So much peace

I just wanted to write a few paragraphs about how the last two weeks have gone.

We left the hospital still pretty shaken up about the spread of Jacob's cancer and with the possible timeline of him having only a month or two to live.

The first few days we spent getting things in order and reviewing our previously made plans for this exact scenario. We had a few meetings with people from hospice and were able to get a lot of information from them. We spent most of those evenings talking and crying with the girls as they continued to express their fears and feelings about Jake dying.

While it was not a fun few days, it was also a very special time that helped us draw even closer as a family as we shared and talked about things together. Jacob's dad came down from Utah and was here to help his mom take care of the children. We talked about how my primary care will now be directed to Jacob and their primary care will be for our four children.

The next week (March 7-11), things returned to a more regular schedule. Jake and I slept in most of those days, his parents got the kids off to school, and we were able to sit and eat dinner together. The initial shock started to wear off as we all got closer to accepting this new outcome and adapting our minds to it. The girls had a good school week and were able to practice the piano, do homework and play with friends. It is indescribable how much comfort those normal routines and practices bring at times like this.

I think we initially assumed Jake's condition would rapidly deteriorate over a matter of weeks, but that hasn't happened yet. He seems to be physically where he was two weeks ago, with small declines each day. It is very difficult for him to say the things he wants to say. He can answer yes and no and can say simple words, but he has lost most of his ability to find the exact words he wants to say. For example, the other day he wanted a glass of water and it took almost 10 minutes for his brother and I to figure out what he wanted. He started out saying it was something he had every day, it went in his mouth, he pantomimed the shape of a cup, and finally we were able to deduce that it was water. He told me it is becoming harder to understand the things that he reads or listens to as well. His right arm hangs limp at his side and he no longer has any control of its movement. He can still walk, with me on his left side holding his arm and hand, but his right foot drags as he takes steps. I help him shower and dress and cut his food, but he is still able to feed himself with his left hand and has a full appetite.

We then had a wonderful weekend from the 11-14 of March with Jacob's family. I will add some pictures later, but each of his six siblings were able to come with their spouses and spend those precious days with him and our family. A lovely family in our ward gave us the use of their spacious home and it was a blessing to be able to accommodate all 19 individuals who were gathered together.

We spent the last two days catching up on things around home and me taking the kids to some dental/orthodontic/medical appointments they had. Jake slept a lot on Tuesday, probably recuperating from the weekend, but was able to spend the afternoon and evening with us. He is still so engaged in our life. Every day he reminds me of something I've forgotten in our schedule, of something a child needs or that we were planning to do. I am grateful that he is still participating in our lives.

The girls and Tommy are so sweet with him. I see each one, several times throughout the day taking a moment to hug him, say hi to him, or give him a kiss. They have been so patient with the change in caregivers and understanding that most of my time right now goes to their dad. I am able to spend time with each child every day and know that those moments are very important to reassure them and know of their hearts.

My parents and siblings are coming today until Sunday and we look forward to spending some days with them.

In these two weeks we have experienced a lot of emotions, but I can say that for me, for Jake and for our kids the prevailing feeling has been peace. I wouldn't have believed it possible, but every day we feel such an incredible, pervasive, tangible peace that really does surpass all understanding. We consider it a great mercy from our Father in Heaven.

Jake and I have also started to feel so much gratitude as our minds are drawn to the past and all of the wonderful experiences we have shared together. It is another contrary feeling that I would not have thought possible at this time, but being able to feel such great gratitude for our shared lives has opened my eyes to God's real goodness to us through the years. Every night when Jacob prays his words are those of thanks and gratitude to Heavenly Father for all of his blessings.

Thank you for your continued prayers in our behalf. I believe that a great measure of our peace and happiness right now comes from those sustaining prayers and hope you know that they are making a great difference to us.