God's tender mercy

I feel so grateful for the last week- a fabulous general conference to start it off and then a pretty uneventful rest of the week. I was able to do things I wanted to do, work on some big projects, I had time to exercise, the kids and I spent quality time together and I am feeling more replenished.

I appreciate days that allow me to breathe. 

I have tried to be more intentional since the last rough patch. To do things that fill me up and to say no to things that are more draining. I have been able to meditate more and that practice is very centering for me and helps me stay present minded. I also have had time to listen to things during the day- since Tommy is at school each morning I have been able to turn on audio books, the scriptures, conference talks, etc. and listen uninterrupted. It has been wonderful.

I have also been working really hard on a big project- going through Jake's things. 

He and I have always had big storage bins full of our things- childhood art projects, mission letters, college notes and assignments, cards we've received and other collectibles through the years. These have sat for years in each of our apartments, then our Phoenix home and now our Provo home. Untouched and gathering dust. 

In addition I have other documents and collectibles from his adult life- law school and his attorney's office, paperwork from church and our home, travel mementos and football ticket stubs among other things.

Since his death I've felt like it is really important to unearth these things and give our children access to their Dad in this way. 

But the project felt totally overwhelming. 

I have a dear friend who, more than a year ago, offered to just come and sit with me to help me start going through it. She would set a time and that kept me accountable to stick to it. 

It was not something that I always looked forward to doing. It is sometimes hard to see and remember and painful as I am reminded, again, that Jake is not here. 

But it has also been a blessing and a great comfort as I find things that he wrote, as I can hear his voice and remember how he thought, and as I am assured by the constancy of his faith. I have felt strongly that it is important for our kids to have access to him in this way and I have been so grateful to do this for them.

This week was my last big push to get organized and I am so happy with this first effort. 

I have all of his things unearthed, categorized, and in drawers that we can easily open and look through. I made each of our children their own bin and we divided up many physical items that he had or wore or that were important to him that now belong to them. 

I brought the kids into my room last night and showed them where everything is and told them that they have full access any time they want. 

I imagine that right now his papers might not seem that interesting, but as they grow up and have needs of their own or are in certain stages of life I hope that that having some tangible records of what Jake went through in similar experiences will be helpful for them.

And if nothing else it is helpful for me to feel like they have access to it and my lack of organization is not standing in their way. 

This leads me to another thought.

Many of you have been so kind to message me after the new youth initiative was announced, stating that it is so similar to a process Jake used throughout his life to set goals. 

Now, while I think it unlikely that Jake's balancing wheel provided inspiration for the whole church, I do feel especially grateful for one thing.

I long for our kids to know what their Dad would want for them, what was important to him and what he would say to help them in their lives.

And with this new youth initiative,  Heavenly Father has been so merciful to our children. They were given a preview, over 3 years ago, to a program that would be instituted to help them in their growing up years. And they know- each one of them- that their Dad fully believes in and supports this effort.

I could not ask for a more tender way for God to help Jacob be present in the lives of our children than this. I am profoundly grateful that our kids can engage with the new youth program knowing that their Dad believes so strongly in having them set goals to develop spiritually, socially, intellectually and physically and that he led by example. 

I am again a witness of the goodness of God. 

In 3 Nephi 17: 24, after Jesus prayed for the Nephite children it describes that "they saw angels descending out of heaven as it were in the midst of fire; they came down and encircled those little ones about, and they were encircled about with fire; and the angels did minister unto them." 

I sense the reality of the angelic ministration of their father encircling the lives of our children through this tender mercy and am grateful to the Savior for His continued blessings to our family.