What to say and what to do

I have hesitated in writing this post for some time because I don't know how to do it right.

Helping each other is an imperfect science, and Jacob and I are continually learning so much about it, as well as our loved ones.

I don't think there is any perfect way that we can help those around us.

There is, and will always be, a gap, a chasm, an impenetrable space between what we individually know and are experiencing, and the capacity of others around us to help.

These testing, trying experiences really are individual and some parts of them we walk alone, with only the Savior by our side.

That is part of the design of this test of mortality.

However, there are many things that people around us can, have, and will do to help. That help does not lift the burden, but it does, most assuredly, make it easier to bare.

First, on what to say. 

I think we have all had the experience of hearing about someone's pain, tragedy, or heartache and not knowing what to say.

Sometimes there are just no words.

Many months ago I found THIS ARTICLE, an Op-Ed piece in the LA Times.
(Take a minute to read it.  It is well worth your time.)

It is wonderful at capturing what kind of verbal communication is helpful to people in pain.

The premise is so true- Comfort IN, Dump OUT.

In our experience, Jacob is at the center of the ring, with me, and then our children being in the next closest circles. Our parents are in rings closer than our siblings. Our extended family and friends are in rings beyond that.

I have come to appreciate when people ask how I am doing, and then really listen to what I have to say. It is comforting when people acknowledge that this is a crappy experience, that they are so sorry, or even when they say that they don't know what to say.

It seems to validate my feelings that are ever present. 

At the same time, there is nothing like being bathed in the comfort of kind and uplifting words. I have time and time again read emails, texts, cards, comments, etc. that people have written to me and felt pure love wash over me as I felt of their genuine concern. That comfort has been essential.

I know the same is true for Jacob, and I appreciate everyone who takes the time to reach out to him individually.

This past conference, Elder Eyring spoke about this concept. His talk is wonderful at giving insight into how we can help comfort those around us by helping them to feel the comfort of the Holy Ghost. He stated, "We lighten the loads of others best by helping the Lord strengthen them."

I have seen the truth of this in my own experience.

Second, on what do to. 

I am grateful that the question we most often hear from friends and loved ones is, "What can we do to help?"

We hope to never take for granted the many people who are ready and willing to help us in any way that we need, and we hope to always be those kind of people when our friends or family need us.

With this most recent surgery, I felt so overwhelmed at the prospects of the next round of treatment that, for the first time, I really wasn't able to answer that question.

I barely knew what to do for Jacob and our kids, and anything else felt so taxing and overwhelming that I didn't know how to answer.

I still don't. 

However, I can say that in the last weeks I have seen people just act, without being asked or told, to help and bless our family.

Someone brought dinner the night of his scan. We were in such a fog that it was a blessing to have food to put in our mouths. Another friend offered their home for our family members to stay in while they were in town. Someone else mailed us a new set of hair clippers when they read about ours being broken. We found a hand stitched "get well" quilt one morning on our doorstep. Two people brought me sunflowers. Our neighbor continues to mow our lawn. We got a letter in the mail from someone also suffering, that brought us immediate tears of gratitude and relief. A friend made darling teacher gifts for my girls to give their teachers on the last day of school. We received several eating out gift cards in the mail, on the doorstep, and had dinner hand delivered from one of our favorite restaurants.  Ellie's school teacher took her and Lauren out to lunch. Another friend offered us the use of her cabin at any time. Other friends stayed the night with our kids so we could have an anniversary getaway. My visiting teacher insisted on coming over to help me clean and spent two hours sorting through a room full of toys. Friends invited our kids over to play and showed them a great time. Neighbors, ward members, and friends continually offer their help and tell us to call them when we need anything, or even for certain things specifically. Two friends visiting town made time to stop by and visit us. My mom, dad and sister deep cleaned my kitchen. Jacob's brother cooked, did dishes, and watched our kids so we could go on a date, and his other brother came and cared for us one day when we all had the flu.

I could go on and on and on and on. 

There are so many things that people have done to help lighten our load. It is very humbling to think about how much service we have recieved and how frequently people act to bless our family.
It is a manifestation to me of the love our Father in Heaven has for Jacob, me, and our children as people are continually inspired, prompted, and encouraged to act in ways that lift and bless us.

I don't think I need to cite a list of things you can do to help those in your circles who need it. There are countless ways that we can help each other. I think the most important part is that we act on the thoughts, feelings, impressions, or intentions we have to help each other.

It is in the performance of these acts that our lives, and hopefully the lives of the givers, have been blessed and that we have felt genuine love and concern from those around us.

I am grateful to God who very often allows us, imperfect individuals, to be the instruments through which He sends help, comfort, and love in times of need. It is a beautiful part of His plan that we learn to succor, lift, and strengthen each other and in doing so become more like Him.