I have had so many feelings about this day.
There is so much that you think about and relive and remember as your spouse was dying and on the day they died. All month I have had images, memories, conversations, and experiences run through my mind about that time. Jake's final weeks on earth.
I feel like I am in a different place and can understand what happened to us with a little more clarity.
We were so worn down by the end of Jake's disease.
I have been reading a journal I kept through those months before he died and over and over wrote about how we both wondered how long we could keep going and what was in store. I can look back and see how exhausted we were from battling his disease and pursuing every option we knew of for treatment.
I also have felt increased sympathy for the pain and heartache we experienced in those final weeks. It's almost as though I am an outside observer, looking in at those heart-wrenching scenes in my mind and my heart aches for the family I am watching. For those 3 little girls and the 2 year old boy who are spending their last moments with their Dad. For the wife who is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. For the husband who is in the depths of sorrow and does not want to die. It is impossibly heavy and I feel for our situation now more than I ever could when we were in it.
Having this new perspective also enables me to gain a better sense of what everyone around us was experiencing. How our friends and family members were aching for our family and how their heavy hearts were burdened and mournful and broken. Oh dear ones, I feel for your pain. I am so sorry but yet so grateful that all of you were willing to go down this difficult road with us. That we were not alone. All week I have had kindness pouring in- letters in the mail, plants delivered, hugs shared, cookies dropped off, texts and emails and messages communicating one message.
Love.
Pure and compassionate and filling in the gaps of my broken heart kind of love. Thank you for being so wonderful and kind to us even as your own hearts are heavy. That is the definition of charity- the pure love of Christ.
I have also newly ached for what Jake experienced as he died. He could not communicate much in those final days and I do not have any sense of what that pain and suffering was like for him. As his body ceased to function, as his organs and systems closed down and as his life ended. I could always sense that he was terribly heavy and sorrowful and have felt increased sorrow for the lonely road he trod.
I have spent many days wondering how we did it? How did we get through those days? How did we carry that heavy burden? How did we march toward Jake's death, knowing it was inevitable but fearing it nonetheless? I cannot understand it.
I have also remembered many scenes from after Jake's death. His funeral, his memorial service and his burial. I remember meeting with scores of friends and family members. Hugging, crying, remembering. It was very bitter-sweet.
This whole month has been one of constant remembering. It is good to remember. It is good to feel. It helps me see that with all that was difficult, heavy, trying and impossible there was so much that was encouraging, uplifting, peace giving and love imparting.
And today, two years after Jacob died I would say that my prevailing feeling has been one of gratitude. I know that seems impossible, but as I sit here typing it out that is the overwhelming feeling that comes to my heart.
I am grateful to be alive.
I am grateful to be sealed to Jake.
I am grateful for our four beautiful and thriving children.
I am grateful for the sun that warms each day.
I am grateful for a home that is a sanctuary for our family.
I am grateful for devoted and caring friends, co-workers, ward members and neighbors both past and present.
I am grateful for supportive family members.
I am grateful for scriptures, the temple and prayer.
I am grateful for Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world.
I am grateful for my Heavenly Father who holds the reigns.
Recently I found notes Jake wrote from a testimony that he gave in church one month after he was diagnosed with a GMB. I leave them with you to consider as you go about this new week.
And I quote,
1. My life is a gift from God
2. People are good
3. A lot of people pass through hard things and learn how to better mourn with those who mourn
4. Priesthood leaders, including the bishop, are inspired
5. Few things bring the spirit more strongly than selfless service
6. God hears and answers prayers of our friends from all faiths
7. Living the word of wisdom gives us spiritual and physical strength
8. God loves children and hears and answers their prayers
9. Priesthood blessings are a gift from God to bless our lives
10. The words from the prophets and apostles are inspired
11. The temple brings peace by giving us an eternal perspective
12. God lives. He knows me and loves me and those I love.
End quote.
7 comments:
I have followed you for two years and change, since your sister shared your blog with her Instagram followers. I cannot believe that today marks two years since your sweet husband died. I know my perception of time as relates to his passing is completely different from yours, obviously, but still. Two. Years.
You are such an inspiration to me in so many ways. I have appreciated your candor and vulnerability as you have navigated these unclear waters of widowhood. I have mourned with you from a distance and, because of that, my empathy for others has increased exponentially. I find myself giving the benefit of the doubt more often than not. I find myself explaining to others that I just can't know what's going on in someone's life, and so I choose to believe that there are almost certainly circumstances, of which I am unaware, leading to whatever misunderstanding or bad behavior might be happening. I find myself more able to believe that all will eventually be made right through the Atonement and that, no matter what is happening now, I can find peace by accessing my Savior.
So thank you, from a woman you don't know, for sharing this part of your heart with the world.
My heart still aches for you and what your family has experienced. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to respond to a post with words of hope and encouragement, yet I didn't know what to say. The words that formed in my mind were never adequate. I have not lost someone close to me as you have, but I have a better understanding of their feelings from reading your experiences. Thank you for sharing them with me and others. Honestly, I think you should compile your posts and write a book. I have no doubt there are numerous people who would benefit from reading your words. I am always deeply touched by the strength of your testimony of the Savior Jesus Christ. You are a testament that Christ is real and that He will come to your aid.
Love you Jord. Loved reading your words and Jacob's tonight. Love you both.
He was the best of guys. Miss him and love you!
It is amazing that gratitude feels your heart. I know the day comes when as the scriptures states, "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither, sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Rev. 21:4 I look forward to that day.
I think I can speak for all who have been inspired by your posts, Jord. And that would be to say that we are grateful for you, for Jake, for your children, and for all those who helped you through Jake's passing and who help you now. And we are grateful for Heavenly Father and the Savior and the Holy Ghost. We are grateful that this life is not all there is, and that a merciful plan of our Heavenly Father will make everything all right. I love you, Jake, and the kids so very much.
vfr
Post a Comment