May 24. 2014

I don't have a title for this post. There are just some random thoughts that I wanted to write about.

I read a quote by Isak Kinesen that I love- "The cure for anything is salt water --- sweat, tears, or the sea."

We have had some really happy days. There are many moments when we can forget about brain cancer. But we also have really sad moments. They still come in waves, unexpected and unanticipated, but powerful and real and overwhelming. It is a sadness like we've never experienced before and it hurts all the way through.

This disease came two decades too soon. Most couples our age are thinking about moving into real life. They're wondering if they should change jobs, buy a bigger house, have another baby. They already feel taxed with running kids around, working and career development, responsible church assignments, and family events.

They aren't thinking about their mortality, how they'll get along without their spouse, how their kids will look as teenagers, and if they're prepared to meet their Maker.

Those are questions that people much older than us usually ask.

On the other hand we just read about a man who survived this disease for nearly 20 years. Long enough to see his kids grow up. It lifted our spirits to know that it can happen. 

The other night Jake spoke out in his sleep. He tells me he has no memory of it. He said, "I used to think 35 was old. Now I think that it is so young."

Jake's first post-treatment MRI is on Thursday May 29. He has been feeling ok, but is still more tired than he wants to be. He plays basketball and has more of an appetite. The main thing he notices from not being on chemo is that he isn't nauseous like before. 

At the same time, as we've talked about different friends and family members we have been overwhelmed by the number of them whose families have been affected by cancer. We know so many people who've lost a mother, a father, a spouse, and even a child to cancer. We are not the first and won't be the last people to walk down this road.  

I read a wonderful booklet gifted by our bishop. It is called The Uses of Adversity by Carlfred Broderick. It is an address that he gave at a BYU women's conference and just the right size (57 pages) to tackle at this point in time.

In it he makes some wonderful points. He says, "I commend the gospel with all of its auxiliaries and the temple to you, but I do not want you to believe for one minute that if you keep all the commandments and live as close to the Lord as you can...that bad things will not happen to you. And when that happens, I do not want you to say that God...was not keeping his promises to me. The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is resource in the event of pain, and when that pain comes, rejoice that you have resource to deal with your pain."

I have to write that again because it is so true-

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is not insurance against pain. It is resource in the event of pain, and when that pain comes, rejoice that you have resource to deal with your pain."

In the rest of the book he shares experiences about people who have passed through difficult circumstances and then ends with this quotation,

"The uses of adversity are whatever use we put them to. May they hone us and purify us and teach us and not destroy us, because of who we are and who God is and what our relationship to Him is."

I love that thought. We can use adversity to whatever end we choose to use it. I hope we are using this adversity to bring us closer to each other and closer to our Heavenly Father.

Jacob's mantra is "we always have a choice." I couldn't begin to count the number of times he's told me that. He lives by that statement and always chooses to make changes that he can and learn from experience. Jake is not one to feel sorry for himself. He really doesn't. He has so much trust in God and in His plan and he believes that if you can't change your situation you can change your attitude about it. Jacob chooses to make the best of things. He is a wonderful example for me.