Death books

That is a foreboding title but I couldn't think of a better way to put it.

I wanted to share some of the death books that I have come to love in the last few years.

Maybe love is the wrong word. Can you really love a book about death?

But what I think I love is the ability these different authors had to capture the feelings and experiences associated with the process of dying and grieving those who have died.

Obviously, I haven't died so I can't completely relate to what they are saying.  And most of them haven't died either (or hadn't yet died, else how could they have written a book about it) but were close enough to death to capture and elucidate the experience.

My first recommendation would be to read these books or find others like them. Nothing can impact you as much as the words from the authors themselves.

I did not read any of these books when Jake was alive. I had heard of some, but tended to avoid any books on death as we were heavily involved in the process of life. But once he did die I found it necessary, important, critical even to read about people who had gone through the grieving experience before and had been left standing above ground as their loved one (or they themselves) were placed beneath.

When breath becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi

A grief observed by C. S. Lewis (my all time favorite, especially for the death of a spouse)

Being mortal by Atul Gawande

The fault in our stars by John Green

A man called Ove by Fredrik Backman

Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant

A grace disguised by Jerry Sittser

It's ok to laugh. Crying is cool too by Nora McInerny Purmort

The unwinding of the miracle by Julie Yip-Williams

I have also spent the last 10 months working on a research project with a BYU professor reading children's picture books on death. We have tried to find every picture book for kids related to death and categorize, code and filter through them in order to create a comprehensive list of books for caregivers to use to help children who have experienced the death of someone they love. It has been a rewarding experience and will hopefully prove to be very practical and useful to help people who care about children who are grieving. 

I have a friend who I just met in person on the day of her husband's funeral two weeks ago. He also died of brain cancer and she is now left with 2 small children to face the rest of her life without her beloved husband by her side. It is a cruel trick and as I stood there at the graveside memorial my heart broke into a thousand pieces for her. I know the road she is walking and it is lonely and so very hard. 

But as we have been talking in the last few weeks, as she is seeking help and comfort and solace the one thing I can assure her of is Jesus. That He has walked her lonely road, that He will stand by her side, that He knows how she feels even in the depth of her sorrow because he is "a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." He Knows because He has been there. 

I found that for me, reading about the Savior in the scriptures- the Gospels, the book of Job, and the Book of Mormon as I was in deep mourning gave me a new understanding of His suffering, agonizing and soul crushing experience. It framed my suffering in the context of His. If Jesus, God's beloved, perfect and sinless son came to earth and experienced such unjust, unfair and undeserved experiences then who was I to question why I was left a widow at age 35? I am not greater than He nor do I deserve anything better than what He, God's beloved Son, experienced in mortality. 

This is hard doctrine. It is not what we love to teach each other and testify of over the pulpit. I recently read the missionary letter of a friend's son who shared a similar idea. Becoming like Christ, being sanctified can be a very painful process. But at the end of the day that is why we are here in mortality. To gain a body and to be tested to prove if we are willing to submit and choose God no matter what happens to us. No matter what. 

I am so grateful for Jesus. I know that He has carried me through years of heartache and grief and restored my heart and healed the cracks in my soul. I am not where I was when Jake died and as I feel such a renewed hope for the future of my life I attribute it to the healing power of the Savior. He has been there for me and for our children. He will be there for my friend. He is there for you.