Healing

2018.

So far so good.

First, we made it through another holiday season.

For the last two years, those weeks from the end of October through the New Year are pretty rough.

In a period of 10 weeks 3 of our children have birthdays and there are 4 major holidays. It seems like every 10 days there is another event to celebrate and there comes the rub- just as I have time to recover and build up strength another holiday/birthday comes along and I fall back down again. And as it happens over and over and over for those ten weeks I am exhausted by the end of it.

In part it is because after Jake died the holidays/birthdays/celebratory days have taken on a new hue. Instead of being only happy days, events to look forward to, they have developed more of a duplicitous nature and are often sad and poignant days where we ache for his presence and find it hard to celebrate without him.

I am a girl of big emotions and for almost 33 years, holidays and birthdays were only happy days for me. I LOVE a celebration. I love a party. I loved looking forward to holidays and making them special for my family. The first Easter we were married I sent Jake on an Easter egg hunt around our apartment because I was so excited to create a tradition for our family. He was so kind to humor me.

I think the 2016 season was the all time low.

And so for the 2017 season I was more prepared- I remembered what had been hard the year before and I tried to make plans/put safeguards in place to avoid so much pain. In many ways that helped. The kids and I kept things simple- we skipped cumbersome traditions, went went out of town, and tried to just do the minimum. For the most part I did not sense the children aching as much and I felt better through the ups and downs. There was still one event that caught me off guard and caused a relapse of pain. Such is the journey.

I have new understanding for people who suffer during the holidays. Be them any holiday/birthday/special day of the year. Before Jake got sick I remember speculating out loud as to why people would not enjoy celebratory occasions. Why certain special days were hard for others. Why not everyone loved their birthday.

I was a fool.

I do not think it wise to wipe all celebratory times off of the calendar. That is not possible or realistic.

But I also understand that there are a myriad of reasons why people suffer on special days. Unmet expectations. Dashed hopes. Lost dreams. Hurt, neglect, abuse, abandonment, pain. For whatever reason, regularly occurring holidays can often bring up feelings that we might be able to keep at bay on regular days. And when they come to the surface they can be terribly painful. And then they threaten to repeat themselves year after year. It can be a vicious cycle.

I have great hope that our birthday/holiday/celebratory season will not always be this hard. That there will be reason to rejoice and celebrate wholeheartedly again. But I also know that there will always be a twinge of sorrow, a moment of pain and a bitter to accompany the sweet of those special events.

And in all honesty, I think that makes them more authentic, more instructive, more valuable experiences.

Life is not one dimensional. Almost all of our experiences are of a dual nature. That is part of the plan, it is how we learn and it helps us become more Godlike. All things are present for Him- Happiness and sorrow. Peace and war. Light and darkness. Joy and misery.

Why should it be different for us?

I can say that with the hard there were many moments of grace shown to us through the kindness of others. People were thoughtful. Friends called. Family members invited. Neighbors visited. Children laughed. And overarching in all of it was the love of the Savior. He was present in our good times and in the hard ones and continued to sustain me and our kids through the influence of the Holy Ghost.

I am so grateful for Jesus.

Second, I continue to feel myself coming back to life.

Like I wrote back in August, I can feel that little sapling taking root, gaining strength and pushing out new branches.

I called my counselor last week and had a good conversation with her. I told her about this new hope I feel and she said something amazing. So amazing, in fact, that I had her say it again just so I could believe it.

She said, "Jordan, I think you are through the worst of it."

I think you are through the worst of it.

I would not believe those words if I did not feel the truth of them growing inside of me.

And that hope is possible, tangible, and real because of Him.

I have come to know Jesus Christ in many capacities- as a friend, as an example, as a Savior and as one acquainted with grief.

And now I am learning about Jesus as a healer. As one who binds up the broken hearted. As one who heals wounds. As one who mends hearts.

In Luke the Savior states, "He hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted." In 2nd Nephi, "He shall rise from the dead with healing in his wings." In Psalms, "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."

And one of those He is healing with such patience and tenderness is me.

He is healing me.