April 23, 2016

I don't even know how to begin.

Jake died this morning at 9:29 am.

I still can't believe it. All day I just keep thinking over and over and over Jake is dead. Jake is dead.

And part of me is dead too.

It was not a peaceful passing. He was in great distress and breathing a mile a minute.

All week he had been declining. But it was peaceful. He was asleep for most of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. He would drink some water each day but ate nothing.

Thursday he was very alert. He was awake and smiling as we talked to him. He was able to answer my questions with a yes or a no and spent some good time with our children. He was able to tell me that he was sorrowing and did not want to leave us.

After all of that talking and heaviness, when we were alone Thursday evening I was lying on the bed by him and had the idea come to mind to ask him if he wanted to watch tv. He relievedly nodded yes and so we watched a tv show together. It was a gift. It felt so normal, and although he may not have been engaged the whole time we just sat together and held hands and let all of the heaviness dissipate around us.

We prayed and said I love you before going to bed and he slept peacefully Thursday night.

He woke up on Friday and near noon I started to feel his left arm shaking. I was worried it was a small seizure so I gave him more medication. After a time he started to have some tremor like movements in both arms and legs. It would last for a few seconds at a time but was disconcerting to him. I asked him if he could feel it happening and he said yes.

As the day progressed he started to get very warm and sweaty. His skin was hot to the touch. The tremors continued and he wasn't able to sleep. He was still very aware and able to answer questions and squeeze our hands. I didn't know but what he was squeezing them because he was in pain, he was squeezing so hard.

I asked him if he was hurting and he said yes. He suffered through it for most of the day. He was not able to share his experience, but I could feel that it was not easy for him. He was very heavy. It was a definite change from normal and I could sense the distinct difference.

I got the kids to bed and then his Dad and brother Matt helped move his hospital bed right next to the side of our bed so that I could be close to him during the night.

He seemed to settle down and be less agitated by the time we went to bed around 10:30. I read him Jacob 7 and a chapter on the resurrection from a book by Dallin H. Oaks. I have been reading the Book of Mormon out loud to him since we came home from the hospital with the bad news in March. It was comforting to read those words and Jacob seemed to be much more at peace.

He slept well until just before 3:00 am. I woke up to hear his breathing very labored. He was rapidly inhaling and exhaling. I gave him some medication and his breath remained steady but quick. I think I fell back asleep for an hour or two.

Tommy woke up just before 6:00 and I got him up and then Jacob's parents arrived. They took over Tommy's care so I could go back to sleep. Jacob was still breathing rapidly, but unchanged and I slept another hour.

I woke up close to 8:00 and found him still the same. But just a few minutes later he seemed to be choking. I quickly raised him more to a sitting position and tried to help alleviate his pain. He found his breath and I waited. Some minutes later he seemed to gag again and was in great distress so I went to his parents for help.

They had loaded the kids in the car for Ellie's soccer game. I was grateful the kids were loaded because I did not feel like they should see Jacob like this. His dad came into the room with me and his mom took the kids to the game.

The next hour, from 8:30-9:30 was an hour I will never forget.  I find it too difficult to share the details, other than to say that his body and his spirit fought to live until the last possible second. His heart was so strong with the good care he has taken of his body, and I knew that this spirit still yearned to stay with me and our kids.

I was able to be right by his side and hold his hand. I had prayed for weeks that I could be there at the end. That I could just hold his hand. God heard and answered my prayer.

I spoke to Jake and had time to tell him again all of the things in my heart. More than anything else I tried to communicate my love for him. I needed him to know how much I love him throughout his entire being. I also assured him that I knew how much he loved me. That he could leave knowing that I felt of his love for me in my entire being.

Jacob's dad was in the room and said that he seemed to calm down as I lay by him and spoke in his ear. I hope I was able to bring him some comfort as he has comforted me a thousand times over.

Finally, he was unable to draw in any more breath and his heart stopped beating.  He exhaled the air in his lungs a few times and then was still.

I laid by his side for some time and cried and cried and cried. Then his Dad held me and I wept some more.

The kids came home a half hour later and I told them the news. The girls all cried and spent the next hour just lying by Jake, holding his hands, kissing his face, and letting us hold them in turn. Sweet Tommy said he wasn't going to cry but still kissed Jake and got his doctors kit to give him a checkup. We kept the room dark and it was a blessing so they could be near him without fully seeing the change.

There was such a comforting peace in the room.

His sweet mom, his brother Matt and his wife Jessica were able to see him and say goodbye.

And then the mortician came and his physical body was gone.

It is still surreal. It is a day I have imagined since January 2014, but it was so different than I thought it would be. Nothing prepares you for it and you just hold on hoping you can make it through.

I love Jake. I will always love him. He is part of me and I am part of him and our children are our complete combination. God was with us through this day. I had no great spiritual manifestations, but felt a constant, encompassing, calming peace that only the Spirit can bring. I pray that peace will continue as we now face the days ahead.