What goes up must come down

Why do I do this to myself?

Write about things being happy and stable and comfortable and good?

So that when the coin flips and things feel heavy and hard and difficult and bad it feels like the balloon pops and I am plummeting back to the ground.

I am being overly dramatic, but somehow in the last week things have shifted and life feels all muddled again.

I think I set up some unrealistic expectations- I will do this and that and cross things off and get to projects I've been putting off for years- and then real life set in and all of that became impossible. Our kitchen sink needs new valves. Tommy got sick and stayed home for 3 days. I am now also sick with a cold. The sprinkler system is draining down the sidewalk all day long. I might need a new roof. Will my house crack in two and fall off of the mountain....  I've also offered up much of my time to help and host people, volunteer and do good things and serve others and be responsible and contribute and I'm left feeling overwhelmed.

Darn it.

My reservoir is empty.

I can say that is one thing I've learned in these 3 years. I can at least recognize when my tank is out and I have nothing left to give. I was not able to do that for a long time.

But even though I can recognize it I still don't quite know what to do about it. So when I am feeling drained and running on fumes the old feelings- the familiar pain- inevitably comes creeping back in. And I start to wish for the impossible.

I want Jake back.

I want his help, I want his support, I want to be able to talk to him. I want him to take some things off of my plate. I want him to encourage our kids. I want to be able to vent to him. I want to have him hold me and tell me it will be ok.....

And that is something I cannot have.

I know there are so many people willing and able to help.

I know that I just need to ask for their help.

But most of the time I just don't want to. I am so sick and tired of asking for help. Of needing help. So much help....  All I really want is my helpmate back.

I recently found this honest article posted by a friend. The widowhood effect: What it is like to lose a spouse in your 30s. I love it when people can put into descriptive language the indescribable feelings of your heart.

I particularly found this section meaningful today, especially after my light hearted post of last week....

"This is where I am supposed to tell you how I have moved on. We all like pretty endings for young widows .... But I don't believe ... that young widowhood is simply a time gap between a funeral and a remarriage. I think it's about withstanding a blow that fundamentally changes your architecture. Some days, you are wobbly; other days, less so...... I still have days where I lie on the floor and miss him so terribly that I keep repeating, "I want you to come home." It does not happen as frequently as in year one or two but it slays me just the same."

I guess this is me today. Feeling pretty wobbly in my changed architecture.

I do know that it won't stay like this forever. I will again have days and weeks of stability and happiness as I have had in the recent past.

But for now I'm ok to just wobble.