March 31. 2014

Jacob has been doing well the last week, so well in fact that sometimes we even forget that he has cancer. He has been cooking, fixing our pool, watching the kids, shooting baskets, and doing the things he's always been able to do. He does get tired and has some nausea, but for the most part he is tolerating the chemo well and following his diet like a champ.

The ketogenic diet is not for wimps. The idea is that for every 1 gram of carbohydrate or protein that you eat, you have 4 grams of fat to go with it. So basically Jacob is living on a diet of heavy cream, oil, and butter with a little bit of food mixed in.  Jake is doing amazingly well with the diet.  He is starving his brain of carbohydrates in an effort to weaken the cancer cells. He will follow this diet for the next 5 weeks, then move to a more modified Atkins/low carb diet in the future. 

I don't think I could do the diet, but Jake says you can do anything when you feel that your life is on the line. He also feels like he has been able to make these dietary changes because he has learned how to control his appetites by living the word of wisdom all his life. He has made countless small decisions to avoid substances that are harmful to his body and become master of what he will and won't consume. I am grateful that he has this control and that living the word of wisdom can bless him in this way.

I am finally at a point where my every thought is not consumed with Jake's GBM (glioblastoma multiforme, aka cancerous brain tumor). For the last two months, I was constantly thinking about this cancer, worrying about it, hating it, and feeling despair because of it. Everywhere I went I would look at the faces if strangers around me, in cars, checking me out at the grocery store, at the park, and be screaming in my head, "my husband has a GBM and our life is over." I noticed that when I went to the grocery store last week I was checking the prices of produce instead if thinking something about GBMs in my head. That is a major step for me.

That said, I still fall into days of self pity and sorrow. It is counterintuitive, but in the times where Jake isn't doing well and things are difficult I can fight it out, but on the days where he is completely well and life is good I often fall into the abyss.

Like last weekend. I don't need to go into the details, but can say that there are days where this is so hard and moments where I can't bear it.  The potential outcome of this disease is my worst nightmare. 

It what seems almost too unlikely to be true,  I have an uncle who passed away from this same cancer just over 10 years ago, when Jake and I were dating. Jake never met my uncle Jon, but has always loved my aunt Carol (my mom's sister) and her four sweet children.

I talked to Carol a few days ago when I was feeling low and she had some good advice for me. She told me that while it is important to make some plans for the future and get things ready, I cannot lose the happy days that are here and the years we will still have by living in the "what if's" and "potential outcomes" of this situation. I have to enjoy and live in the here and now.

That is not something I've ever been good at. I'm a planner. Tried and true to the core. I look to the future and get my ducks in a row. I know that this is how the bad guy is working on me- to get me to obsess about the future that I can't know or control and miss the happy moments of today.

This talk, given by Richard G. Scott, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles just 5 months after his wife passed away, was very helpful to me this weekend. As was this one, given in the last general conference. I'm not there yet, but am grateful for the wisdom and perspective that these talks offered me.

I am also most grateful for Jacob. One of the best parts of our marriage is that we have always been able to communicate with each other about everything and help each other through anything. I can say that he has been such a guide for me through these months and helped me more than anyone by giving me hope, perspective, encouragement, and a calm assurance that although we don't know how this will play out, no matter what happens, our family will be ok.

We have happy events in the next week. Our kids had a lovely spring break, Jacob's birthday is on Friday, General Conference is this weekend, Jake's returning to work, and I have a few surprises up my sleeve.

And today was a good day.