, I had another painful week where I felt again the agony of Jake's loss. The pain of separation. The grief of death. It came unbidden and built from event to event but hit me like a powerful wave which I was helpless to control.

So it takes me down and pulls me under and finally I come up exhausted and spent. The experience is happening with less frequency, but when it comes, almost like when you physically get stomach sick and vomit, the feeling is the same.

Pain.

Raw and biting and profound. All the way through.

At the LDS widow/widower's conference there was a talk about grief that I loved. The speaker, Kent Allen, discusses the grieving process and sheds light on the experience of grieving. Here is the link:

Kent Allen's talk on the Grieving Process.

I've listened to it several times and shared it with our family members. I think his definition of loss and grief are insightful and so practical and helpful.

In defining loss he states, "Loss is when we lose hopes and dreams that are core to our existence."

So loss is when we lose hopes for our future. Lose dreams that we held dear. Lose plans that defined our existence.

And he explains that grieving is the process we go through that helps us let go of old hopes and dreams and helps us obtain new hopes and dreams.

And boy oh boy, it is a process.

There are many days when I feel that I have accepted our losses. That I can start to look forward and create new hopes and dreams. But then there are days where my mind rejects any form of acceptance and I just want our (mine and Jacob's) old hopes and dreams back.

So I am muddling through.

Kent Allen says that grieving "is an unlearned process. There is nothing in our lives that prepares us for loss. Even if our spouse was sick and we knew it was coming we could not be prepared for it. It is a feeling process, not a thinking process. You cannot think your way through it because it does not make any sense."

My experience with grief agress with his assessment 100 percent.

Our kids have been listening to musicals lately and one day I realized that many of the big hit musicals have a song that deals with the pain of loss, the ache of separation, the inexplicable nature of grief. That is what makes them compelling.

In Les Miserables, returning to the room where he met with his friends, Marius sings

There's a grief that can't be spoken,
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables,
Now my friends are dead and gone.

In The Phantom of the Opera, lamenting the death of her father, Christine sings

You were once
My one companion
You were all
That mattered
You were once
A friend and father
Then my world
Was shattered

Wishing you were
Somehow here again
Wishing you were
Somehow near
Sometimes it seemed
If I just dreamed
Somehow you would
Be here

And in the recent hit Hamilton, after the death of the Hamiltons' son, Angelica sings

There are moments that the words don't reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
And push away the unimaginable
The moments when you're in so deep
It feels easier to just swim down
The Hamilton's move uptown
And learn to live with the unimaginable 

On February 18, 2017, Elder Jeffery R. Holland posted the following on the LDS church Instagram account:

"I often think of those of you who are in the midst of a struggle. As much as we want life to be easy and comfortable, as much as I wish it could be that way for you, it simply cannot be. We are all, in one way or another, at one point in our lives, going to deal with a moral conundrum or a difficult issue without an easy answer.

At that point, we need to ask ourselves, 'How much does the gospel of Jesus Christ really mean to me?' How will you act when that call comes? Will you defend Christ and His gospel, come what may? "John Taylor wrote that he once heard Joseph Smith say to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, 'You will have all kinds of trials to pass through... God will feel after you, and He will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance in the Celestial Kingdom of God.'

"The life of Christ was like that. It is not coincidental that the word that he used for Christ's experience in Gethsemane is that He was in 'agony.' If we say we're disciples of Christ, we will on occasion be in agony. We must walk where He walked. When those moments come- contemporary issues, historical complexities, personal problems at home, challenges in a mission or a marriage, whatever it is- I pray and ask and bless you to the end that you will be strong. May you follow Christ with every ounce of your being, in good times and in bad."

And so that is what I will do. Follow Christ. Stay with Him. Soften my heart. Grieve and feel and mourn and ache. Hoping that one day it will make sense, that I will see the whole picture, that I will understand.

Lately

Hello again.

Long time no write. 

There is no real reason for it, and when I try and account for my days I don't come up with much but feel exhausted by 9:00 every night.

And I get in bed and watch a show or read and then am lucky if I can remain awake past 11:00. It has really cut down on my available time to  think  write. I miss it and hope as the kids sports seasons are ending to carve out more time for both. :)

I am learning that solo parenting is not for the faint hearted. 

I now add a million more kudos to the mothers and fathers out there who are raising young kids without a spouse. 

It is not just the extra set of hands that you miss, but someone to make decisions with and collaborate with and celebrate your children with. Their other parent. Who knows and loves and adores your kids like you do.  Others help and fill in the gaps but it's not quite the same. 

We just miss Jake around here and can say with certainty that he is irreplaceable. 

That said the kids seem to be having a much better school year. 

Praise the Lord.

For real. 

Just like how I can see from this vantage point how hard things were last year, the girls have also commented in the same vein. They've noticed how much better school is when they have friends. And how fun it is to play with kids after school. And how much they enjoy their sports and activities. 

I can't overstate the gratitude I feel that they are finding a niche here and making good friends and feeling comfortable. They are shy little people and I appreciate so much those who try, and try and try again to reach out to them. 

It is a miracle to me. 

Life asked a lot of our sweet little girls and boy to lose their beloved father, leave the only home they've ever known and walk home from school uphill in snow.  We had some hard days and hurting hearts for months and months, but like the little sapling I have felt springing up in me I can see the same thing happening in our children and am so grateful for new signs of life in them. 

My birthday started off our family birthday season and as it was a very painful day last year, I was anticipating the worst. 

So boy was I surprised when it turned out to be a wonderful day full of so much love and thoughtfulness and kindness and flowers and cookies and treats and presents and banners and balloons and muffins and surprises and parties and cake and ice cream. I was so touched by the kindness of friends locally and far away and our family members to think of me and show so much love. 

It really bound up my broken heart. 

Then the next weekend was General Conference.  

Wow. 

It was wonderful and real and pointed my heart again to the Savior. 

I was so encouraged and uplifted and grateful for many of the talks that were shared, but especially for some that addressed pain, hardship, unwanted life paths and miracles not forthcoming. For those of you who have had any of these challenges or wondered why or cannot make sense of happenings in your life this talk and this talk and this talk and this talk are for you. 

I also appreciated the emphasis on the power of the Book of Mormon (see this talk and this talk) to bring us unto Christ. The Savior has carried me through these last years and softened my heart and aligned my will with His and I have found Jesus most accessible through reading daily and at times desperately from the Book of Mormon. He is in that book. 

So that's my report. 

Later this month Ada is turning 8 and getting baptized.

It is an event that is both very exciting and a very painful as it is a major occasion, a saving ordinance, where Jake's physical presence will be sorely missed. 

I'm praying and praying for grace- that the Lord will comfort our hearts and fill us with His spirit and help us sense Jake's love and nearness and show His mercy to each of us, but especially to our tender hearted Ada. 

She is so dear and brave and uncomplaining. She is sad that Jake won't be here to baptize her but she is not angry or entitled. 

That amazes me.  

I did sense that the Lord will bless her for her submission and that no matter who baptizes her, the validity of the ordinance is unchanged and will be recognized forever in her behalf. 

It is of an eternal nature and will remain in force for her whole existence. 

And that to me is a miracle. 

To Know

I have hesitated in writing this post because my use of the Spanish language may not be completely accurate. I am not fluent in Spanish and do not possess the accurate linguistic/scholarly background to be anywhere close to an expert.

However, as I've thought on this idea for more than two years it has resonated so strongly with me that I hope to be able to, in some small way, convey its truth to you. 

As a missionary for our church, I was assigned to serve in Venezuela, a Spanish speaking country on the northern edge of South America. A country where today there is great suffering and hardship. I was very excited to begin my service at the Missionary Training Center, where I would be taught introductory Spanish for 8 weeks before being immersed into another country/culture/language for the following 16 months. 

I had taken some Spanish classes in high school and had some basic knowledge of verb construction and grammar usage, but it wasn't until I lived in Venezuela for close to a year that the underlying meanings of the language started to appear to me. 

I learned that there are some things that you can say using Spanish words- to convey feeling, thoughts, or emotion that are impossible to convey with the faculties of the English language. I wish there was a way to adequately describe in English this idea that can be so clearly conveyed in Spanish.

It is in this vein that I wanted to talk about the words "to know."  

In Spanish, there are two words you can use to describe the idea "to know."

One is Saber and the other is Conocer.

The verb you choose depends upon the context in which it is used. These verbs are not interchangeable. 

Saber is used to express knowledge or ignorance of a fact or information about something;  or to express knowledge of a certain skill. 

So saber is used to express that you know a fact, you know something thoroughly, or know how to do something. 

Conocer is used to say that one is or is not acquainted or familiar with a person, a place or an object.  

So conocer is used to say that you know, through acquaintance, a person, place or thing.

As missionaries we spent much of our time testifying of truths that we knew- "saber". We would use some conjugation of that verb many times a day to teach about the Savior, His plan and His commandments testifying of this knowledge using the verb "saber."

I was familiar with the verb "conocer," and used it frequently but in my limited sense of the meanings of the two words gave "conocer" less clout, less strength, less importance. 

Fast forward 11 years.  

Now I am 33 and without warning my dear husband is diagnosed with Gliablastoma multiforme, a terminal disease, just three months after we've welcomed our fourth child into the world.

I wrote at the time some of my feelings about that terrible experience. 

And from that day, unbeknownst to myself,  I started out on a path to "conocer." To know through my own experience and acquaintance some of the realities of life. 

I can see now that much of my knowledge was gained through a "saber" like experience. They were things I had been taught, believed and incorporated into my mental processes. They were things I knew through study and practice and effort spent learning to know about many of the workings of the world. They were things I had come to know through watching those around me, hearing about their experiences, asking questions. They were things I knew in a factual, concrete and impersonal sort of way. 

But now it was time to put that knowledge "saber"- to use in a much more intimate, personal, and meaningful way. It was time to know through experience- "conocer." It was time to become acquainted. 

It is one thing to know pain as an fact. It is another thing to become acquainted with pain. It is one thing to know fear as an fact. It is another thing to become acquainted with fear. It is one thing to know sorrow as an fact. It is another thing to become acquainted with sorrow. It is one thing to know grief as a fact. It is another thing to become acquainted with grief.  

I have had many experiences through the 27 months of Jacob's illness, and in the 16 months following his death that have helped me come to know "conocer" about life in ways that would have been nearly impossible to me before. 

I have come to know "conocer" some of the most important truths about our Father in Heaven, His plan for His children, and His Son Jesus Christ.  When my life was stripped down to bare bones and I had to decide what truly mattered, what I felt, and what I really wanted. Then I was ready and able to "conocer" the Savior, my Savior, in a way I could not have known Him before. 

I find it no coincidence that the scripture I chose from Isaiah 53 for my mission plaque- the verses that I felt represented my feelings for the Savior- use this wording:

 3 He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

 4 ¶Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

 5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

I think most of us have known individuals who have experienced great heartache, pain and sorrow in their lives and yet declare that they would not trade those experiences for anything because it is exactly through those refining trials that they came to know- to "conocer" God. 

In a beautiful talk called The Refiner's Fire, Elder James E. Faust shared the following experience and I quote:

"This message is to all, but especially to those who feel they have had more trials, sorrows, pricks, and thorns than they can bear and in their adversity are almost drowned in the waters of bitterness. It is intended as one of hope, strength, and deliverance.

Some years ago President David O. McKay (1873–1970) told of the experience of some of those in the Martin handcart company. Many of these early converts had emigrated from Europe and were too poor to buy oxen or horses and a wagon. They were forced by their poverty to pull handcarts containing all of their belongings across the plains by their own brute strength. President McKay related an occurrence which took place some years after the heroic exodus:

“A teacher, conducting a class, said it was unwise ever to attempt, even to permit them [the Martin handcart company] to come across the plains under such conditions.”

Then President McKay quoted an observer who was present in that class: “Some sharp criticism of the Church and its leaders was being indulged in for permitting any company of converts to venture across the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart caravan afforded.

“An old man in the corner … sat silent and listened as long as he could stand it, then he arose and said things that no person who heard him will ever forget. His face was white with emotion, yet he spoke calmly, deliberately, but with great earnestness and sincerity.

“In substance [he] said, ‘I ask you to stop this criticism. You are discussing a matter you know nothing about. Cold historic facts mean nothing here, for they give no proper interpretation of the questions involved. Mistake to send the Handcart Company out so late in the season? Yes. But I was in that company and my wife was in it and Sister Nellie Unthank whom you have cited was there, too. We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? …

“‘I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.’”

He continues: “‘I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

“‘Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company.’” 

End quote.

I will never say that what happened to Jacob was a good thing.

It was not.

I will never say that I am glad about, or like or wanted this experience to happen to him, to me, or to our children.

I did not.

But I can say that Jacob's disease was a vehicle that helped us both come to know"conocer" our Savior and our Father in Heaven in a way that made our acquaintance with them real and tangible and binding like no other experience in our lives has had the capacity to do.

It was a make or break experience.

Maybe this kind of knowledge- "conocer" or knowing through acquaintance, through experience is what the Savior meant when He spoke about eternal life in John 17:3-

"And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent."

Maybe the only way to live with them eternally is to become acquainted with them in mortality. To know them through experience. To "conocer." 

Dear friends

I am sitting here at 10:58 at night crying tears of gratitude. 

Yesterday and today I have been going through my email inbox and attending to things I put off for a long time.

And in the process I came across a document put together by our dear friend Barbara T. with emails she received from so many of our dear Phoenix friends as Jake was dying.  I remember her sending it months ago but did not read it until tonight.

And as I read each email, each kind offer to help, each desire to be of service, each broken heart for our suffering I could not hold back my emotions.

It is completely overwhelming to be loved so much by so many.

Oh dear Phoenix friends you were so good, so kind and so helpful to us in our desperate time of need and your beautiful words and desires to help moved me deeply tonight. Thank you for all you did for Jake and for me and for our children and our families in that difficult time.

And thank you to everyone near or far who offered prayers, wept and pleaded for our family as Jake left this mortal existence. I know that document is reflective of the love, hope and prayers of many others who knew of our circumstance and felt for our loss.

I cannot even put into words the gratitude I feel for each one of you and for your love that enveloped us. I can only witness that your love was truly Godlike and as sustaining as the air we breathed. 

Well did John observe: Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. 

Thank you for knowing Him.

And for loving us.

Alive

Hello friends.

I can't believe school is almost back in session. This summer has been good.

We were gone a lot.

The kids and I went on a fabulous trip back east which I will write about soon. Lauren went to our school districts 5th grade outdoor camp and then for the 4th of July week we went to Cody, Wyoming for a Robertson family reunion. The girls attended Camp Kesem for a week, we went to Ellie's soccer tournament in Park City and then we have a Romney family reunion to finish off the summer.

In between our travels we have been able to host friends from Phoenix in our home, see extended family members, invite friends over for play dates, eat lots of delicious food, go to pools and Utah's theme park Lagoon, take a bike ride up the canyon and just enjoy the wonder of outdoor living.

And somehow in this process and with time I can feel myself coming back to life.

I can't fully explain it with words, but you can probably imagine the experience.

When your spouse passes away a literal part of your being dies also.

And it is terrible. And it is agonizing. And you feel lost. And nothing has meaning. And it seems like it will be that way forever.

I can't say that I am healed, but I can say that I do not feel totally dead anymore.

And for that I am both amazed and grateful.

I tore this image out of the Ensign magazine last October.

It had great meaning for me during such a painful and dark time.

I hung it near my bed and looked to it for hope.

And for the first time I can feel inside what the image is depicting-  life springing up even in the midst of charred remains.

That little sapling is me.

God's love

I had the opportunity a few weeks ago to speak in the adult session of our stake conference meetings. I was grateful to be able to get to know people in this area better and to share some about our experience.

I prayed and thought and read and prayed some more to know what to share. And I felt guided in my preparations by the Holy Ghost. This talk was not easy to give and is incredibly personal. I was initially hesitant to share it here, but hope that it can be helpful to some.

In my preparation I was reluctant to re-read about Jake's cancer years, but knew that is what I needed to do to prepare. And in the process while I did remember some very hard things we experienced I was also so amazed by God's love, by His grace, and by the many evidences of His hand that were as real and moving and tangible as the pain we were experiencing.

He was there all along the way.

And He is still here for me.

And for you.

Today.

I am grateful for the opportunity to speak to you tonight. I am a young widow. My beloved husband, Jake, died last April after being diagnosed with glioblastoma stage IV brain cancer in February of 2014. Our kids and I moved into the stake last August to be closer to my parents and Jacob’s parents, who both live in Orem.

Jake’s cancer presented suddenly, and from one day to the next we went from being your typical growing Mormon family with three young girls and a 2 month old baby boy to being a family struggling with the realities of a terminal disease.

Jake lived for 27 months after diagnosis, surpassing the average 14-month life expectancy and in that time we learned much about Heavenly Father, His Son Jesus Christ and their love for us.

In an October 2007 conference talk entitled “O Remember, Remember” Elder Eyring told how as a young father he would record experiences each day of how he saw the hand of God reaching out to touch his family. As he made this a regular practice he said he could “see evidence of what God had done for one of them that he had not recognized in the busy moments of the day.” He concluded his talk by asking, “Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder, asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him.”

As I prepared to talk on God’s love, I re-read a journal I kept from the months of October 2014 – May of 2015 and felt prompted to share portions of that record with you tonight.  These are direct quotes from entries I wrote during the thick of Jacob’s illness and are a record of God’s interactions with me.  My hope in sharing these is that you may be able to recognize God’s love for you in your own life and remember times when He has reached out to help you and those you love.  

And I quote:

October 5, 2014

I felt comfort from the spirit in knowing that many people- faithful, good, innocent people like Nephi, Joseph Smith, and the Savior himself suffered through many trials not of their own making but stayed true to God and kept the commandments. Why should I think to earn a great reward if I shrink from this experience of trial and testing in my life?

I do not know many things. And some of the things I had hoped, planned and worked for seem almost out of reach. But this I know- I have planted my feet long ago with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I can pass through any trial or experience by His side. I know that Jesus lives. I know that He loves me. He laid down his life as a sign and token of that love. I do not know what lies in my future, but I trust Him and know that as I stand with Him and look to our Father in Heaven things will work out and all will be well.

October 13, 2014

Job 7:11 “I will not refrain my mouth. I will speak in the anguish of my spirit. I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.” Oh boy- I can relate with him there. I absolutely hate cancer. I hate the uncertainty of my life. I hate being on a freight train out of control. I hate the weight of disease that is constantly pressing down on us. I hate the burdens cancer has placed on this already busy and occupied time of life. I hate that this is happening to my husband. I hate that our innocent children stand to lose so much. I hate that I cannot know how this will play out. I hate not knowing why this is happening.

November 8, 2014

I am so grateful. My heart is full and I feel much love and gratitude for my Savior. I am learning more about Him and coming to know Him better. I am gaining perspective and depth and humility through this experience and can rely on the Savior through it all. I trusted Him enough in the pre-mortal world to know that he would play his part in the plan of salvation and I will continue to trust Him still.

December 2, 2014

Tonight I felt again that the Savior alone knows that I am going through because He has walked this road before. As I heard about His suffering in the garden, his scourging, his beating and mocking, his crucifixion and finally the withdrawal of His Father’s spirit I realized again that He- the lamb without blemish- had something so unjust and undeserved and difficult placed before Him- so why should I be exempt from my own pain and suffering? The son of man hath descended below them all- Art thou (Jordan) greater than He?

February 16, 2015

I also felt an overwhelming sense of submission to the Savior and with that came a serenity that I have never before experienced. The scan and new cancer spot in Jake’s brain were a reminder that we are not in charge, that this disease is so real and that no matter the outcome we have little control of this cancer- but full control of how we face it.

February 28, 2015

And then last night, for me, the bad guy came. And because I was worn down I let him in- with thoughts of fear and anxiety and doubt. It felt again like a dark cloud came and settled over me. I could feel it and Jake also recognized that I was not ok. I decided to go to the temple. The session was instructive and afterward I sat alone in the celestial room for an hour. I prayed and read scriptures and cried and prayed again. And in that time I was changed. As I expressed the feelings of my heart to Heavenly Father and read verses in Isaiah chapters 50, 51 and 53 it led me to Romans 8- especially the last verses of the chapter. I read about the love of God- manifest through Christ the Lord and felt my heart, my cracked soul, my crumbling foundation shored up, enveloped, bound by that love. Nothing about my circumstance changed- but being able to recognize and feel of God’s love changed everything for me. As long as I stay in His love and hold to it I can make it.

March 19, 2015

My life is such a rollercoaster. I recovered somewhat from my slump last weekend. These heavy emotions erupted and oozed out and I feel again like they are on the shoulders of the Savior. I am so grateful for Him. I do not know how it happens- only that it does happen again and again that He takes this heavy burden away from me. Yes, the realities are still there but the heaviness rests on Him.

April 28, 2015

Jacob is in having his MRI done and I am sitting crying my heart out in a parking lot. I don’t feel good about the outcome. He has not been well the last two weeks and is showing signs of impairment. I do not know what to do. I do not know what is coming, but I will stay with my Savior. I need Him to carry me through. I pray that He may succor Jacob and grant him special peace and relief.

May 19, 2015

The weekend was rough. Really rough. After what were 2 very hard days, Jake commented on my negative attitude- that had prevailed since they found the largest tumor yet at his April 28 scan. I was mad at first- I had every reason to be negative. His cancer was raging, we were all vomiting, Ellie had a bacterial skin infection and Jake was in extreme pain for 24 hours.  But he was right. The negative seed that had been planted was growing and I was giving it life. It is so hard, because while I have every reason to be negative and mad the only person it hurts- I mean really hurts- is me. And in this situation the last thing I need is to hurt even more.

May 24, 2015

I felt the spirit today at church. There wasn’t anything earth shattering said- just lessons on faith and marriage but I came home feeling lighter. Nothing about our situation had changed but my heart- and that seemed to help dispel the darkness. I think the adversary has been working on us overtime. In these last few weeks we have suffered some blows that have caused me to grow tepid in my spiritual strength. It seems to have no point-as the things I pray for don’t even happen and the things I dread do. It makes it hard to see the point. But today I was reminded that the point isn’t always the outcome- but the process that occurs in my heart when I pray and exercise faith in the Savior. That may be the biggest point of all. 

End Quotes.

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This week I needed to remember how much God loves me and how much I still need Him.  I am so grateful for my record of His dealings with me and my family in these difficult times. And I am still in it. I have moments in which I feel to rejoice and hours where sorrow is my companion. But the one constant in all of my days has been the Lord, even Jesus Christ. I am a witness of God’s love manifest through our Savior. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

Through the tumultuous storms of Jake’s disease, his death, and now widowhood Christ has been with me, He has carried me, He has comforted me and He has loved me. I know that He stands ready to help each of you through whatever trials you will face. Look to Him. Trust Him. Turn to Him. Stay with Him. He is the only Way.                           

Widowing

This weekend I attended the LDS Widows and Widowers Conference.

My dear widowed friend Sarah, who I'd only talked to on the phone flew into town to attend with me and I was so grateful to go with her.

I have to say that the conference was actually very helpful. It was not easy to attend, nor was I thrilled to be a part of this group, but there was something very strengthening in being with people who know this pain and are trying to walk this difficult road.

Several people I've told asked if it was some sort of widowed meat market, but as the women outnumbered the men 10 to one, and the young women outnumbered the young men 50 to 1 I can safely say no. I'm sure you can find what you are looking for, but the organizers specifically work to make the conference a helpful and instructive experience to aid you as you process the loss of your spouse.

I wrote down a lot of notes and appreciated the different presenters, topics and ideas that were shared. There are actually archives of the past conference HERE, so if you weren't able to attend or would like to listen again you have that resource.

I also think that although the conference was specifically designed for widows and widowers, many of the talks shared would be helpful to listen to if you are a family member or close friend, if you have married a widow/er, or if you have lost a child or a father or mother to death. Many aspects of loss are universal and we could all benefit by learning more about the process of grieving.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen spoke at this conference and made the interesting observation that while he was sitting by his spouse on the stand it occurred to him that either one of the other of them would become part of this group some day.  Being separated by death from our spouse is something NONE of us want, but it is a reality that ALL of us will experience.

The most helpful part of the conference for me was meeting, talking to and being with other young widows. We were such a small segment of the group and yet I found great strength in knowing that I am really not alone, that others know this pain, and in learning from their experiences. Meeting and being with these girls was such a gift for me.

It was also interesting to observe that widowhood crosses all segments of life- it is very cross-sectional. There were people of all different backgrounds, ages, employments, locations, experiences, you name it attending the conference and no two experiences were the same.

There is no recipe for what makes you a widow/widower, what keeps you from it, or why it happens. Seeing all of the different people there and knowing that we all have lost a spouse affirms my belief that DEATH JUST HAPPENS. Yes, God knows the timetable of our lives, but he is not orchestrating our destruction. Rather He lets us be subject to the laws of our fallen world. Accidents happen, bodies break, disease infiltrates, breath ceases and people die. It is mistaken to think that some are more equipped, stronger, more capable, or better able to handle the death of their spouse. Or that faith was lacking, miracles were short or some individuals were more needed in heaven than others.

As I looked into the faces of the people in the room I felt great comfort in knowing that the death of our spouse happened to all of us, and in whatever state of mind, heart, economics, age, life experience, relationship, finances, or spirituality we were in Heavenly Father was there to meet us in our brokenness and offer us HIS relief- the relief that comes in and through His Son, Jesus Christ.

Talk after talk seemed to reiterate this view that I am coming to gain for myself. None of us can make it. It is more that any of us can handle. We are not enough and cannot do it on our own. But with the Savior we can move forward and I left with great hope from the words and experiences shared that somehow, sometime, someway my life will have great meaning and purpose and joy again.

ARCHIVE WW CONFERENCE LINK

Blessed peace

After what was certainly a roller-coaster ride month I have felt great peace again the last few days.

I am so so so so so so grateful for peace. 

I don't think that I fully appreciated what a gift it is. I don't think I'd ever felt it in such great measure.

Many people talk about the Savior's promise of peace that passeth all understanding and I had an idea of what that meant. 

But throughout this journey I can cite several instances where a palpable, tangible peace has come to my mind, to my heart and to my soul that under the circumstances- what my literal mind could see and understand and feel- made no sense. 

I now know what the scripture is talking about. That even when you are in the terrible storm, the billowing waves, the tossing sea your heart is at peace and there is a great calm. 

It is a contrast of opposites to have the world swirling around you, out of control and completely upended and yet feel an all encompassing, encircling, enriching peace. 

I only wish it could stay with me all the time. 

In the first weeks after Jake died I believe that peace came as a great gift of grace. I did nothing to deserve it and it was my constant companion.

But somehow over the intervening months as life has normalized and the cares of the day have taken more space in my mind and heart I have had to make more exertion to find that blessed relief. That peace. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I do not think that God works on a formula or has stringent requirements for sending us peace, but I do know that for me, my heart and mind must be open and willing so that I can recognize and receive that help. And that takes work and time and humbling and listening and gratitude and consistent seeking to receive of His peace. 

I do not have a formula, or an exact description of how to obtain that blessed relief. I do know that such great peace comes from the atonement of Jesus Christ and is one of the greatest gifts He can offer us in this life. To exchange pain for peace. To exchange heartache for peace. To exchange sorrow for peace. To offer peace under any circumstance for He alone is The Prince of Peace. 

I can tell you things that help me when I am in the muck and mire to find His peace. This is partly for my own reference later on when, inevitably, I fall off of the cliff and need to remember how to get back up again. 

Remembering is so important. 

These are in no particular order, but are all things that combined, have brought me the Savior's peace even in the pain of loss. 

Prayer

I miss kneeling and praying with Jake every night before going to bed. It was one of my favorite parts of our marriage. I did learn much from hearing him pray though and am often reminded of things he would say or express in prayer and uplifted from the memories. 

I pray what I am really thinking. If I am struggling, upset, mad or envious I express those feelings in my prayers, asking Heavenly Father to meet me where I am and help me search and understand my own heart. 

I find myself praying with more earnestness but also more simply when I am in a particularly dark time. In those prayers I just express my struggle, my heartache or grief, but also remind Heavenly Father (and myself!) of my commitment to stay with Him and of my love for Him and His Son. 

And I always, always, always ask for the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Sometimes that is my only request for the day. 

Temple

Since moving to Provo and living just 5 minutes away from (two) temples I have made it a priority to attend the temple every week. I really can't think of anything better that I could be doing with my time and going regularly to the temple has helped me to keep a better perspective on my challenges.

I am not a big picture kind of girl. I really love details and minutia and organization and can often get so bogged down by the little things that I loose sight of the whole. Jake was so good at the big picture stuff, keeping perspective and having vision. I think that is what made us a good team and I often feel lost without him to pull me out of the muck of little things.

So I go to the temple. Regularly. And EVERY time that I am there I am reminded. Of the big picture. The eternal one. The one that shows us where we came from and why we are here and where we are going and that offers us binding covenants to make ALL of that effective. 

There is nowhere else that I have been that offers me such a grand view of eternity and pulls me from my minutia to view the whole picture. His picture. And being reminded of the whole picture helps me when I'm drowning in the reality of the specks. 

Scriptures

One of the great gifts I've been given in this life is a love for the scriptures. I really is a spiritual gift that I did nothing to deserve or merit, but I am not put off by the scriptures and often find great comfort as I read them. 

I try and read at least a few verses every night before going to bed. I am a night person and my mind is more open and ready to receive when I read the scriptures that way. I usually read cover to cover, but have also studied topically or thematically from the scriptures.  There have been many nights in the last few years where I did not feel like reading. I was too mad or too tired or too sad. And sometimes I didn't. But when I do just open up the books, and read even a verse or two my heart is comforted and I feel more peace.

I just spoke to the youth from church and told them about my experience of reading the Book of Mormon while Jake was sick and how I approached it as a journal- writing down my thoughts, questions, feelings and circling only what meant something to me at the time. And in that process I changed. My heart changed. And I became willing to trust in the Lord no matter the outcome. My circumstances only got worse, but somehow reading the scriptures and experiencing that actual change of heart prepared me, enabled me to face it. There is no other explanation for it. 

Recently, as I started reading the Book of Mormon again these verses in the introduction stood out to me. "The Book of Mormon...puts forth the doctrines of the gospel, outlines the plan of salvation and tells men what they must do to gain peace in this life and eternal salvation in the life to come"

If there is any better place to find instruction on what we must to do gain peace in this life I am unaware of it. The scriptures are a great key to finding peace for me.

Self-care

Doing things to take care of myself has become even more important. When Jake was alive, even throughout his illness, he could see when I was going down and would always give me encouragement to do whatever I needed to do to take care of myself. He would just take over- the house, the kids, the responsibilities so that I could have time to process these great swells of pain. 

But he is not here to help me in that way anymore. So I have to be very contentious in making time and space for myself. I have been very grateful for both mine and Jacob's parents who have come regularly to help me with our kids and give me some very needed time off. Being on the clock ALL OF THE TIME is exhausting. Truly exhausting. So I find people to help and spell me from the weight of parenting 24/7. 

I finally feel more desire/ability to exercise and have gone to a yoga class weekly for a few months and have tried to go on a hike weekly since the weather has improved. It feels really good to move again, be outside and breathe. 

I also do things to pamper myself a little bit, so that life doesn't feel continuously heavy and hard. I get a monthly massage, have my hair done regularly and find enjoyment in occasional retail therapy. For me, getting a new outfit can really boost my mood and help my spirits improve. 

Counseling

I am a 100 percent believer in the benefits of professional counseling. I think that everyone, even those not facing tragic or traumatic circumstances could benefit from speaking with a trained professional, but to those who are really going through something bigger than yourself there are great resources to be found through professional counseling services. 

I started seeing my counselor shortly after Jake was diagnosed, and through the use of technology I am still able to visit with her regularly even though we live in different states. I do not know where I would be without the help that she has given me and the tools she has been able to offer.

I am a great beneficiary of EMDR, a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress as a result of disturbing life experiences and continue to be helped by my counselor through this treatment as I process my grief. I know that my mind has been healed from some distressing experiences and harrowing thoughts because of the counseling I have received. 

Serving

For me, a great antidote to my sorrow and pain is serving others. Luckily I have the ability to serve four little people every day, all day and while the continuity of that service can be draining there is nothing that I would rather be doing. I am grateful that the main focus of my days is on what our children need and how I can care for and nurture them. 

I also have opportunities to serve through the church. I am working in the Primary and serve as one of two Primary choristers who get to teach the children in our ward songs about the Savior and His gospel each Sunday. I am coming to love these sweet children and am grateful for how they have so easily opened their hearts to me and our kids. It is a gift to be with them. 

When I am especially feeling low, it helps me to remember that although I feel shattered there are still things that I can do for those around me. Things as simple as sending a text telling someone thank you for helping me that day, or writing an email to let someone know I was thinking of them or just praying for someone who needs a boost are things that I can do to help others and draw me out of my own pool of self-pity and sorrow. 

Jake learned that especially as he started to loose his physical abilities. There is always something we can do to serve others and that service will, in turn, help our own aching hearts.

Other people

There should be a more eloquent title to write about how I am so often able to find peace, and hope and strength from the acts and love and service and prayers of other people. 

It is impossible to describe, but the ability of dear friends, beloved family members, and even strangers to continue, even a year later, to reach out to me, encourage me, remind me and love me with such intensity and intent has been miraculous.  I cannot thank you enough. Truly, the things you do to share the Savior's love with me and our children are so meaningful and combine to remind us again of His peace. 

In the last month I had numberless interactions with so many of you that gave me strength and courage and helped me to not feel so alone. Each hug, phone call, text message, loaf of bread, visit, postcard, dinner invitation, playdate, email, hike, letter, flower, FB/IG message, prayer and every other correspondence was so needed and appreciated.  I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for such an amazing circle of supporters. We would be lost without you.

I felt such a tangible peace descend on our home on the one year anniversary of Jake's death. It came after days of much grief and pain and was a palpable peace that the kids and I could all feel as a response to so many prayers offered in our behalf. That gift of peace seemed to provide the start of another change of heart for me as I was able to use many of these resources in the last weeks to soften my heart, to bend, to trust God even as I ached for my best friend and husband. 

I've often thought that I know what is best for me. 

I thought (and still often think) that the best thing for me to have in this life is living, breathing, heart-beating Jake. It is what I really want.

But because I can't have that now, because that is not my reality, I am beginning to think that what I need instead, what I can have at this time, what is best for me is Peace.

His Peace. 

The peace that really does pass all understanding. That emanates from the Savior himself and comes in exchange for heartache, for pain, for grief. 

My hope for all of us is that we can find peace- real, tangible, lasting peace in Jesus Christ. As the Savior said, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world."