Helping those in crisis

I met two new friends this summer after we moved to Utah.

Both of them are young mothers like me whose dear husbands had GBM brain tumors.

I connected with Valerie and Erica through mutual friends on social media months ago and am so sorry for the pain they, their husbands, their sweet children and their families have endured.

I wish that no one else had to go through this experience.

Valerie's husband Rob passed away on July 22 and Erica's husband Tony just died on December 2, and as I thought about what I could do to help them it brought to mind all of the things our army of friends and family did to help us.

I could never give an exhaustive list of every service and kindness we received. There were too many to ever count, but my gratitude for the love shown to us is inexhaustible.

However, I did want to shed some light, from my recent experience, on some things that are especially helpful to people in times of crisis whether it be financial, marital, familial or medical in nature. I broke them down into four categories:

1) Take care of the basics

2) Anticipate secondary needs

3) Give evidence of your support

4) Pray always

First, take care of the basics.

Anyone in a great crisis can tell you that the last thing they think about is what to eat for dinner, but the reality is that they will need something to put in their mouths each night. Several times we came home from a horrible MRI scan feeling sick about life and worried about the next steps to take and the last thing on our minds was wondering if there was food in our refrigerator.

Each of us need basic things to sustain life on a daily basis. We need food to eat three meals a day. We need clean clothes. We need simple toiletries to bathe and care for ourselves. We need a bed to sleep in, preferably a clean one. We need gas in our car. We need these necessities for ourselves, for our spouses and for any children living in our homes.

Sometimes the most helpful service during a great crisis is when someone can take care of your basic needs. I cannot count the times we received wonderful homemade meals from dear friends, had our laundry washed, folded and put away by family members, had our house cleaned and sheets changed, had food delivered to our house, and our fridge filled. Every time our sister in law walked into our home she just started cleaning. Our beds were made, sheets changed, car filled with gas and cleaned inside and out, and grocery runs completed by others who wanted to help us in our times of great need.

Many of these individuals were on the ground, neighbors who were in close proximity or family members who had come to stay with us in our home. But even if you are not in close proximity to someone, you can still help them with these needs. Gift cards are amazing and can cover basic needs such as meals, groceries and gas. Even if you can't personally deliver a meal you can buy the equivalent value in a gift card, put it in the mail and know that you are really helping someone. Several family members who wanted to help me clean, but were not in the state, paid for a cleaning lady to come to my house twice a month and help with that need. I was constantly amazed by the creativity of people near and far to think of our basic needs for food, shelter, clothing and transportation and take care of those basics so we could focus our time and energy on Jake's health crises.

Second, anticipate secondary needs.

This is slightly different from taking care of the basics and I hope I can illustrate it properly with the following example.

Jake had another surgery in 2015, near the end of our girl's school year. The girls and I always liked to give a teacher's gift to their teachers, but I wasn't even thinking about it with his recovery taking priority. A dear friend called me one day and offered to make the teachers gift for me, as she was already making something for her children's teachers and would not be inconvenienced by making a few more.

I was so grateful for her offer and said yes immediately. Later in the week she brought me a darling gift for the girls to give to their teachers that alleviated my need to spend time making or buying something on my own. I was grateful that she could perceive that my girls would want a gift to give to their teachers, but that I would not have time to pull it together.

Every family has needs beyond those basic to sustaining life. Especially if a family has young children, there are always needs for help with childcare, car rides, sports practices, laundry, reading, cleaning rooms, school assignments, etc. that are part of normal living. In addition, when you are consumed with great stress it is a blessing to still have opportunities to have fun, get out of the house, or attend an event to escape for a moment the ever present trauma of your life.

The most helpful offers were those that were specific, offered in a timely manner, and focused on a certain event or member of our family. Taking the onus off of the individual in crisis to make the plan or orchestrate the help is essential. For example, saying "I want to watch your kids one night this week" is more helpful than saying "I'm happy to babysit" or offering to do laundry every Monday is more helpful than saying "Tell me if you need anything."

A friend offered to drive Lauren and Ellie to and from activity days each week. Another friend offered to tend Tommy every time we went in for Avastin infusions. Another friend sent us hair clippers in the mail when I mentioned that ours were broken. Jake's brother treated us to a CA beach getaway. Another friend offered the use of her home when she learned our family was coming into town. Another friend offered us tickets to a Suns game and free babysitting because they knew Jake loved the NBA. Another friend offered us the use of her cabin when we needed to have a family getaway. Another friend planned and hosted a 36th birthday party for Jake. Another friend sent us money in the mail to pay for our family to go to the movies. Another friend offered to organize all help when Jake went on hospice. Another friend made a beautiful mother's ring for Jake to give to me. My mom offered to buy my funeral dress after Jake died. Another friend offered to paint the walls of our house while we were in Utah for Jake's burial. Another friend invited us to go boating at the beginning of the summer. An extended family member offered to buy the kids and I snow clothes anticipating that since we just came to Utah from Arizona we wouldn't have that kind of gear. And just last week a friend offered her family to come and help me put up my Christmas lights. I could go on and on. 

These are just a few examples of secondary needs that were anticipated over the years of Jake's illness and after his death and seen to by the kind offers of family and friends. We had so many rich experiences as he was sick partly because of the thoughtfulness of others who felt for our plight and wanted to alleviate our suffering in some way.

Three, give evidence of your support.

We all know of people that are in a difficult situation. You can hardly read Faceb**k without seeing a link to support a friend of a friend or a family member who is in a time of crisis. It may seem like a very small thing to leave a comment or note of support, but when linked together those messages become a chain that can help pull you out of a very dark place. At the least they help the one suffering to know that they are not alone. Recently, as I have been grieving in a new and painful way messages of love that I receive on an almost daily basis through email, blog comments, social media, phone calls or texts have been a light in otherwise very dark days. Taking a few minutes to type a note of support and love can do wonders to change the outlook of another person's whole day. 

I cannot count the number of times Jake and I read and reread messages of support. When we were down or struggling we would often turn to our email inboxes, Faceb**k or Inst*gram pages or even open the mailbox and find some encouraging words of love. Additionally, as so many individuals (known and unknown) donated to the fund that my sister set up for our children we were overcome by the kindness of those monetary donations. They are tangible gifts of support that will bless our children's lives in the years to come.

Additionally, even if you do not personally know the individual in crisis, there are words you can say and service you can give to help support the extended family members and close friends of those in the crisis that you do know, so that those individuals can then have the strength to give support to the ones in the middle of the storm. I am so grateful for everyone who supported our parents and each of our siblings and their spouses in word and deed throughout the course of Jake's disease and death. They felt of your love and concern for them and it strengthened them to be able to see our family through many hard experiences.

I wrote previously about what to say to those in crisis. Many times we hold back from commenting or reaching out because we do not know what to say.  This article gives the best advice I've ever read on the subject and I found it to be true in practical application. Comforting words are always appropriate. Sharing your love and support is always welcome. Acknowledging the difficulty of their experience is realistic and honest. Comfort IN. Dump OUT.

Finally, pray always.

I know that many of you who read this blog come from different religious backgrounds, experiences and affiliations.  I know that we do not all pray in the same way. But I also know, in a tangible way, that every prayer offered to God in behalf of Jake, me and our children was heard and answered with a blessing on our heads. 

Many times those blessings were what we wanted- getting good results from an MRI scan, having Jake wake up from brain surgery fully functional and unaffected, being able to take family vacations and make memories with our children, finding a home for our family in Utah.

Other times those blessings were what we needed- finding strength to deliver bad news to our children, feeling calm as he made the decision to go onto long-term disability, getting surgery miraculously scheduled for the following day, finding peace even while facing the reality his death. 

And even if some blessings are still out there, waiting to be realized or answered or bestowed the power of your prayers united us together in the purpose of supplicating God, of calling on His name, of asking for His help. 

I met with a sweet friend of Jake's from high school, who told me that for two years she and her husband and little boys had been praying for Jake and our family. We had never met until just recently, but she said that she felt so much love for me and for our kids and knew that that love was a result of her prayers in our behalf. 

Prayer helps us to love more. To love God. To love our families. To love our friends. To love people we have never even met. It has a unifying, sanctifying, lifting and enriching power in our lives and in the lives of those we are praying for. 

So even when you feel like there is nothing you can do for someone in crisis, remember that you can always, always, always pray. 

And those prayers, together with God's love, mercy, and grace will be enough.