Aging

This last week was a fabulous whirlwind.

I took Lauren on her 12 year old trip to New York, to visit our brother and sister in law who live in Connecticut (Jake's brother) and their sweet little Rosie.

We had a fantastic time, they were wonderful hosts and both Lauren and I came back renewed and grateful for the experience. I'll write more about that if I can get the pictures sorted out.

Then it was my birthday the day after we returned. And boy oh boy were people again kind and loving and good to me. I'm not going to lie. The first birthday after Jake died was horrendous. So terribly painful and exhausting. The second was definitely better. Still very painful but somehow alleviated by the goodness of others. And this year it was a lovely day. No pain. None. It helps that my expectations were also none so I was happily surprised to greet a day full of kind texts, emails, FB posts, flower deliveries, donuts, balloons, decorations, presents and love. Our kids were so darling and were so excited to get me presents and make the day a celebratory experience. My SIL Jenny helped so much in that process and was so kind. I met with friends I love for lunch and talked to dear family members on the phone. My Mom was wonderful to get donuts, balloons and my parents took us to dinner that night.  All in all it was a wonderful day and I felt so cared for and loved.

Then the following day I completed a recent goal to hike to the top of Mt. Timpanogos for the first time. Yes, I am an Orem native but somehow hiking to the top of Timp was never anything I was particularly keen on doing. But with my two trusty hiking friends we got it done and it felt like an amazing accomplishment. These sweet friends entered my life at the all time low, and both figuratively and literally pulled me out of bed, got me up and moving and slowly built back my strength and my ability so that standing on the top of that mountain two years later was finally a reality. I am so grateful for them.

And I am one year older.

It has been a very reflective experience turning an age that Jake will never get to be.

38.

It definitely feels so young. So very very young. I remember once when Jake was sick we were with a friend who was about to turn 40. As expected, this friend was both bemoaning the aging process and anticipating all that they hoped for the next phase of their life. I remember that Jake leaned over to me and whispered "lucky."

Yes, they are lucky.

We who get to age, who get to grow old, who get to achieve and experience and live are lucky. Growing old is a gift.

I think I have an atypical sense of aging.

I look forward to it and hope that the years rush by. The thought of turning 40 (and then 50, then 60, and maybe even 70) makes me happy. I have someone I can't wait to get to. But at the same time I realize more than I could before what a gift it is to be alive. To draw breath. To have a body. To make choices and exercise agency.

Somehow I am healed enough to feel like I want to make something good out of the days I have left. I want to use them to learn. To serve. To love. To comfort. To grow. To feel. To increase. 

In these days there will most definitely be pain, and heartache, and fear, and loneliness and grief. But lately I seem to welcome much more frequently the wonderful aspects and feelings and experiences of mortality into my daily life. I am grateful that most days really are good days.

And I know that it is ok for the two sides of the coin to co-exist. To feel both happy and sad. To find pleasure amidst pain. To feel peace even in times of distress. And living with these co-existing experiences is making my life and my heart so much richer in the process.