I spoke too soon

I am learning about the nature of pain.

Like any normal person, I think in my pre-great hardship life I honestly did almost anything in my power to avoid pain. Or to distract myself from it. Or to ignore it or shut it down.

Then I was introduced to pain of a completely different magnitude.

The kind that you cannot stop, cannot deny, cannot escape. The kind that you must traverse.

I can say that my experience with pain is a learning process and I am definitely still in the middle of the experiment.

It is too unrealistic to think that I will escape special/holiday/celebratory days pain free.

Sometimes the pain comes in anticipation of the event. Sometimes it comes after everything is over and the dust has settled. And other times it occurs right smack in the special event itself. The irony is that you can never know when it will hit, you cannot control it nor predict it and every time it catches you off guard and hurts all the same.

I had a few painful days several days after my birthday. I was sad and again felt for the loss of Jake's physical presence in our lives and missed so very much the ability to communicate with him.

I can say that as you go through the grieving process the pain becomes more manageable. I assume it is like any great wound. At first it is acute, open, raw and gnawing. But as time passes and it slowly starts to heal the festering nature of the wound lessens and it just becomes a dull ache. However, the wound can be reopened and the healing scratched off and the injury revealed anew. And even when a wound is totally healed, if bumped or scratched or torn it can send a sharp pain throughout your body forcing you to remember that it is there. And no matter how much time goes by or how much it is healed a deep wound will always leave a scar.

I reread this post I wrote in a dark time after Jake's death. That was a terrible time and those feelings were raw and consuming. Thankfully I do not feel that heavy, all the time, anymore. I am so grateful to the Savior for the relief from that absolute pain. But the painful feelings definitely come back, in varying intensities and may for many years to come.

The thing I've learned about pain is that it is real. It comes and it hurts and you have to go through it.

I've recently been reading more in the Old Testament and have been comforted by many verses there.

I've loved the books of Ecclesiastes and Job and appreciate the feeling- the depth of pain, sorrow and grief- evident in their words and experiences. I would recommend a reading of them to you, especially if you are experiencing pain right now. They helped me feel like I wasn't alone- like someone understands and like I am not the first person on earth to feel these huge, heavy and sorrowful feelings.

The writer of Ecclesiastes (assumed to be Kind Solomon) feels so sad. His questions- asking why is there nothing new, why does nothing satisfy, commenting that all is vanity and chasing after wind exhibit real human emotion and experience when confronted with the stuff of life. He asks if the increase in wisdom and knowledge also bring an increase in sorrow and I would say yes in some ways. The more we experience and learn the greater our capacity to feel both good and bad emotions.  We cannot pick up one end of the stick without picking up the other.

And Job.

Dear, wonderful, honest Job.

I had read chapters or verses but never the whole book and the thing I appreciated most was his authentic lamentation over his situation in life. He wished he had not been born so that could have been spared so much pain, he saw no value in his life, he felt like God was against his nature and he loathed living. If you are in a state where you can relate to his feelings you'll find good company in his book.

There are many parts to the story of Job, but the thing that interested me most were the last few chapters. You must read chapters 38-42. After Job has had chapter after chapter to bemoan his lot in life and complain about his station God finally speaks to answer Him. I will quote some verses here because no one can say it better than God himself:

In chapter 38 the Lord answers Job out of the whirlwind and says:

"Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge? Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me."

Job had been lamenting and clamoring to the Lord for a very long time and finally He came to answer him. But the Lord's reply is not apologetic. Instead, it seems as though God has come to the battle, He will meet Job on the field of his complaints and He hopes Job is man enough to take it.

Then for the rest of chapter 38, chapter 39, chapter 40 and chapter 41 the Lord proceeds to ask Job where he has been as for eons God has been acting as God- laying the foundation of the earth, shutting up the sea by dry ground, preparing the snow and the hail in their season, managing the clouds to bring forth rain, giving the animals their strength, abasing the proud, creating and managing the fiercest animal on the planet. Where was Job in all of this? What contribution did he make? Where was his power to conduct God's business? Does Job want to be God?

The answer Job gives, to me, is the climax of the story. Upon seeing and hearing of God's power and greatness and glory, Job is humbled to the dust. Job exclaims in chapter 42, that he now knows that God is God and that all of his former utterances were of things he understood not. Then Job- the guy who lost everything and didn't do anything wrong and was righteous and still loves God- repents in dust and ashes. He repents of wanting to change his lot in life and manage his own situation. He decides that he is ok to let God be God.

I love the scriptures.

I love what they teach me about the Lord, his plan and how he works with his people.

And I love that the Lord is willing to work with me, human as I am, giving me chance after chance after chance to learn to let Him be God in my life.