Lately

Hello again.

Long time no write. 

There is no real reason for it, and when I try and account for my days I don't come up with much but feel exhausted by 9:00 every night.

And I get in bed and watch a show or read and then am lucky if I can remain awake past 11:00. It has really cut down on my available time to  think  write. I miss it and hope as the kids sports seasons are ending to carve out more time for both. :)

I am learning that solo parenting is not for the faint hearted. 

I now add a million more kudos to the mothers and fathers out there who are raising young kids without a spouse. 

It is not just the extra set of hands that you miss, but someone to make decisions with and collaborate with and celebrate your children with. Their other parent. Who knows and loves and adores your kids like you do.  Others help and fill in the gaps but it's not quite the same. 

We just miss Jake around here and can say with certainty that he is irreplaceable. 

That said the kids seem to be having a much better school year. 

Praise the Lord.

For real. 

Just like how I can see from this vantage point how hard things were last year, the girls have also commented in the same vein. They've noticed how much better school is when they have friends. And how fun it is to play with kids after school. And how much they enjoy their sports and activities. 

I can't overstate the gratitude I feel that they are finding a niche here and making good friends and feeling comfortable. They are shy little people and I appreciate so much those who try, and try and try again to reach out to them. 

It is a miracle to me. 

Life asked a lot of our sweet little girls and boy to lose their beloved father, leave the only home they've ever known and walk home from school uphill in snow.  We had some hard days and hurting hearts for months and months, but like the little sapling I have felt springing up in me I can see the same thing happening in our children and am so grateful for new signs of life in them. 

My birthday started off our family birthday season and as it was a very painful day last year, I was anticipating the worst. 

So boy was I surprised when it turned out to be a wonderful day full of so much love and thoughtfulness and kindness and flowers and cookies and treats and presents and banners and balloons and muffins and surprises and parties and cake and ice cream. I was so touched by the kindness of friends locally and far away and our family members to think of me and show so much love. 

It really bound up my broken heart. 

Then the next weekend was General Conference.  

Wow. 

It was wonderful and real and pointed my heart again to the Savior. 

I was so encouraged and uplifted and grateful for many of the talks that were shared, but especially for some that addressed pain, hardship, unwanted life paths and miracles not forthcoming. For those of you who have had any of these challenges or wondered why or cannot make sense of happenings in your life this talk and this talk and this talk and this talk are for you. 

I also appreciated the emphasis on the power of the Book of Mormon (see this talk and this talk) to bring us unto Christ. The Savior has carried me through these last years and softened my heart and aligned my will with His and I have found Jesus most accessible through reading daily and at times desperately from the Book of Mormon. He is in that book. 

So that's my report. 

Later this month Ada is turning 8 and getting baptized.

It is an event that is both very exciting and a very painful as it is a major occasion, a saving ordinance, where Jake's physical presence will be sorely missed. 

I'm praying and praying for grace- that the Lord will comfort our hearts and fill us with His spirit and help us sense Jake's love and nearness and show His mercy to each of us, but especially to our tender hearted Ada. 

She is so dear and brave and uncomplaining. She is sad that Jake won't be here to baptize her but she is not angry or entitled. 

That amazes me.  

I did sense that the Lord will bless her for her submission and that no matter who baptizes her, the validity of the ordinance is unchanged and will be recognized forever in her behalf. 

It is of an eternal nature and will remain in force for her whole existence. 

And that to me is a miracle.