The big 4-0

I had the best birthday ever! It was filled from sun up to sun down with so much love. So many kindnesses. So much goodness. My cup runneth over with gratitude for all of the wonderful people in my life. YOU are how I feel of God’s love to overflowing. 

The week leading up to my birthday was difficult. There were some very sad and heavy days. Where I felt {again} the pain of the reality of the total collapse of my life. As a young girl I could not have imagined turning 40 with a dead husband, childcare 24/7 due to a worldwide pandemic, dating ups and downs, no career, and no clear vision of the path before me. It felt pretty shattered and overwhelming and I cried myself to sleep for nights in a row. Sometimes it’s okay to have a "poor me" pity party when your life isn’t turning out like you’d hoped, expected or planned on. At 40 you can start to view your life as half over and without clear answers about the future it can feel pretty bleak. 

I have a wise friend who told me that the reality though is that only one-third of my adult life is over. I still have two-thirds left. And of the one-third that is over, if I am totally honest I can say that only one-third of it was really hard and heavy. The other two-thirds were wonderful and mostly very happy. And if I am really really honest, the one-third that was so difficult paved the path for me to come to know Jesus in a way that I would never trade for all of the happiness and fulfilled expectations in the world. I would not trade the knowledge of God that I have gained through suffering for anything this world has to offer. 

So back to the birthday. The lead up days were pretty blue so by the 24th I was kind of spent on sadness. It really does go against my naturally happy nature. I can only be sad for so long before I’m just over it. And so as I fell asleep as a 39 year old I honestly felt happy to close the door on a decade of my life that was harder than I could have ever imagined and to open up the door to a more hopeful, albeit unknown, future. 

I woke up on September 25 feeling grateful and at peace. And then the fun began. I went hiking with my two dear friends and had such a good conversation with them and left with a box of donuts- my favorite. I got home and found that my darling young women and leader friends had decorated my house. Chalked the driveway, balloons and crepe paper everywhere, heart attacked front door and a table full of presents and sweet cards. Such a fun surprise. 

Then I went in with my kids and opened the sweet gifts they bought me. And read their cards. Each of our darling kids wrote me a list of the 40 things they love about me. And they were so insightful and generous and kind, especially as they live with me and know me as I really am. I do have the coolest kids EVER and their love for me is such a source of strength and encouragement. 

Then I got ready for the day and went to meet up with friends for lunch while my mom came and helped the kids tidy up our yard. I love my friends and am so grateful that included in that circle is my sister (who coordinated most of the plans for the day) and sister in laws. I have the best family members who are also some of my dearest friends. It was great to just eat and visit with these wonderful women who I love. 

I came home and was able to attend to the text messages that were pouring in! I heard from more than 100 people that I love and appreciated those words of encouragement so so much. Then the kids and I decided to go bowling at BYU. I love playing with my kids and getting out to have fun and it was nice to just hang out together. 

We came back and our extended family had arrived with Thai takeout to eat for dinner. It was fun to visit with them and feel of their love. My mom was all over preparing the yard and food for my drive-by party and in her usual way worked tirelessly to serve and bless my life. My sister and sister-in-law were also so good to take assignments and bring things together to make it such a fun evening  I’m so grateful for them.  

With the new corona restrictions (no groups over 20) they decided to change my party to a drive-by experience which fortunately turned into a get out and visit fiesta. Things picked up after an hour and it was SO darn fun to see and talk to so many people that I love. Friends in my ward. Neighbors. Friends from growing up, college and married life. Extended family members. My dear friend and her cute daughter even drove up from Arizona for the weekend.  

There really is nothing more that I love than a good party- with lots of people mingling, music and food. And this was all of the above. The highlight was when, an hour into the fiesta the cougar mobile drove up the road with music blaring and Cosmo  (BYU's mascot) got out of the car to wish me a happy birthday. 

IT WAS AMAZING!!!! 

I then went to the patio to have people sing happy birthday and cut the cake. It was so fun to see dear friends and my brothers joining via Zoom to send their best wishes. We ate cake and the visiting continued for the next few hours. Again my family quietly cleaned up the festivities while I just spent hour after hour talking to people that I love.  That really is my most favorite thing in the whole world. 

I still have a pile of gifts to open, messages and emails to respond to and cards to open from so many people that I care about. Again I stand in awe at the goodness and outpouring of kindness that I received. It is overwhelmingly overpowering. 

And I think that is where I end today. In a week leading up to my birthday where I was facing all kinds of doubts about the meaning and purpose and future of my life, I left yesterday knowing that my life has great meaning and purpose because of the people who are in it. Each individual who has taught me something. Listened to my heart. Spent time with me. Encouraged my growth. Comforted my soul. Helped and loved and served me and my family. And who have let me do the same for them. 

I know that aging is a gift. There are many people who do not have the opportunity to get old. I loved one of them with my whole heart. And because I am alive, I choose to live life to its fullest with all of the complexity, struggle and heartache that it entails, because that is also the path to happiness, growth and development that is the whole sum and purpose of our existence. 

So welcome 40 and all the joy and pain that you will bring. I am grateful and blessed that I made it here. Let this new decade begin!!!