Disneyland 2016

Dear Lauren, Ellie, Ada and Tommy,

I wanted to tell you a story.

It is the story of our last family of six vacation.

It is a story of love and strength and happiness even in the wake of great sorrow.

It is a story that shows how much Daddy loves you.

For a Christmas gift of 2015, Dad and I talked about going on another family trip. Through the generosity of family members and dear friends we'd been able to go to Hawaii in 2014. Then in 2015 we took a cruise as a family over spring break.

These vacations were such gifts to our family and Dad and I felt it really important to take these trips while we could and while his health allowed to create some great memories together. We wanted you to have some fun and enjoyment, especially because our life at times was heavier than little children should have to bear. 

And so as we contemplated trips and gave you options from which to choose, the vote was unanimous- Disneyland. 

We'd visited Disneyland in 2008 when Lauren was 2 and Ellie a baby, and then I'd taken you three girls there alone for two days while Dad attended a NITA conference in LA in 2012, but we had not yet been as a family of six. 

And so on Christmas morning we opened a family present left near the tree. Inside were Mickey and Minnie shirts for every member of our family along with our passports to Disneyland. We were overjoyed and planned to take our trip at the end of January. 

Unfortunately, a few weeks before we were to leave Daddy had another bad MRI that revealed more potential cancer growth and we made the difficult decision for him to undergo surgery again- his fourth craniotomy.



That meant we had to delay or possibly cancel our trip. You were heartbroken as were we at the prospect.We had set our hearts on this vacation and were not sure if it would work out.

Daddy had his surgery and spent the next weeks recovering. He gained back some strength, but not as much as after previous surgeries and that left us with some concerns.



However, we plowed ahead through February and celebrated Lauren's birthday as well as Valentine's Day together. We picked a few days at the end of the month and called Disneyland to reschedule our trip for February 22-25.



As the days neared Dad noticed the strength in the right side of his body diminishing. At first it was his hand- he could not grip things like he used to. Then the trouble started with his right arm and he could not raise it fully above his head. Later it got harder for him to lift his hand to his mouth with a fork to feed himself. He never complained or even said anything about it, but just quietly switched to his left hand and started eating that way. Daddy is right handed and it did not come easy for him, but he persisted.



We also noticed some difficulty with his right leg. At first it was harder for him to lift his leg from the ground as he walked and we would hear his right foot dragging with each step. Then it got hard for him to lift his leg to get dressed in the morning. He could bare weight on his leg still but it was not as responsive to movement. It wasn't receiving the signals from his brain.

Daddy was also having a harder and harder time talking, as he could not think of the words he wanted to communicate what he hoped to say. It was very frustrating for him and he felt sad not to be able to speak or even think like he had previously been able to. The right side of his mouth was also less responsive so the words he did speak were a bit slurred.



Because of his mobility concerns, Daddy and I decided that in order for him to get around Disneyland for two days he would need a cart to ride in. We were able to order a motorized scooter for Daddy to drive around Disneyland and it made it so much easier for him to be with us and not get worn out from walking.



Days before we were scheduled to leave, I called Daddy's doctor to see what they thought about us taking this trip. I told them about the right sided weakness that he'd been having and the nurse talked to me for almost an hour about my concerns. They suggested that we give Daddy a steroid to take on our trip to help with swelling, we scheduled another procedure for when we came back to relieve the edema with a shunt, and she told us to be on our way.

And so on the morning of February 21 we packed in the car and drove to California.



I drove the whole way there and back as Daddy's foot wasn't able to control the gas and break and you were such good kids on the trip. I had had a bad night's sleep and so we stopped at a park on the drive over so I could take a little nap. I remember that Daddy pushed Tommy on the swings, even thought he was probably tired, and that he watched Ellie and Ada play on the playground.



We first went to my brother Andy and our sister-in-law Chelsea's apartment. They fed us a delicious salmon dinner and we had a nice visit with them. The girls stayed the night on an air mattress at their apartment while Daddy, Tommy and I slept at a nearby hotel.



That night was a hard one and Dad wasn't able to sleep too well. Tommy woke up early so I took him out on a morning walk so Daddy could get more rest. We packed up from there and met Andy and Chelsea to go to Venice beach and get donuts at Stan's in Westwood. It was fun to be together and even though Daddy was having a hard time talking he appreciated spending time with you kids at the beach and watching you splash in the waves. It was the last time Daddy saw the ocean in this life.



After lunch we loaded in the car and headed to our destination- the Disneyland hotel.



We had never stayed at the Disney hotels and found it to be a great experience. They are fun, resort style hotels that are near the park. There was still a bit of strategic walking through their downtown Disney though, placed to help you get rid of dollars easily.



We had a great room on the top floor of the hotel and you all loved checking everything out. The room was a suite with a separate living room, pull out bed and kitchenette. You each had a bed and loved the nightlights and Cinderella music that played when you pushed the button.



After we got settled we went down to eat and swim at the hotel pool. Dad and I had budgeted for this trip and were grateful to have the funds to not worry about the cost of everything, but rather just enjoy our time together. We decided to just make life easy and eat all of our meals/snacks at the parks and restaurants and it worked out great.






You loved the pool and water slide and then we all warmed up in the hot tub. We changed into our jammies and then sat out on the balcony to watch the theme park firework show. It was lovely and we fell into a dream filled sleep after our snack of milk and cookies.





The next day you woke up ready to go and we spent the day at the Disneyland park. I wish I could tell you how happy it made Daddy to see your smiling faces. You were all so excited and he loved watching your enthusiasm for life at every turn. Because he was in the electric wheelchair we got a special ADA map for the back entrance into many of the rides.



The park was already much less crowded than at peak summer season at the end of February and we loved having a back entrance pass to many of the rides. Because Tommy was too short for many of the rides, Daddy and I would take turns going with you girls. Sometimes Daddy would ride with you while I waited with Tommy and then they'd give us a companion pass so I could take you on the ride another time without waiting in line while Daddy waited with Tommy. Or vice versa.



We rode rides all morning long. The one scare was when we got separated from Daddy and Tommy and Daddy was having a hard time telling me where he was over the phone. Thankfully our phones had GPS so I was able to use the app to find his location and we got back together.

You all loved the Star Tours ride and Space Mountain was your favorite to go on with Dad. He was such a good sport to put our needs ahead of his own and never complained about the difficulty or strain of the day. He was just so grateful to be there and to see you so happy.



After lunch we went back to the hotel and Daddy and Tommy stayed in the room to have a nap while I took you girls back to the park. We went on more rides for two hours and discovered the beauty of buying and eating snacks while you wait in line. It was such a game changer, even though our longest wait the whole time was no more than 30 minutes.



Some friends from our ward in Phoenix were also at Disneyland and had been texting us to meet up, so at the appointed hour I handed you girls off to them and went back to the hotel for Tommy and Daddy. They were well rested and ready for more rides that evening.



We met up with you girls and our friends and were able to go on some of the bigger rides together while they helped with Tommy. We loved the thunder mountain railroad, the flying Dumbos, Indiana Jones and the epic Splash Mountain. Ellie and Lauren were soaking wet but went it on another time for more fun. We stayed until the park closed and enjoyed the fireworks show on our walk back to the hotel.





We all went right to sleep after such an action packed day.

The next day we went to the California adventure park. Daddy was still tired in the morning, so I took you kids over while he rested, and then we met up with him just before lunch. We enjoyed the Cars park, with the Cars ride being a favorite as well as Mater's Tractors for Tommy. I think Tommy rode that one at least 4 times and loved it more each time. We spent time at A Bugs life and then met up with Daddy to go to the Ferris wheel area of the park. You all loved the Goofy Roller coaster and went on that a few times as singles to get more rides in.





We took in the view from the giant Ferris wheel and then headed over to California Screamin' the roller coaster. Ada was tall enough to go on it and decided she was brave enough too. Ellie and I started out on the first ride while Dad waited with everyone else, and then Dad went with Ada and Lauren with Ellie on the second ride. I wasn't sure how Dad would do given his issues, but he and Ada said they loved it, so much so that they immediately went again. I hope I can always remember all of your happy faces as you got off the ride and how proud Daddy was of Ada being so brave. Tommy and I rode on the carousel which was just up his alley.






We ate dinner back at the Cars park and took Daddy on the Cars rides, as well as some other ones that we had enjoyed. Then we went to get our seats for the night show along the water. Again, because Daddy had the electric wheelchair we got to have ADA priority seating and appreciated being able to see without battling the crowds. Lauren and Ellie got us snacks to enjoy for our hour wait and then the performance started.


I'd never seen anything like the show that they put on that night. They used giant sheets of water for their projection screens and had the full Disney production magic at work with lights, music and pageantry. We all loved it and were singing our hearts out to all of the Disney classics. I have a specific memory of looking over at all of you during the show and really taking in each of your faces. I could see you each lost in the wonder of the moment, even Daddy who was battling untold daemons at the time, had an air of lightheartedness throughout that 45 minute show. It was as if for just a small moment the crushing reality of our life was suspended and we were once again carefree.

It was beautiful.

We then left the park with everyone else and walked back to our hotel. Or I should say you girls rode on the back of Daddy's chair and talked about the things you'd enjoyed that day. It was magical and we were all lighthearted and happy without a care in the world.






The next morning we woke up and went to a character breakfast in Goofy's kitchen. Tommy started out the trip crying whenever he saw a character, but was hugging Minnie and not afraid of anyone when we left. We then walked through downtown Disney to let you each pick out your souvenir from the trip. You girls deliberated long and hard about what to get and were so happy with your little token reminders of our vacation.





Daddy started feeling tired after walking around so much and so we loaded in the car and started our drive back home to Phoenix. He was able to sleep some on the ride and you all watched movies in the car until we pulled safely back into our driveway.



I wish I could explain the feeling that settled over Daddy and me as we drove those 371 miles back towards home. It was like the weight that had been suspended for the four days of our trip descended onto our shoulders and we felt a heaviness that was profound and consuming and terrifying. It was as if we were leaving the light and driving mile after mile into complete darkness.

Only 6 days later Daddy had the shunt placed and after surgery they took the MRI which revealed that the cancer had spread all over his brain, even down into his brain stem. His doctor and the nurses came in on March 3 with the news that there was nothing more that they could do. It was the end of the line.



Now that I look back on our trip to Disneyland I can clearly see one thing- Daddy was dying.

He was dying each moment that we were there but we didn't really know it yet.

We were just a family of 6, two thirty something parents, taking their four young children on a trip to Disneyland.



But we were not like the other families there.

I remember seeing Daddy watch other families enjoying their time at the park as he especially watched the other fathers who were able to carry their children, chase them around, and hold them in their arms with a sort of aching envy. He said that it was hard to see so many able bodied men around him while his own body was failing him. It was terribly difficult for him.

But at the same time, I do not know of one father in the park on those days who was sacrificing more to be there for his children than your Daddy. He literally gave everything he had to be with us on that trip and gave it freely, willingly, without complaint, and with all of his heart.

I hope you will always remember those days we spent at Disneyland together. They are a testament to how much Daddy wanted you to be happy, to be carefree, to be lighthearted, to be children and to enjoy living even as he was dying.



And I hope you know that being able to watch you have fun, laugh, be brave, and get excited about all of new things you experienced on our vacation was a treasured gift that you gave to your father in his final days.

You are the children that he loves the most, and as you continue to live, to laugh, to be brave, to experience, to learn, to grow, to serve, and to love I know that you will keep bringing him great joy.

love,
Mom