2017

Hello again.

I can't believe it is a new year already.

The start of this new year came with mixed feelings for me. 2016 was the hardest year of my life and tried my being in every way, but starting a new year, the first of many to come, in which Jake will not be alive is also a tough reality to swallow.

I basically went AWOL for the month of December because those 30 days really knocked me to the ground and were so much harder to live out than I had anticipated.

Whereas other special days throughout these firsts without Jake are just that - a day - where you know it is going to be hard, you anticipate it for a few days beforehand, it comes, it hurts, you grieve, but you get through it and then it's over.

Christmas felt like a whole sequence of days- week after week of moments, events, and activities where his absence was profound and it hurt and it ached and we missed him.

The strongest feeling I had on the night of December 25 was relief.

Relief that it was finally over, that we got through it, that we could be done.

I felt Jake's absence most keenly throughout the preparation stage- planning, shopping, preparing for Christmas day. I actually felt very numb on the 25th and although we had so many kindnesses shown to our family I couldn't even cry a tear. I wasn't particularly sad, but I wasn't particularly happy and I felt as numb as I've felt for a while.

I will forever be grateful for all those who did kind things to ease the sorrow of the season. My parents and siblings bought me a beautiful Lladro Christus statue, Jake's parents gave me a beautiful photo book with pictures from his life complied with such love and sacrifice by my sister-in-law Jessica, a kind family in our ward did the 12 days of Christmas for us, a group of strangers left a pile of presents on our doorstep on Christmas Eve, friends sent thoughtful gifts for me and the kids, our siblings tended and played with the kids over the break, Jake's aunt and uncle brought us fun new toys, a dear friend watched my kids for an entire day, etc. Lest I seem ungrateful, those kind acts eased the hole in our hearts and helped us feel of the love and support of so many around us as they shared the true spirit of Christmas- the spirit of Christ.

I had a several good cries a few days before the holiday, and then on the night of the 25th after our family members had gone home our sweet children just lost it. I haven't seem them so sad and sobbing and sorrowful since Jake died and they attended his services.

Thankfully I was able to just hold them and hear their thoughts and have the ability to let them mourn. We all gathered in a bedroom and talked for a while about how they were feeling and what they were thinking.

Two things came to my mind that I shared with them.

The first was that I told them that we had just done something really hard. It seems strange to think of Christmas that way, but it was a hard experience to go through without Jake and I needed to let them know that it was ok to feel sad that this holiday was not the same as it had been.

Second, I told them that what they were feeling may be something that, hopefully to a lesser degree, we will all feel for the rest of our lives. That our happiest days may also be our saddest days, because as we rejoice and celebrate together, we naturally look for their Dad to celebrate with and he is not there. 

I read Lehi's dream this week- where he partakes of this delicious fruit that fills his soul with joy and the first thing he wants to do is to share it with his family. It is so natural for us to want to share our happiness and joy with the people we love most. And it became clear on Christmas day that for our family, the moments in our lives that are the most joyful and momentous will also bring a measure of sorrow, or loss or ache for our sweet Jacob. We may feel both happy and sad at the same time and I tried to help our kids understand that they have the capacity to feel both sorrow and joy simultaneously. That those emotions are not mutually exclusive, but hand in hand can increase the depths of our souls.

I was so grateful for those ideas that came to my mind in the moment I needed help to comfort our sweet girls and boy. I do sense that our Father and their father is especially aware of them in those difficult moments and sends the help that we need.

The first week of January was very peaceful. I felt an almost palpable peace that came in great contrast to the sorrow of the Christmas season. I was so grateful to feel, even for a few days, a reprieve from the intensity of the emotions that had been present over the holiday.

I could tell that our kids felt lightened somehow, as if a weight had been lifted from our home.

Then last week I vacationed to Phoenix for a long weekend and had a wonderful time. When Jake and I were thinking of moving, I told him my one stipulation was that I would have to go back to AZ in January or February to escape the cold winter weather and he fully supported my wish. So I left the kids in the loving care of their aunt, uncle and grandparents and spent an amazing four days and nights being with friends and family who are so dear to me.

I felt like I was a teenager again- staying up late, having sleepovers, meeting friends for breakfast, lunch and dinner, shopping, and talking non-stop. I think I saw over 65 people while I was there and each interaction, hug and conversation completely filled my cup. I am so grateful for the loving welcome of dear friends and look forward to returning again soon with the kids.

I am also feeling a little more settled in our new home and life. I think moving is hard on anyone, and combined with grieving my dear husband it has seemed, at times, impossibly heavy. I realized lately that I ache for the familiarity of my old life. The familiarity I shared with my spouse. The familiarity of my friendships. The familiarity of my kids activities. The familiarity of our neighborhood, shops and city. But we have had such a soft landing in a ward full of good and kind people, the winter snow has been beautiful, we are taking snowboarding lessons and enjoying time on the slopes, and we have our families to lend support and fill in the gaps.

And in peaceful moments I feel a deep sense of gratitude to my Father in Heaven and to the Savior who have never abandoned me, or Jake, or our children in our times of greatest need. As we sang in a church meeting last night I was overcome with the truth of these words, as learned through my own experience:

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose

I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;

That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,

I'll never, no never, I'll never, no never,

I'll never, no never, no never forsake!