Stable. Again.

Jacob had his follow up MRI yesterday, and again his brain looks stable.

There are no new indications of tumor growth and we were relieved and grateful to hear that report.

He has some edema where the radiation fields met, but that is expected and will be watched in the future. We pray for the swelling to stabalize and for Jacob's immune system to continue to function optimally.

This MRI experience was better for me. I availed myself of many resources- the scriptures, prayer, our bishop, a friend with cancer, my counselor, fasting, and faith and was able to face the day with much more calm and peace than the time before.

Because I was able to hold it together, there was more space for Jacob to feel, process, and work through the experience. Our children also handled it so much better as they could feel my calm and mirrored that emotion.

The other night Jake and I were talking about how we have changed in these last 10 months. We can't see it all, but we have definitely noticed real changes in our hearts, our thoughts, and our emotions.

For the first many months I was encumbered by this disease and lived as though Jacob were dead. And Jacob played dead.

We spent months in a fog and truly subsisted on the prayers of others and the sustaining force of heaven.  I cannot account for it in any other way.

But then, over time we each started to live again.

I wanted to share a few things that have helped me during this period of trial in hope that they may be of some help to others facing challenges.

First, there are two questions that I ask myself every day, and especially on the hard days. These came from a dear friend of mine whose husband also battled brain cancer.
They are 1- Is Jacob going to die of cancer today? And 2- Is there anything I can do about it?

The answers seem obvious, but when you are facing a loved one's terminal disease, answering these questions helps you keep perspective even on the most difficult days.

Second, my friend counseled me that once I have answered these questions NO that I turn the burden over to the Lord and let Him carry it for me.

So each day I try to do that, and each day He has willingly carried this load for me. I am learning through this very intimate and personal experience that His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

I don't know what happens between each scan. I am not in denial, I think about this disease every day, but somehow the weight does not press down on me. It rests with Him. 

Third, I try and do everything I can each day to qualify for the companionship of the Holy Ghost. I am not perfect, but I try to be obedient, put myself in uplifting environments, and serve my family so that I can receive every blessing He can give me.

Fourth, I try and have a grateful heart. At first this was very difficult. I was so swallowed up with grief and despair that it was hard to find anything to be grateful for. But I am learning to see the small things around me, the small blessings, the small miracles, the small witnesses that He knows I am there and somehow it is cultivating a spirit of gratitude in my heart. Yes, our circumstances are challenging, but having a grateful heart has given me greater access to heaven's help.

Fifth, I find refuge in the temple. I cannot explain it but to say that when I am in the temple I know that everything will be all right. That no matter what happens, our family will make it. In the temple I have felt the reality of eternity. Of our life after death. Of the love and concern and protection of family members who have passed on before us.

In the dedication of the Phoenix temple President Uchtdorf stated that the temple is the intersection of mortality with eternity. I have felt the validity of that intersection and have found great peace as I have been in the House of the Lord.

Sixth, I have been blessed to counsel with wonderful people. I have attended many sessions with a professional counselor and her help, therapy, and suggestions have been a key to my mental and emotional functioning. I have counseled with priesthood leaders and have been directed by their words. I have counseled with my and Jacob's parents, with family members, and with dear friends and their listening ears and compassionate understanding have blessed me.

Seventh, I have found great comfort and answers in the scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon. I have felt a kinship with the prophets and marveled at the trials they had to pass through during their mortal experiences. Reading about their hardships has given me direction in facing mine and an example of persisting with faith, under any circumstance.

Eighth, I do my best to live in the present. I am trying to make the most of each day. It really is the small things that bring me joy. Giving Jake a hug and kiss when he comes home from work. Eating family dinner together. Watching our girls play sports or practice the piano. Holding our baby boy. I have learned that it would be foolish to waste the present, these wonderful days we have, worrying about what may or could be in the future. I choose to enjoy today.

Ninth, I am learning to accept help in my day to day life. I have a house cleaner come twice a month, I have a good friend watch my littlest ones every Monday, I have a babysitter every week for a date night, among other things. These small things have made a big difference in providing order, giving me time to ponder, and freeing me up to be with my husband and children.

Finally, I have relied heavily on prayer and priesthood blessings. These forms of communication that we have to communicate our thoughts to Heavenly Father, and for Him to communicate His direction to us are invaluable. They have meant everything to me.

I know that our Father in Heaven has not left us alone in this earthly experience. He has provided so many resources to help us feel of His love and be guided by His spirit. And from my own experience, I am learning that my life is better when I avail myself of the resources He has provided.