Traumatized Children

Over the summer I read another article in the newspaper that I liked a lot.

It was written after the separation of children from their parents at the Mexican border and commented that when a child is traumatized, the consistent presence of a stable and nurturing parent is the most important factor in how a child overcomes the trauma.

Hence why removing children from their caregivers is such a damaging thing.

But as I continued to read this article I was grateful to see how, for our children, many of the listed suggestions have really helped them work through the trauma of losing their father.

First, I feel profoundly grateful that I am still able to stay home and have as my full time job the care and nurture of our children. That is not something every widow can do and I recognize it as a great mercy from the Lord to me and to our children. Not only did our kids lose their father, but if I had had to start up with full time employment immediately after his death they would have in many respects lost their mother too.

Not everyone knows this, but the social security system is also a sort of "life insurance" system, where some of the taxes you pay go providing benefits to your widow or widower and dependent children upon your death. The introduction of the Survivors Benefits pamphlet states "The loss of a family wage earner can be devastating both emotionally and financially. Social security helps by providing income for the families of workers who die."

Everyone who has ever paid social security tax receives a statement of your approximate payout amounts. Part of that statement (which I had never even paid attention to until Jacob got sick) has a segment that says "If you died today, your dependents would receive $___ per month. Check it out. You and your spouse have a statement and it lists an amount.

Thankfully, since Jacob was the primary wage earner in our family his amount is substantially more than mine. For now that money enables me to stay home and care for our children, as though Jake were working full time bringing home a paycheck each month. There are many ways to be a stable and nurturing parent and I am grateful for the opportunity I have to care for our children and provide stability in their lives by being home with them.

Second, the article notes that "another way to help ramp down the biological response to stress is to quickly re-establish routines." This was something we learned even as Jake was sick and going through treatments. The more we could keep our kids lives consistent and routinized, even as his health was unpredictable and out of control, the more they were able to ride the wave of his illness while having security in their individual lives.

I was kind of fanatical once we moved to Utah to get routines established for our kids (and for me). Everything felt so new and scary and I really felt like creating some sort of predictable routine gave us a baseline of stability that helped us navigate so many new experiences and relationships. Routine is critical for all children, but especially those who have or who are experiencing major trauma in their lives. Having some things be predictable makes it easier to manage the things that cannot be controlled.

Finally, the article states that "once the primary relationship is strong and routines are established, the parent can help the child learn that there is nothing wrong with negative emotions like fear or anger, but that there are positive ways of dealing with them- such as immersing themselves in something they enjoy, such as drawing, reading, playing an instrument or taking part in a sport."

I can say that this is true too. I think some of our neighbors may think I am crazy for shuttling our kids to and fro for lessons and sports practices and games, but more than giving them something to do with their time I really feel like these activities have given our kids a positive outlet for their grief. Grieving takes great energy- it creates great energy- and that energy has to have somewhere to go. I would much rather have our daughter take that energy out on a soccer ball than on her siblings and I have seen how having positive outlets has really helped our kids process their feelings and have a release for their pain.

That said, I also know that our children's emotions will come out, manifest and take work for their entire lives. Many widows that I've spoken to say that their children grieve deeply again during their teenage years or even in college and just watching our kids for two years I can see that we are in it for the long haul. There will continue to be a great need need for conversation, counseling, routine, hobbies, sports and activities, meditation, prayer, building and maintaining a secure relationship with them, and relying on the help of the Savior to walk them through this experience.

Luckily they are some of my favorite humans ever and as long as we can work together, be on the same team, and rely on the merits of Him who is mighty to save,  I have great hope that they will survive and maybe even thrive from this experience.