Dating

Let me preface this one by saying that during Jake's illness I read a blog written by Kara T*ppets called Mundane Fa*thfulness. It was such a help to me through those years as her cancer journey was a year ahead of Jake's and I could read about how she and her husband Jason were navigating their trial with so much faith in Christ. 

After Kara died there were a few posts from her husband. I remember one was about when he felt it was time to take off his wedding ring. Another was about dating. And then many months later there was news of his remarriage. 

I often wondered about the backstory and how he got there. I was in his shoes- the spouse left behind- and I was so curious to know what the process was like for him and how he was able to love someone again. 

And so while this is a pretty personal topic to write about I have always believed that if anything I write here can be of use to someone else who is on this journey then I want to share it so that it can bless them and give context as they navigate through their own experience. 

At the beginning of March I decided that it was time for me to go on a date.

"What???" you say. "At the beginning of a worldwide pandemic?!?!?"

"Why yes of course, what better time could there be???" I respond. 

Ha! This, as you know, has been a long time in coming. Jake passed away 4 years ago and I had no interest or even ability to think about dating for a very long time. People had kindly made offers of individuals they knew that I could go out with but my heart could not even take in the thought. In the first year the idea of dating made me literally feel sick inside and like I wanted to vomit. Later it just became scary as I heard about experiences friends were having and that I wanted to avoid. 

In 2018 I broke my left arm playing capture the flag and had to wear a hard cast for 6 weeks. Up until the break I was still wearing my wedding ring but took it off as my fingers started to swell and did not wear it when I had my cast. And once the cast came off I knew that my ring would not go on again. It was time. That was hard and I cried but it also helped me accept the reality- that Jake was dead and that I was not married anymore. 

Then more recently, especially through 2019, my mind and heart started to open up to the idea of companionship again. I recently reread my journal from 2019 and was shocked by how many entries make it clear that I was starting to think about the possibility of having someone new in my life.   I also had many experiences that slowly, line upon line, led me to realize that I was ready to open up my heart and that I was truly healing from my grief. 

And so at the beginning of March I knew it was time and I went on a date. And it was totally fine. All of the fears and horrors I had heard about or imagined did not happen. In fact it was really nice and I enjoyed it. And I have continued to go on dates since that time. While it hasn't made the most sense to start dating during Covid,  I also see that opening the door to another relationship has renewed my hope for the future and made the possible trajectory for the rest of my life seem much more interesting. 

There are several things that I did want to share that have been unexpected but useful for me to learn. 

First, opening the door to dating after it had been so hard shut was a big change for my kids. Huge. It has taken a lot of time for them to sit with it and it evoked feelings that we have needed to talk and cry and work through. My dating is a family experience as their lives are equally affected. I have been grateful that as we did after Jacob's death, we are working through the experience together. I am sure there are still hard times to come, but letting my children express and work through their own feelings about this has been a necessary step in the process.

Second, opening the door to dating has evoked a new type of grief I had not yet experienced. I have missed Jake for years and yearned for his presence, but dating other men has made me realize to a new level that I will never get him back in this lifetime. That even as I have relationships that provide companionship again they will be different from what I had in my marriage to Jake. And so there has been some grieving, again, for the loss of the life that we shared together and for the easy and comfortable way our relationship worked. I have also grieved just having my person who knew me completely and loved me in spite of myself. 

Third, opening the door to dating takes courage. Like a ton of it. And sometimes I have had to ask myself if I've got what it takes. You have to basically lay all of your vulnerable inadequacies out there and hope that you won't get trampled. I am finding that it does help to take a huge bucket of humor along for the ride and appreciate those who, in the dating pool, can also acknowledge that this is the last place any of us wanted to be but here we are so we had better start swimming. That or sit to the side. Or drown. You really don't have many options. 

Finally, opening the door to dating takes time. And the timing for each person is so individual. There was a season when I could not have gone out for the life of me. I was so dead inside and my world was shattered. But slowly healing has come and I have gone from feeling dead, to feeling alive, to wanting to live again and part of that process, for me, has been to open up to the idea of dating and remarriage. 

I know this looks different for everyone. Some people are hurting so much dating immediately seems like a nice way out of the pain. Some people cannot even fathom having a new relationship with someone other than their deceased spouse. And everything in between. There is also a fair amount of work that must be done after your family fundamentally changes. Kids need to be settled and reassured. The surviving spouse needs to find their new normal and work through the pain and associated grief.  And that work is a consecrated effort that takes time and energy and effort and sacrifice. For me, that work took nearly four years to get to where I knew I was in a place to be open to the possibility of a new relationship. The only thing I can say is that I think you know when you are ready because you know it. You just know. 

And so my friends, welcome to the middle aged LDS dating rodeo. Full of twists and turns and bumps and jolts, all of which will helpfully produce the necessary growth and experience in me to develop perseverance. Which, as James encourages, "Consider it pure joy, my [sisters], whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."