I prayed and thought and read and prayed some more to know what to share. And I felt guided in my preparations by the Holy Ghost. This talk was not easy to give and is incredibly personal. I was initially hesitant to share it here, but hope that it can be helpful to some.
In my preparation I was reluctant to re-read about Jake's cancer years, but knew that is what I needed to do to prepare. And in the process while I did remember some very hard things we experienced I was also so amazed by God's love, by His grace, and by the many evidences of His hand that were as real and moving and tangible as the pain we were experiencing.
He was there all along the way.
And He is still here for me.
And for you.
Today.
I am grateful for the opportunity to speak to you tonight. I
am a young widow. My beloved husband, Jake, died last April after being
diagnosed with glioblastoma stage IV brain cancer in February of 2014. Our kids
and I moved into the stake last August to be closer to my parents and
Jacob’s parents, who both live in Orem.
Jake’s cancer presented suddenly, and from one day to the
next we went from being your typical growing Mormon family with three young
girls and a 2 month old baby boy to being a family struggling with the
realities of a terminal disease.
Jake lived for 27 months after diagnosis, surpassing the average
14-month life expectancy and in that time we learned much about Heavenly
Father, His Son Jesus Christ and their love for us.
In an October 2007 conference talk entitled “O Remember, Remember”
Elder Eyring told how as a young father he would record experiences each day of
how he saw the hand of God reaching out to touch his family. As he made this a
regular practice he said he could “see evidence of what God had done for one of
them that he had not recognized in the busy moments of the day.” He concluded
his talk by asking, “Tonight, and tomorrow night, you might pray and ponder,
asking the questions: Did God send a message that was just for me? Did I see
His hand in my life or the lives of my children? I will do that. And then I
will find a way to preserve that memory for the day that I, and those that I
love, will need to remember how much God loves us and how much we need Him.”
As I prepared to talk on God’s love, I re-read a journal I
kept from the months of October 2014 – May of 2015 and felt prompted to share
portions of that record with you tonight. These are direct quotes from entries I wrote during
the thick of Jacob’s illness and are a record of God’s interactions with me. My hope in sharing these is that you may be
able to recognize God’s love for you in your own life and remember times when
He has reached out to help you and those you love.
October 5, 2014
I felt comfort from the spirit in knowing that many people-
faithful, good, innocent people like Nephi, Joseph Smith, and the Savior
himself suffered through many trials not of their own making but stayed true to
God and kept the commandments. Why should I think to earn a great reward if I
shrink from this experience of trial and testing in my life?
I do not know many things. And some of the things I had
hoped, planned and worked for seem almost out of reach. But this I know- I have
planted my feet long ago with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and I can pass
through any trial or experience by His side. I know that Jesus lives. I know
that He loves me. He laid down his life as a sign and token of that love. I do
not know what lies in my future, but I trust Him and know that as I stand with
Him and look to our Father in Heaven things will work out and all will be well.
October 13, 2014
Job 7:11 “I will not refrain my mouth. I will speak in the
anguish of my spirit. I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.” Oh boy- I
can relate with him there. I absolutely hate cancer. I hate the uncertainty of
my life. I hate being on a freight train out of control. I hate the weight of
disease that is constantly pressing down on us. I hate the burdens cancer has
placed on this already busy and occupied time of life. I hate that this is
happening to my husband. I hate that our innocent children stand to lose so
much. I hate that I cannot know how this will play out. I hate not knowing why
this is happening.
November 8, 2014
I am so grateful. My heart is full and I feel much love and
gratitude for my Savior. I am learning more about Him and coming to know Him
better. I am gaining perspective and depth and humility through this experience
and can rely on the Savior through it all. I trusted Him enough in the pre-mortal
world to know that he would play his part in the plan of salvation and I will
continue to trust Him still.
December 2, 2014
Tonight I felt again that the Savior alone knows that I am
going through because He has walked this road before. As I heard about His
suffering in the garden, his scourging, his beating and mocking, his crucifixion
and finally the withdrawal of His Father’s spirit I realized again that He- the
lamb without blemish- had something so unjust and undeserved and difficult
placed before Him- so why should I be exempt from my own pain and suffering? The son of man hath descended below them all- Art thou (Jordan) greater than He?
February 16, 2015
I also felt an overwhelming sense of submission to the
Savior and with that came a serenity that I have never before experienced. The
scan and new cancer spot in Jake’s brain were a reminder that we are not in
charge, that this disease is so real and that no matter the outcome we have
little control of this cancer- but full control of how we face it.
February 28, 2015
And then last night, for me, the bad guy came. And because I
was worn down I let him in- with thoughts of fear and anxiety and doubt. It
felt again like a dark cloud came and settled over me. I could feel it and Jake
also recognized that I was not ok. I decided to go to the temple. The session
was instructive and afterward I sat alone in the celestial room for an hour. I
prayed and read scriptures and cried and prayed again. And in that time I was
changed. As I expressed the feelings of my heart to Heavenly Father and read
verses in Isaiah chapters 50, 51 and 53 it led me to Romans 8- especially the
last verses of the chapter. I read about the love of God- manifest through
Christ the Lord and felt my heart, my cracked soul, my crumbling foundation
shored up, enveloped, bound by that love. Nothing about my circumstance
changed- but being able to recognize and feel of God’s love changed everything
for me. As long as I stay in His love and hold to it I can make it.
March 19, 2015
My life is such a rollercoaster. I recovered somewhat from
my slump last weekend. These heavy emotions erupted and oozed out and I feel
again like they are on the shoulders of the Savior. I am so grateful for Him. I
do not know how it happens- only that it does happen again and again that He
takes this heavy burden away from me. Yes, the realities are still there but
the heaviness rests on Him.
April 28, 2015
Jacob is in having his MRI done and I am sitting crying my
heart out in a parking lot. I don’t feel good about the outcome. He has not
been well the last two weeks and is showing signs of impairment. I do not know
what to do. I do not know what is coming, but I will stay with my Savior. I
need Him to carry me through. I pray that He may succor Jacob and grant him special
peace and relief.
May 19, 2015
The weekend was rough. Really rough. After what were 2 very
hard days, Jake commented on my negative attitude- that had prevailed since
they found the largest tumor yet at his April 28 scan. I was mad at first- I
had every reason to be negative. His cancer was raging, we were all vomiting,
Ellie had a bacterial skin infection and Jake was in extreme pain for 24
hours. But he was right. The negative
seed that had been planted was growing and I was giving it life. It is so hard,
because while I have every reason to be negative and mad the only person it hurts-
I mean really hurts- is me. And in this situation the last thing I need is to
hurt even more.
May 24, 2015
I felt the spirit today at church. There wasn’t anything
earth shattering said- just lessons on faith and marriage but I came home
feeling lighter. Nothing about our situation had changed but my heart- and that
seemed to help dispel the darkness. I think the adversary has been working on
us overtime. In these last few weeks we have suffered some blows that have
caused me to grow tepid in my spiritual strength. It seems to have no point-as
the things I pray for don’t even happen and the things I dread do. It makes it
hard to see the point. But today I was reminded that the point isn’t always the
outcome- but the process that occurs in my heart when I pray and exercise faith
in the Savior. That may be the biggest point of all.
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This week I needed to remember how much God loves me and how
much I still need Him. I am so grateful
for my record of His dealings with me and my family in these difficult times.
And I am still in it. I have moments in which I feel to rejoice and hours where
sorrow is my companion. But the one constant in all of my days has been the
Lord, even Jesus Christ. I am a witness of God’s love manifest through our
Savior. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”
Through the tumultuous storms of Jake’s disease,
his death, and now widowhood Christ has been with me, He has carried me, He has
comforted me and He has loved me. I know that He stands ready to help each of
you through whatever trials you will face. Look to Him. Trust Him. Turn to Him.
Stay with Him. He is the only Way.
7 comments:
A powerful theme that stuck out to me from your talk was the importance of journaling. The experiences that you shared are faith inspiring and will bless your life and your posterity's as well. I haven't been writing in my journal much the past couple years, but you have reminded me of the importance of writing on a regular basis and recording the ways in which I have felt God's love for me. Thank you.
Jordan you are a wonderful writer. I can almost feel your pain and struggle through your words. Your post reminds me of John 6:68-69. If we turn away from the Lord where do we go for the comfort and support we need. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Jordan. I always appreciate your insights and testimony.
So glad you finally updated. I've gotten so use to getting my Jord advice and inspiration, that these long droughts of no posts are lame. ;) I really needed to hear some of the things you shared. Love you so much.
I too am very grateful to read your words tonight. Thank you for putting your feelings to words and for listening to the inspiration to share them. You are so loved. Connie
Thanks so much for sharing these entries, Jord. I am amazed by you and Jake, and your courage and faithfulness. Usually, the younger ones look to those older as heroes, but you and Jake are heroes to me. I love you both.
vfr
Powerful stuff. Thanks, Jordan.
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