Writing

In some ways I have shied away from writing for the blog for several reasons:

1. You can only write that you are as sad as you've ever been so many times.
2. The daily gring can feel pretty monotonous and uninteresting.
3. Without Jacob's health updates there isn't as much essential information to communicate.

But at the end of the day I really do love writing. It is something that enriches me, that lifts my thoughts and that helps me feel like I can serve in my own small way.

I had a good talk with my visiting teachers yesterday and came away with the idea that in the next months and years I can take some time to explore things that are interesting to me. I can learn a new skill. I can develop a neglected talent. I can volunteer with causes that are meaningful to me.

This idea, today, is still kind of overwhelming as I grapple with a very limited amount of available time. I am kind of hard wired to work first and then play and am finding that in parenting/home maintenance the work is NEVER ENDING.

For real.

For example, yesterday Tommy and my nephew threw pencils and then marbles at the screen of our downstairs TV.

And broke it.

Yep, never ending.

There is almost always something productive that I could or should be doing.

But after trying last week to work all of the time (I had a to do list that filled an entire 8x11 page) while having sick kids, getting inadequate sleep, and fitting in marathon training I burned myself out.

That is not good for anyone.

I am sure many of you know the feeling. You are tired, irritable, feel unproductive, can't get anything (and definitely not everything) done, inefficient, etc. and you just give up and throw in the towel.

That is where I was and this is what happened.

I went to bed one night and had a very clear impression that I needed to stop, slow down and take more time for me.

To do a thing or two that would replenish and not diminish my tank.

So I did.

Saturday I took a nap only 2 hours after waking up.

Sunday I pursued the newspaper.

Yesterday I read a whole book. (...and the tv got broken. Correlation or causation? I don't know :)

But you know what? I feel a little bit better. I have some juice in the tank and feel like I have something to give.

It should be obvious.

I am a human. I am not a machine. I have limitations. I cannot be productive all of the time. I have to stop. I have to replenish. I have to rest.

But when I get in my "to do" mode it can be very hard and unnatural to switch it on and off. When I get working on the list I want everyone and everything out of the way so I can 'get 'er done.' I love the thrill of crossing things off the list. I love tackling tasks that have been bugging me. I love the rush of getting things done. But when it comes at the cost of making me irritable, mean and resentful of the (little) people around me, I have gone too far.

There must be a balance.

Jacob knew this well and helped me so much in this way. His frequent role in our marriage was to give me permission (and often encouragement) to stop, to take a break, to rest. I miss that so much.

I have a scripture in Alma framed by my bed. It talks about how Alma "returned to his own house...to rest himself from the labors which he had performed...and thus ended the ninth year of the reign of the judges." From these verses, it seems that Alma rested for weeks or even months after his hard labor.  He was a prophet and had established the church of God, but he was allowed and even encouraged to rest. I can do the same. Sometimes I forget and burn out, but thankfully I can also remember and rest again.

So back to writing.

Writing is something I love, that replenishes and that makes me happy. It is something I enjoy and it allows me to expel some of the thoughts in my mind. So even though I may not have anything groundbreaking to say I still want to give it a go.

When a day gets long or when I need a break I can come to the computer and I can write. I am giving myself permission.

Just typing that makes me happy.

Here we go friends.

Let the writing begin.