Two years

I have had so many feelings about this day.

There is so much that you think about and relive and remember as your spouse was dying and on the day they died. All month I have had images, memories, conversations, and experiences run through my mind about that time. Jake's final weeks on earth.

I feel like I am in a different place and can understand what happened to us with a little more clarity.

We were so worn down by the end of Jake's disease.

I have been reading a journal I kept through those months before he died and over and over wrote about how we both wondered how long we could keep going and what was in store. I can look back and see how exhausted we were from battling his disease and pursuing every option we knew of for treatment.

I also have felt increased sympathy for the pain and heartache we experienced in those final weeks. It's almost as though I am an outside observer, looking in at those heart-wrenching scenes in my mind and my heart aches for the family I am watching. For those 3 little girls and the 2 year old boy who are spending their last moments with their Dad. For the wife who is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. For the husband who is in the depths of sorrow and does not want to die. It is impossibly heavy and I feel for our situation now more than I ever could when we were in it.

Having this new perspective also enables me to gain a better sense of what everyone around us was experiencing. How our friends and family members were aching for our family and how their heavy hearts were burdened and mournful and broken. Oh dear ones, I feel for your pain. I am so sorry but yet so grateful that all of you were willing to go down this difficult road with us. That we were not alone. All week I have had kindness pouring in- letters in the mail, plants delivered, hugs shared, cookies dropped off, texts and emails and messages communicating one message.

Love.

Pure and compassionate and filling in the gaps of my broken heart kind of love. Thank you for being so wonderful and kind to us even as your own hearts are heavy. That is the definition of charity- the pure love of Christ. 

I have also newly ached for what Jake experienced as he died. He could not communicate much in those final days and I do not have any sense of what that pain and suffering was like for him. As his body ceased to function, as his organs and systems closed down and as his life ended. I could always sense that he was terribly heavy and sorrowful and have felt increased sorrow for the lonely road he trod.

I have spent many days wondering how we did it? How did we get through those days? How did we carry that heavy burden? How did we march toward Jake's death, knowing it was inevitable but fearing it nonetheless?  I cannot understand it.

I have also remembered many scenes from after Jake's death. His funeral, his memorial service and his burial. I remember meeting with scores of friends and family members. Hugging, crying, remembering. It was very bitter-sweet.

This whole month has been one of constant remembering. It is good to remember. It is good to feel. It helps me see that with all that was difficult, heavy, trying and impossible there was so much that was encouraging, uplifting, peace giving and love imparting.

And today, two years after Jacob died I would say that my prevailing feeling has been one of gratitude. I know that seems impossible, but as I sit here typing it out that is the overwhelming feeling that comes to my heart.

I am grateful to be alive.

I am grateful to be sealed to Jake.

I am grateful for our four beautiful and thriving children.

I am grateful for the sun that warms each day.

I am grateful for a home that is a sanctuary for our family.

I am grateful for devoted and caring friends, co-workers, ward members and neighbors both past and present.

I am grateful for supportive family members.

I am grateful for scriptures, the temple and prayer.

I am grateful for Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world.

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who holds the reigns.

Recently I found notes Jake wrote from a testimony that he gave in church one month after he was diagnosed with a GMB. I leave them with you to consider as you go about this new week.

And I quote,

1. My life is a gift from God

2. People are good

3. A lot of people pass through hard things and learn how to better mourn with those who mourn

4. Priesthood leaders, including the bishop, are inspired

5. Few things bring the spirit more strongly than selfless service

6. God hears and answers prayers of our friends from all faiths

7. Living the word of wisdom gives us spiritual and physical strength

8. God loves children and hears and answers their prayers

9. Priesthood blessings are a gift from God to bless our lives

10. The words from the prophets and apostles are inspired

11. The temple brings peace by giving us an eternal perspective

12. God lives. He knows me and loves me and those I love.

End quote.

LDS General Conference

Wow, that was a power packed general conference experience! I loved it so much and felt the spirit renew my faith and enthusiasm for the work.

For those of you who don't know, general conference is a semi annual gathering of the LDS church where instead of meeting in our regular local church meetinghouses, the entire world wide membership of the church gathers to hear messages from our prophet and apostles. These messages are streamed through various sources and families often gather in their homes to watch the conference sessions held over a Saturday and Sunday the first weekend in April and October. Some members outside of the United States gather to local meetinghouses to watch broadcasts of these meetings.

I have always loved general conference. It is a spiritual lift to my life and offers me the chance to reevaluate where my heart is and ally myself closer to the Savior. I love spending a weekend hearing talks prepared through inspiration that remind me of my purpose here on earth and help me renew my dedication to faith in Jesus Christ.

Once a general conference session is over, the talks shared in those two days become the basis for much of our instruction in church meetings over the following six months. Members are encouraged to re-read different discourses and listen to the talks again as much as possible. In the last month I've started training for a half-marathon and have used my running time to listen to general conference talks. It has really been an enlightening time for me and I often come back from a run with inspiration about a problem or a change of heart about an issue after having listened to a conference talk.

I especially loved this conference session as there were many changes made to programs of the church. It was so exciting I didn't want to miss a single session for fear of not being in the know about was going on. I would say the feeling was almost pentecostal in the revelation and inspiration present as the changes were announced and explained. I felt the Holy Ghost in great measure as President Nelson invited the men to stand in the priesthood session (start at 12:50), calling them to arise by quorum and then sing "Rise up, O Men of God." It was incredible.

I am also so grateful for the new Ministering program of the church. Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints take seriously the Lord's instruction to watch over the church and care for the members of our local congregations.  As our family has been the beneficiary of this sort of loving, insightful, and ministering care for years I can see the benefit of this intuitive service in the lives of more members of the church.

Elder Jeffery R. Holland gave a talk entitled "Be with and strengthen them," explaining the change from home teaching to ministering.  To cite an example of what that effort means, he shared a story about a couple in Arizona who had a medical emergency and talked about how in that moment of extreme crisis the husband had the thought to call their home teacher.

I sat and listened to this story with tears in my eyes as I could personally relate to that experience. It was in the middle of the night on Sunday, March 8 when I woke to Jake having a grand mal seizure in our bed. Terrified and not knowing what to do, the thought came to my mind to call our home teacher Blair Smart. He had been our former bishop and was a dear friend and had been, for only the last month, serving as our home teacher. His name was the first that came to my mind on that terrible night and he and his dear wife Gina were at our home within minutes, helping me watch over Jake until the paramedics arrived, following the ambulance to the hospital and taking charge of our children in the morning when they woke up and we were gone. They were and are our dear friends and I knew instinctively that I could call on them at any time for help.

Ministering seems to be an invitation to learn to love people, to befriend people, to help people and to get to know people on a level so that when and if a need arises you will come to mind as a person they can call for help. The Savior is that person for all of us, but I am so grateful for Blair and Gina and for many other people like them who stand in for Him and answer the call to minister to the temporal and spiritual needs of His people.