When things get hard

The last two weeks have been extremely hard. This might have more information than you want to know. Consider yourself forewarned.

I feel like I wrote prematurely about dying because to that point Jacob's experience had been relatively peaceful.

He was able to eat, get around, sleep at night and even go out on the town. In fact, on March 26 we went out to a Suns game.

But then on Monday the 28th he got very nauseated and spent the next 24 hours vomiting. We finally figured out a medication to give him some relief. The next few days he spent recovering- sleeping a lot and eating very little. He still took in some fluids. By Thursday his appetite seemed to return and he was back up at eating meals with us at the table by Sunday, April 2.

But then again, the Monday morning of his birthday (which I hope to report on tomorrow) he woke up and vomited again. We gave him the medication and it seemed to help and held throughout the day so that he was still able to be loved and celebrated by his family.

But that night the wheels came off. He again started vomiting and was in great pain, both abdominal and in his head. It was an excruciating 18 hours. Finally, around 4:00 pm on April 5 his stomach seemed to calm down.

He was again very sleepy after that sleepless and tortured night and slept a lot on the 6th and 7th. He was able to drink some fluids and his stomach calmed and did not pain him anymore. His head pain also went away. He ate a few things but seemed to lose his appetite. But unlike the previous week, his strength has not returned in the last few days. After two sleepy days he spent almost 36 sleepless hours and was unsettled. Once the sun rose today he was finally able to find some peace and spent the whole day sleeping.

As he was experiencing these difficulties, it seemed that one by one the other members of our family became sick too. Lauren had a sore throat and chills early on the week of March 28, Ellie and Ada got a flu virus over conference weekend (April 2-3), Jacob's parents went in and got zpacks for their colds that had turned to bronchitis, and on Tuesday after helping Jacob through his horrible night I came down with strep throat. It literally took the life out of me and I spent most of this week unable to do anything for anyone. Ada has strep throat now and Tommy is battling a bout of diarrhea.

It is like the sky is falling over our house.

I used to go off of the handle when compounding circumstances like this would happen. This isn't the first time when Jacob has been sick that others in our family have also taken ill. In fact, it seems like almost every time Jake had a surgery or setback, there would follow a string of illness for the next month among almost every member of our family.

It would make me so angry.

I felt like, really, we already have enough to deal with here so can the flu just go land at someone else's house?

It was not until this January that I finally came to the realization that of course we get sick when Jake is sick. Because our little hearts are worried and our immune systems are shot and we are susceptible to everything.

I guess we could move into a cave.

I don't really have an answer other than to say that sometimes life is hard. Very hard. You try and try and do everything you can and things turn out bad. And get worse. And then even a little bit worse after that.

It is craptacular.

And I think in these times, when your face is in the dirt and there seems to be no relief it is normal to cry out to heaven and feel unanswered.

I have felt that way.

I felt that way this week.

And then it seems like I have a choice.

I can harden my heart and say I knew He didn't care or I can soften my heart and continue to believe.

It is terribly hard when you are in the thick of it.

I had some hours of feeling alone and abandoned by God.

In fact, they happened on the first night I was back in my bed and finally feeling like I could kind of take care of Jake or at least get his Dad's help if I needed anything.

I was lying in bed cry praying, asking Heavenly Father for something. Something to know He was there.

And nothing.

For 30 minutes.

Then, out of the blue, Jake woke up out of a deep sleep and turned to me. He reached out for me and I just laid my head on his chest and wept. And as I did he put his hand on my head and stroked my hair.

And that was enough.

It was as though through all of the darkness I was feeling there was a moment of pure light, a clear answer, Heaven responding through the man who is suffering in our bed.

I know it might not sound like much, but I knew in that instant that Heavenly Father did hear me, that He did hurt for our suffering and that He had sent help through my dear sweet Jacob.

And that has carried me through the week.

There have been other helps and blessings and aids. I am indebted to his father who assumed the care-taking role for two plus days while I was unable to do it. He took on every responsibility with such willingness and love and his service was a gift. I am indebted to his mother who took over the care of our children and attended to their every need as well as washed 1,000 loads of laundry from a turbulent week. I am indebted to his brother and our sister in law who came over almost every day to fill in the gaps and shore things up. I am indebted to friends who took me to the doctor, brought meals, sat with Jacob, helped with the kids, and offered their love.

I know that all of these people were God's way of reaching down to us. To help us make it through.

Today is the first day my throat hasn't hurt all week. I feel my energy and strength returning. I know we are not nearly through the worst of it, but I also know we have not been forsaken.

I'm learning that often we do not get what we want, how we want it, or when we want it. We cry and plead and pray and it seems to no avail.

But I also know that God does answer. His help is there. It comes in different packages, at different times, and in different ways than we ask for. But it does come. If we are willing to open our eyes to see it.